Little Piece of Me
by postitdempsey
Summary: A misguided, Meredith Grey triumphs through Europe, in an attempt to withhold worrying over whether or not she's truly desires becoming a surgeon. During her last night of freedom, in order to endure a last hoorah, Meredith shares one night with Derek Shepherd, who after sleeping with her for one night, becomesthe father of her daughter Annabelle-Elise
1. Prologue 1

**So here I am, taking on another story. I know I said I wouldn't, but I can't help the flow of ideas slewing through my brain. I've seen a few stories like this done before, I won't lie but I promise, it's going to be different and innovative!**

 **I'm sure you're all like, 'sure okay' but I promise on my life, I'm going to try and do this best I possibly can. I also want to give warning this is just the prologue, the next chapter will be a time jump as well as much longer than this one. This is sort of an introduction, to get you all acquainted with the characters and their background. Without a further ado, I give you the first chapter of 'Little Piece of Me'**

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 _Chapter 1 | prologue_

Perhaps it was the tequila practically dripping from her pores. Potentially it was the obnoxious, ear wrenching music blaring through the musty bar. Maybe Sadie, _her best friend,_ chattering her ear off was the sole reason behind the fact Meredith Grey felt a heartbeat in her head. Her brain was pulsating in rhythmic thumps, _pulse, thump, pulse,_ the consecutive beats waning her toward exiting the bar to sleep off her last night in Italy. She immediately stops her subconscious from conveying such a ludicrous notion, as in the deep depths of her frantic spun mind, exiting would be a scarce decision. Leaving led to remembering and it was _that_ prominent reason she slugged herself through the ringer repetitively. Meredith hopes another tequila shot may heighten her current buzz. It could dilute any remnants of the persistent machete slicing through her cranium. Although, she was reverent that no amount of alcohol intake could repress the anchor weighing against her shoulders. She'd indulged on seven shots already, _seven,_ and she was barely at a buzz. Meredith prayed Sadie hadn't noticed the 'Debbie Downer' act she was performing for almost everyone inside the pub, it was _her_ last night in Italy as well and Meredith wasn't keen on spoiling the evening for her best friend.

Almost as if it were some sort of magic, another shot-glass appeared parallel from her, condensation forming across the transparent cup. Her narrow and dainty fingers curled around the glass, mentally preparing her esophagus for the burning sensation. The liquid glided in a downward spiral, coating her throat bitterly. _"Ugh.."_ Meredith whined to no one other than herself, _seeming as Sadie had wandered to god knows where, a_ tangy aftertaste blanketing her tastebuds. Meredith's migraine began to sail along the seas, beginning its voyage for the night, promising to make an unwanted cameo for the following morning. She'd take that risk, the risk of a strenuous hangover on a twelve hour flight, she'd risk it all if it meant that just for a tad longer, Meredith was not required to _think._

"Another one?" A grotesque tone teetering a thick Italian accent, reeled her back to reality. The bartender offered yet another round of 'José Cuervo' and as she had the seven previous times, Meredith accepted the offer. Her nails bounced against the worn wood of the bar, the pads of her fingers brushing across the indents and permanently engraved scuffs. This bar had a story she was sure of, _many_ stories at best. She was almost certain every tavern had a whimsical tale, yet this one most certainly took the cake for most intriguing. She came to that conclusion once taking observation of the walls decorated in a frenzy of photographs, each one encased by mismatched frames. Meredith could decipher newer from older with the naked eye, _a few stubborner than others._ She ached to become knowledgeable of the mysteries filling out the those wooden walls, although she was certainly tipsy by now and even if she were to find some poor Italian sap to educate her on the great novels of this bar, she'd be far too sluggish to keep coherency. _Her Italian wasn't_ _ **that**_ _good._

"Death!" Meredith cocked her head to the opposite direction, a swirl of blonde blinding her view. Sadie appeared to be way past _tipsy_ and Meredith assumed she'd be experiencing a long night by the porcelain thrown if she kept the Patroń riveting. "Get off your bloody ass, you're missing the fun." The exuberance radiating from the far right of the pub wasn't enticing to Meredith whatsoever. She'd almost rather gouge a hammer to her head consecutively rather than remove her tush from the leather barstool and party with a slew of foreigners.

Meredith's tongue trailed across her lower lip, a hint of tang from the shot she devoured only minutes earlier pasted against her cavern. "Die," her left hand groping a fistful of honey-blonde sprouting from her own scalp. "I'm not in the mood to _dance._ " The word rolled off her tongue hastily, like a _naughty_ word she'd said aloud for a primary time.

Sadie deemed perplexed, although Meredith wasn't completely sure of the accusation, she could barely read her friend sober, much less drunk on tequila. "Oh." Sadie nodded slowly and a wry smirk stretched along her rosy cheeks. "You're in need of a _different_ sort of party." She shuffled a few feet from Meredith's proximity, tapping her forefinger against the flesh of her chin. Sadie's head dipped at a ninety degree angle, seemingly distracted from the sour expression gracing Meredith's features. That damn woman had pestered Meredith almost the entire two months they'd spent down in Europe she needed to get _laid._ She was no beginner when it came to one-night stands, however she wasn't sure her sexcapades could handle a European man. The individuals over on this side of the world were definitely a foreign breed.

"Sadie." She snapped quicker than intended, Meredith prayed her friend hadn't noticed the hastiness wafting across her tone. She hadn't, certainly due to the overly chaotic noise in the establishment or perhaps since she was drunker than a skunk.

"Him. He looks _delicious_." Meredith leaned forward, attempting to grip the blondes attention again only to halt when her irises caught sight of the man Sadie's pointer finger was directing her attention toward.

The mystery man sat alone in a booth near the back corner of the hectic bar. Glasses cluttered his table, each and every one free of any remnants of alcohol. His finger tracing the pubs logo across one of the glasses. A ravenous mane spiraling from his scalp, his curls tussled to perfection. From a far, his skin appeared a light, peachy color. Meredith was unable to detect the intimate details of his facial structure from the position her body was in. She'd need to get a tad more up close and personal to pinpoint the creases and freckles. The mans attire consisted of a red button down shirt, the cuffs of each sleeve rolled upward, stopping mid forearm. A silver watch decorated his left wrist just before he clutched another glass of what seemed to be _scotch?_ Meredith mentally gagged, good lord she detested the foul drink. For a moment she was almost considering sleeping with this stranger, _hot as hell_ stranger in the back of the tavern. She now had an excuse as to why she couldn't take him to bed; _he drank scotch._ Meredith's excuse was lousy for sure, but her head was runny and clouded by the tequila swimming through her veins.

"He drinks scotch," she stated as if it weren't obvious to Sadie. "I _can't_ sleep with a guy who drinks bucket loads of scotch. Plus, he isn't _that_ attractive." Maybe if Meredith nursed a few more blends of tequila, she'd be too drunk to be a downer about rubbing against sloppy Italians in the far right of the bar. It would be an excuse to forget about the _oh so hot_ man perched by the corner.

Sadie snickered, craning her neck back. "Please, you look like a wild bear, waiting to _devour_ its next prey." A fever pricked her skin at Sadie's observation. She knew the woman was far too drunk to even be standing upright, although it was definitely no lie she'd been spot on. Her core was practically burning with desire and suddenly her panties had fallen victim to her hormonal aches. Her thirst needed to be quenched as the beast hunkered down in her lady parts has sprung to glorious life, awakening after months of unintentional hibernation. She'd been celibate for far too long. Meredith _needed_ a good _fuck._

"If you won't hump him, I will." She added.

Meredith rose to her feet in seconds, a light dizziness detouring her destination for a moment. _Stupid, stupid tequila._ However the alcohol provided Meredith some much needed confidence and she wore it with pride as she strode over to the bachelor. As she crept closer, Sadie disintegrating in the background of noise, Meredith plucked out numerous details she hadn't been able to see before. For starters, he was _older_ than her for sure. Not in a silver fox sort of way, but definitely not twenty-one. His jaw line accentuating his features, _she craved to lick the dip between his neck and ear,_ a thin layer of blackened stubble coated the lower half of his face, speckling lightly across his throat and Adam's apple. His hands noticeably larger, _her cleft twitching with life,_ as he absentmindedly ran his right hand through his mound of raven colored locks.

She's now inches away and she lightly scoffs as he's yet to take notice of her newfound presence. Meredith takes a few moments to accumulate as to what she's supposed to say to this mystery guy, sitting alone at a table in the bar. _"Oh hi! I'm suuuppeeeeeerrrr horny right now, mind if I take you out back and hump you until I'm numb? Thank you so much!"_ She's done this before, so many times she's lost count of the men. Although this was a different turf, _foreign turf,_ and she's was inexperienced with men on the opposite side of the planet. Perhaps waltzing over to the random guy was a mistake; he does appear to be drowning his sorrows in drinks. He's grieving over _something._ She shouldn't disturb his private moment to fulfill her slutty needs. Damn those perplexing, hormones, damn them-

"Well hello there." He speaks directly to Meredith mid thought. Her legs are pools of jello instantly considering his vocal chords are angelic. A lump in her throat the size of a grapefruit forms and she's unable to produce any intelligible speech. She's known him for barely three seconds and this guy has already made her weak in the knees. He shifts his neck and flashes a sheepish smile her way. His irises melt her insides in an instant; a perfect combination of baby blue with a hint of grey. Specks of gleam and glitter glazed his pupils and suddenly Meredith Grey was drunker on the gaze he was shooting rather than the tequila she indulged on earlier. A soft light radiating from the lamp hovering over his table brushed across his facial features perfectly. The yellow-y shade coating his face gave Meredith a crystal clear view of every prominent detail his face held.

"Hi." Meredith blurted awkwardly. The back of her neck was moist from the sheen of perspire blanketing her flesh. Perhaps this time around was rather complicated due to the fact she wasn't _nearly_ as drunk as she'd like to be. Back in Boston, Meredith could pick up any man her lower half throbbed for. However, those times she'd been almost more loaded than Sadie was currently, that was definitely saying something considering her blonde best friend was topless, galavanting on a tabletop. Meredith was lucid and aware of her actions currently.

His head cocks to the side, this time a hungry smirk coveting his cheeks. Lust dances across his eyes while he diverts them up and down, most likely taking in a full mirror view of Meredith's body. She feels exposed, as she were delivering a speech buck naked in front of a thousand people. Although her cluster of individuals is a man who's raked her raw just by a simple glance. "Can I get a name?" He questions.

She envelopes her arms across her chest firmly, she's deemed herself as officially untrusting around this guy as she might just reach out and _devour_ him on the booth. "I'm just a girl in a bar." Meredith quips, running the tips of her fingers across her exposed arms.

"Hmm." He seems to ponder that response momentarily, only to respond with, "Well then, I guess I'm just a guy in a bar." His brow contorts and Meredith's knows a pool of wetness is dripping between her legs. Meredith could _murder_ Sadie for awakening her beast.

"Well then, 'Guy in a bar' am I allowed to buy you a drink?" Her stomach roils imagining using her own cash to buy _scotch._ She'd have to lecture him on how nasty shit was, perhaps after they indulge on a few rounds of _mind boggling_ sex.

He chortles softly, his front tooth sinking against his bottom lip. Meredith's certain his mouth is soft and warm, much similar to a babies bottom. "Shouldn't I be the one buying _you_ a drink?"

"I've had enough tequila already." Her giggle fills the inches between the two. She throws her head back, riding the chuckle out.

" _Tequila?"_ His face scrunches in what appears to be disgust. "How do you digest tequila? That stuff is retched."

"How do you drink _scotch?"_ She mimics the expression of horror he's protruded at her, although she knows they're only teasing one another. Their playful demeanor resembles a much more PG version of foreplay although Meredith is envisioning something a tad more on the PG-13 side. Normally Meredith takes no time to kiss and touch when it comes to her one nighters. In fact, most always the only thing on her mind is reaching an orgasm as she can't do it on her own. She was in the dark on two thirds of this man, _hell she didn't even know his flipping name,_ yet the only thing her brain was processing was images of him savoring his body with his lips and his hands groping her flesh in all the right places. She aches to rip the bandaid off.

"Touché." He counters.

Meredith steps closer, his scent infesting her nostrils. He smells of some kind of aftershave and alcohol, although she finds this fragrance intriguing. "Do you want to get out of here?" Meredith pries the pesky bandage away with a simple, crystal clear sentence. She spots the lust in his eyes from moments earlier, still there, perhaps deeper this time around. She could stare into his orbs for what felt like eternity, _his eyes were_ _ **really**_ _beautiful,_ like two calming oceans mounted to his face.

"Someone's eager." He replies, brushing the pad of his thumb across Meredith's cheek. She's blushing. Meredith _knows_ she's blushing but hell, she's too invested in the moment to care. It's silly almost, to be _this_ horny for a man she didn't know. Was that abnormal? Feeling like a sixteen year old girl again, flaunting over boys she knew she'd never get the chance to be with. Maybe that's why masturbation was invented, that way people who were desperate to get laid by certain people could have them, in some kind of fantasy.

"And if I am?" Meredith retorts, restraining herself from reaching upward and smashing her lips against his own.

He grins once more, _she swears his smile is almost as gorgeous as his eyes,_ and his eyes make a bee line for the front entrance. "I like women that jump the gun." He steps closer. "Very. Much." Now his breath pulsates against her lips and she prays she can withhold the beast deep within her core.

"Then I suppose we better leave." Meredith's fingers intwine with his, she snorts at how large his hand appears in hers. She allows the childish thought to slip her mind, dragging 'the guy in the bar' down and out of the vicinity.

* * *

The sheets radiate _sex._ The room smells of nothing but _sex._ Wild, hot, _mind boggling_ sex. A thick blanket of sweat coats Meredith from head to toe. It's the first time, in a _long_ time she actually remembers the vast majority of her sexual experience with a one-night stand. Meredith relishes that thought, because she wishes for nothing more than to keep every memory of the last three hours to herself _forever._ He was damn good in bed. Correction, a fucking God in bed.

She's uncertain as to whether or not Sadie made it back safely to her room. She doesn't care to check, as her entire body is _sore,_ from her clavicle, down to her hamstrings. Meredith isn't complaining, it's a good kind of a sore. The kind of sore that makes her want to relive the last few moments in her head repetitively, like a broken record. The comforter is warming the floor instead of their bodies, a sneaky grin plastering across Meredith's rosy cheeks, heated from the glorious sex she'd induced minutes earlier. Their clothes decorate various objects in the hotel room, including a lamp, _which they knocked down,_ a tethered love seat caressing their shoes and shirts, and the floor holding onto the remaining clothing articles, dust collecting at the pants and panties.

Meredith rolls to her side, drinking the image of a sweaty, although _so fucking hot,_ man lazily lying in bed alongside her. She finds it ironic they spent the last few hours humping like bunnies on drugs, though she's yet to discover his true identity. The mystery of it all intoxicates her hormones though, it's all so very scandalous in retrospect. Her fingers waltz along the veins trailed along his forearms. The gesture feels natural and he doesn't seem to be bothered by her actions either. In fact, he rolls his head to face her own, a grin the size of China preening across his facial features. _God his smile is cute_ Meredith thinks to herself, momentarily wondering what the woman he'd end up marrying would feel like, waking up to _that_ every single day.

"Derek." He whispers, gripping Meredith's knee, adding a bit of pressure. "My name is Derek. Derek Shepherd."

 _Derek._ Even his name is _oh so perfect._ "I think I liked 'Guy in a bar' better." Meredith asserts teasingly, her giggle filling the silence drifting, although even if she hadn't felt the urge to release a sudden chortle, the silence wouldn't have been awkward and tense. More sated and relaxed.

He rolls his eyes, beginning to stroke the freckle coated flesh of Meredith's leg. "You started it, 'Girl in a bar.'" This time they both fill the silence with a belly chuckle. Meredith feels guilt pluck at her heart for thinking this experience deems a lot more fun than all those late nights at clubs, drinking and doing drugs she'd spent with Sadie. She loves 'Die' although at times Meredith wonders if her so called partner in crime would still be her friend if she exempted out on all the wild and ludicrous things she did. She lets the thought crumble, as she doesn't want to ruin her _perfect_ last night in Italy with something dark and twisty. She'd worry over whether Sadie was a true bestie or not at another time, maybe the following morning on the plane ride back to Boston she could resent the blonde for imploding such a gruesome hangover on her.

"Touché." Meredith mocks the statement he made back at the bar, scooting in closer. His heat pulsates across to Meredith's body, memories flood her brain of just mere hours ago, he kissing the ever living day lights out of her. "It's Meredith, by the way. Meredith Grey."

"Beautiful." He states boldly. Her heart flutters and she doesn't even understand the meaning behind it all. The guys she's known for years have never cast such a magic trance on her unlike this man she knows nothing about has already whisked her away.

"It's just a name." Meredith whispers, shifting to her back.

"It's _different._ " Derek retorts, "I don't know any Meredith's."

"You do now."

Derek laughs lightly, although she's sure his chortles fade due to the fatigue most likely shifting through his body. They lay in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, their breath patterns the only sound other than the bustling of cars and city life outside the window, present in the hotel room. "I've never done this before." He admits, almost timidly, seemingly embarrassed of his confession.

Meredith diverts her attention to the raven haired Adonis, brushing her fingers through his damp locks, running the tips of each nail against his scalp. "You've never had a one-night stand?" She finds this fact hard to believe, he's _gorgeous._ What woman wouldn't want to jump him?

"No, I um," he pauses, "I've been with this woman for a while now. I'm kind of known to be a 'romantic' I never believed in silly hookups. Anyways, a week ago I come to find out she's been sleeping with my best friend; how lucky am I?" Derek laughs but Meredith can hear the pain and lonesomeness sifting from his vocal chords. She figures this is something they have in common, a dark and twisty back story they're both too stubborn to admit to anyone other than themselves.

"It's okay." Meredith interrupts, splaying her hand across his own. "You don't have to say anything else, I get it." He shoots her a small smile and Meredith finds herself getting lost inside his tiny grin. She's subconsciously entwined her fingers with his and blush licks flames across her neck and chest. They fall into another silence, this one stretching longer than the last. It's weird to think about, two strangers laying nude in a bed together, having committed one of the most intimate and private acts of _love_ couples endure themselves in, holding hands. Yet it all felt so _normal._ Meredith felt a surge of desire to get to know Derek Shepherd as more than just the 'Guy in the bar'

So she does just that, she gets to know every detail about the man parallel to her within the short span of hours they hold together before the sun rises to diminish their whirlwind evening.

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 **Authors note**

 **Thoughts? Honestly I think you're all going to love this story. I do want to say CileSuns92 (on ) definitely sparked my inspiration for this story I think you should all definitely check her out!**

 **Remember, next chapter much longer, it may help fill in the blanks a little because I'm sure a slew of you are lost. I'm excited to be writing this though in hoping I can keep up with this as well as "Let's talk about sex baby" fingers crossed!**

 **Do me a huge favor and review for me! Those make me inspired to write more and I'd appreciate feedback, it let's me know what I should improve on or if there's nothing to improve it definitely makes my day brighter.**

 **Hope you all enjoyed this chapter, I love you all!**


	2. Perhaps It's Fait 2

**I want to thank you all for the kind feedback you've given me from the last chapter! I wasn't too sure how this story was going to go over but I feel relieved and ecstatic you've all jumped on board with me!**

 **In this chapter, I want to remind you all the first chapter was a prologue, this is where everything actually begins. This takes place errm I wanna say nearly four years later? So just keep that in mind for me when you're reading.**

 **Please remember to review for me when you're done reading the chapter, that means the world to me!**

 **Without further ado, I give you chapter two of Little Piece of Me**

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 _Chapter 2 | Perhaps It's fait_

Children implore for the better half of their youth to be an adult. A 'grown up' in their mindset is an individual who clutches a magic key, that unlocks a whirlwind of freedoms. For children, adults conjure their own rules and regulations. The saying is tired and true, _'Stay young for as long as you can, because once it's gone, it's gone'_ most children ignore the plead and begin their voyage to adulthood far earlier than their parents or supervisors intend. Meredith Grey falls as the exception. Her mother as a surgeon didn't leave much time to raise her daughter, to teach Meredith the 'rights' or 'wrongs' of this world. Raising herself was a given, conjuring meals at merely the age of six, cleaning the house at eight. Hell, Meredith was aware of public transportation at five years of age. Perhaps adolescents should keep their ears peeled while superiors pricked their ear drums dry with warnings. Meredith aches to have had those warnings; the repetitive barking to stay a child forever.

Choppy shrieks crescendo through the vicinity of Meredith's living room. She mumbles something unintelligent against the musty cushion of the dark green sofa. Her head feels far too heavy for her neck to carry. The mere notion of her eyes welcoming in sunlight was horrifying. Lethargy was overpowering her will to move, curling against the back of the couch like a kitten on a drizzling afternoon seemed far more intriguing than the responsibilities she was in need of pursuing for the day. Perhaps five years ago she would've shooed off the daily tasks, ignoring her duties of life. Though this time around, her maternal instincts begin to boil, flaming in a bubbling mixture of concern and care for the cry making her ears pulsate.

 _'I just have to get up and go upstairs'_ Meredith's subconscious reminds her, leaving those fresh thoughts of laying back to dissolve in her mental vacuum. Her eyes flutter, beams of light cascading against her irises. Her muscles scream to stop the movement, though she ignores the cries of pain. _Oh what she would do for a bubble bath right now._ Her eyes adjust to the intense rays of sunlight shooting through the glass windows, she takes notice of the unpacked boxes scattered through her den. The toilet brush decorating the mantel humors her slightly, however her moment adrift from reality vanishes once the pleading cries of help ring her ears again. Her fingers pluck the lavender blanket warming the floor rather than her body. Meredith shields the cover across her shoulders, a chill creeping down her spine. She patters up the staircase, turning the corner to make a bee line down to the bedroom closest to her own.

The hinges of the wooden door moan in distress, _she'd have to look into fixing that later on,_ only to reveal a plum pink room and a petite toddler whaling at the middle of the bed. Meredith's heart clenches at the picture painted, even if it weren't, she feels responsible for the little girls distress. "Hey." Meredith's tone gentle, a calming blend of concern and gentleness. "What's wrong, pumpkin?" Her fingers curl around the toddlers ribs, perching her _pampers_ clad tush against her hipbone.

For a three year old, Annabelle-Elise was much smaller than Meredith intended. She worries constantly, fearing that she may have done something wrong a while back that caused her malnutrition. Though Anna's pediatrician assures Meredith she's just tiny structured, she can't help but blame _herself_ on the little girls imperfections. Anna's slobbered coated fingers caress Meredith's chin, in what appeared to be an attempt to grasp her attention. "Mommy's here." Meredith chimes, brushing back the sticky, sweat eclipsed, honey-blonde curls blanketing Anna's head. Glossy, fat tears rim the toddlers soft blue eyes, _in which she inherited from her father,_ attempting to let loose again.

Meredith scatters soft and nurturing kisses across the crown of Anna's tussled head of tresses. She presses the palm of her hand to the little girls forehead, checking maternally whether or not she may have a fever. Meredith only detects clamminess which she presumes has developed from her child's earth shattering sobs. Meredith's brain is sluggish though, her med-student mind not fully articulated as she's still hazy with fatigue. The early hour is a helping participate of her mushed mind. With the little knowledge she has, Meredith diagnoses her daughter best as possible. Her pull-ups appear clean _enough,_ no fever, she was far past the terrible twos, what could possibly be hurting her precious baby girl? The realization strikes her just as lightning in the sky. Annabelle-Elise is hurting _mentally_ rather than _physically._ Meredith feels silly as she hadn't come to that conclusion sooner. She moved herself and her daughter across the country only a day earlier, of course her daughter was feeling confusion.

"Bad dream, pumpkin?" Meredith's lips graciously press to Anna's forehead, comforting the quivering child best as she could manage. Raising Annabelle-Elise alone hadn't been Meredith's primary goal, much less birthing a child alone. The toddler hadn't been in her plans _at all_ as a matter of fact. She came as a spur of the moment thing. At times, when she's far too exhausted to keep her eyelids from closing, Meredith questions as to why she took on such a huge responsibility? Childcare was no 'walk in the park' and she feels as this deems true for any parent, single or not.

The doubtful thoughts whisk away almost instantly when she receives moments such as these. Anna's head nuzzled against the nook of Meredith's neck, her breathing evening out into perfect rhythmic breaths, her thumb finding a home in her small cavern, and her miniature hand, resting upon Meredith's beating heart. _This_ was why Annabelle-Elise was a prominent person in Meredith's life. Father or no father, Meredith can vouch truthfully that she will relish Anna with every ounce of love her heart contains.

Any day prior, Meredith may have cancelled her college courses for the day, making sure to let the daycare knowledgeable Anna wouldn't be making an appearance either. She'd take a _'me'_ day with her beloved child, letting the hours dwindle into the nighttime darkness as she spends her day cuddling and caressing Anna. Unfortunately it isn't 'any other day' anymore. As of today she isn't a struggling med-student, pile high in loans, schoolwork, tests, and stress. As of today she begins her internship at Seattle Grace and skipping out would most likely result in termination of her job and career. Doctors aren't compassionate of small children, unlike most of her professors back at Dartmouth when realizing she had a child waiting for her at home. Doctors don't care if your beloved adolescent is in need of 'parent to child' time. As gruesome and unfair the system presumes, it's the way things maneuver. Whether Meredith's agrees with it or doesn't.

She contemplates momentarily whether or not to wake Anna, awing at the precious view of the toddler sleeping soundly against her chest. Her better judgment wins the latter, knowing Anna would grow fussy later on if she wasn't to wake now. Meredith adjusts her grip on Anna's side, securing the girl tighter before exiting her new bedroom. Her eyes gather the sight of the corridor, vague flashes from her youth swimming around her mind. Meredith hadn't planned on _ever_ seeing this house once more. Then again she hadn't pictured having a three year old toddler in her life either, life was crazy like that.

* * *

"Hospital?" Anna's expression resembles an unsolved jigsaw, the pieces scattered in an array of disorientation. Meredith plants a plastic, mauve hued bowl, filled halfway with _Cheerios._ She'd tried her best to explain the new situation to her daughter, hoping her child-brain could interpret the meaning behind why 'mommy' wouldn't be around as often. Brushing the topic under the rug was certainly a specialty of Meredith's, as she enjoyed running from problems she couldn't contain.

Meredith thought the decision over in her head more times than she could remember. Her dream had always been surgery, but Annabelle-Elise had shifted Meredith's world off its axis, she began to think her dreams were drifting. Countless nights of lying awake, weighing the pros and cons of her situation was far more straining to the brain than a hundred questioned exam in her book. Meredith was fretting over whether or not she'd become her own mother. Chills trailed her spine at the mere thought of Anna raising herself. After a long consideration and pulling in all factors, she came to the conclusion of being able to be a surgeon and a _mother._ Millions of women across the globe did it, why couldn't she? "Yes, hospital, baby girl. I'm going to work there." She kneels down in front Anna's booster seat, neatly strapped to the kitchen table chair. Her fingers stroke the girls plum cheeks, relishing at the feel of her soft, baby flesh brushing against the pads of her fingers.

"Work at hospital?" Her baby vocal chords echo through the kitchen and Meredith can't help but allow a grin the size of Texas to cross her cheeks.

Meredith nods, trying her best to thread her fingers through Anna's tiny ones. "Yep, and you are going to be in the hospital daycare. You're gonna meet _lots_ of new playmates and make new friends." She scrunches her nose, squeezing the young girls hand in her own. "How does that sound?"

The dissonance crossing Annabelle-Elise's expression dissolves and a giggle erupts from the girls cavern. Meredith's heart flutters at the melody of her laughter, she could listen to that noise for the rest of her life and never feel dread again. _She swears the sound could cure diseases._ "Dat sounds fun!" Anna claps her hands for emphasis, Meredith giggling at the toddlers lisp. Guilt plucks her heart and she can't help but feel resentful for leaving her baby alone at only three. _Well not_ _ **alone**_ _,_ but she scowls at the idea of dropping her child off in a random daycare for hours on end. Though it was her career and her _dream._

"I love you Anna." She convulses softly, leaning inward. "Do you love, mommy?"

Anna's hands grab, _well try to,_ Meredith's cheeks, her fingers covered in baby saliva, milk, and cereal. Though Meredith doesn't think she could possibly care at this point. "I love you, mommy." The girl replies, her tone radiating sincerity.

"Give mommy a kiss." Meredith's lips pucker, Anna mimics her mothers actions, though her expression resembles a fish rather than a 'ready to smooch' face. Nonetheless, Anna manages to plant a wet kiss against Meredith's lips, squeezing her mothers cheeks together as firm and tight as her small hands could manage. She loves her daughters mirth and at times she wishes Annabelle-Elise could stay three forever. "I love you so much, baby." Meredith can't help but want to remind Anna again. If the only words Meredith could ever manage to voice for the rest of her life were 'I love you, Annabelle-Elise' she'd be content for the rest of her life.

* * *

Meredith thinks she may be struggling more than Annabelle-Elise when dropping her off at the hospitals daycare. She doesn't understand the sudden emotional turmoil her hormones have trailed her down, though she can't help but feel the pools of glossy tears rimming her eyes. She's done this before, dropped the toddler off at daycare numerous amounts of times back in med-school. She supposes the only difference this time around is perhaps she isn't just dropping her off for an hour, more like forty-eight hours to be exact. Her stomach is doing somersaults at best and she begins to resent the idea of beginning her internship so early. Meredith feels as if waiting until her daughter was old enough for kindergarten could have prompted as easier, though Meredith Grey never did _easy._

Meredith kneels down in front of her daughter, taking in her intricate features all at once. Her honey-blonde hair replicates her mothers, long curls she's developed from her father, cascade down her shoulders and back. Two calming oceans plaster against her face in which she's inherited from her dad as well and Meredith can't help but find herself getting lost in the little girls eyes at times. A button nose decorates her face along side an array of scattered freckles in which Meredith passed down. Annabelle-Elise is a perfect blend of her mother and father, that idea brings tears to Meredith's eyes for a whole different reasoning behind it all. She's dressed in a simple lavender dress and jean jacket. Tiny sneakers decorate her feet as well. A miniature book bag with butterflies scattered across, is settled securely against the toddlers back, inside it holds snacks, coloring books, and her favorite stuffed rabbit.

"Please be a good girl for mommy, okay?" Meredith reels Annabelle-Elise into a hug, trickling her fingers down the girls backside in an attempt to comfort herself.

She feels Anna nodding against the side of her hair. "Yes, mommy I will." Anna tugs away, preens a bright smile toward Meredith, and trots onward into the room piled high in toys and children. Meredith watches her daughter prance off and begins to reciprocate her position from the floor, up until arms come flying around her neck unexpectedly, steering her body downward to the speckled ground. "I love you, so much mommy." Anna whispers against Meredith's ear.

Her heart swells, the tears she'd managed to rid herself from flood back in, and she feels like sobbing a river. For the longest time, she couldn't rap her head around why women gave up their jobs to pursue motherhood. The idea of being home with children constantly tied Meredith's stomach into knots, prior Anna. Now she _gets it._ The notion behind it all. Not only does leaving her baby behind to pursue her own needs make Meredith feel like a shitty mother, it makes her heart ache. Leaving Anna was like a kick to the stomach to say the least. She _loved_ her more than she ever thought possible. At times Meredith wonders if her child's father would ever love Annabelle-Elise as much as she does if he'd known of her existence. Though she sweeps the thought under the already over crowded rug, another aching desire unlikely to be fulfilled.

"I love you too, Anna." Meredith conveys. She presses a 'big' kiss to her daughters lips and she doesn't care who the hell is watching her intimate exchange with Anna. Eventually though, Anna has to pull away and Meredith had to tug on her _big girl pants_ in order to let go and pursue the rest of her day. _The rest of her career._ Soon Anna blends against the rest of the toddlers towering the playroom and it is at that time Meredith realizes it's _actually_ time to get a move on. She turns on her heel, making her way down the hallway. The flood gates are in full swing. She's a combustion of emotions and she doesn't care for the pity filled stares shooting her way. Maybe she's overlooked the entire surgeon thing, maybe she _can't_ have it all. She decides to let the next forty-eight hours decide her faith as she trails along to the interns locker room.

* * *

"You got Bailey?" An Asian woman disperses the question to Meredith rapidly while she ties her hair back in a bun. The locker room is a bustling madhouse to sugarcoat it. Meredith takes note of the frazzled, fresh out of med-school students scurrying around like ants trying to find their colonies. She snorts to herself at how little life experience they all appear to have, although her reasoning behind having so _much_ life experience is ironic and dark and twisty, she can't help but humor herself.

Meredith glances up and nods, standing up as she slides her lab coat on. "Yeah, I hear she's the 'Nazi.' I'm Meredith, by the way." she's _heard_ a lot of things as a matter of fact. Her mother _did_ used to be a surgeon around here. She realizes once the flock of interns comes to the realization of who her mother is, they'll most definitely treat her differently and she's already begun to mentally prepare herself for the ringer she's about to go through.

"Yang, Cristina Yang." She replies forcefully, tying her almost untamable curls up into a pony tail. Meredith ponders as to how the elastic doesn't rip.

"You have Bailey too?" A doe eyed boy chimes from the corner of the locker room. He seems vaguely familiar though Meredith can't quite tap a finger on it. She has far too many things to keep account during her day and remembering some guy who looks as if his mother still irons his clothes isn't one of them.

Meredith and the Cristina nod, glancing toward one another. "Yeah." Meredith tries her best to show off a 'friendly' smile though her mood is far from friendly. In fact her mood _sucks._ She hates to admit it, but curled up on the couch with a blanket and Annabelle-Elise by her side sounded much more appealing than the gruesome hours of scut she'd be enduring. Why did her mother have to be a surgeon and pass on the genes? She resents her mother for that as well, alongside everything else Meredith has written on her mental list.

"You don't remember me, do you?" He questions. Meredith can see the boys teeth gritting in utter distress, _a hint of annoyance,_ as he realizes Meredith really doesn't know who the hell this is. Where had she seen him before? Perhaps at the-

"The intern mixer." He interrupts her thought process. She remembers attending last night, only for a few minutes though as she was anxious to catch a few hours of shut eye before her shift the next morning. Meredith was picking at the snacks, while he was yapping her ear off over something she can't articulate. "You were wearing the black dress and strappy sandals?"

His first statement jogged her memory just fine, but he doesn't seem to be fixated on that yet. "I'm not gay." He adds and Meredith's chuckles to herself. He does _seem_ gay even if he claims he isn't.

"I remember you." Meredith sighs, wrapping her stethoscope around her neck. "We met at the snack table."

"Yeah!" He seems sated with Meredith's sudden revaluation and that brings her peace for at least a few minutes. "I'm George by the way. George O'Malley." Meredith nods in a way to let him know she understands. She directs her attention to the door that seems to be swinging back and forth more times than her mind can keep track of. The cluster of people almost gives Meredith anxiety, she thinks it may be from the fact it's been solely she and her daughter for so many years, she hasn't had much of a chance to break loose and get lost in a crowd of overbearing people. In fact the last time she allowed herself that, Annabelle-Elise was conceived. But she doesn't regret that decision for a _second._

Their names are called out by group, a weight mounts to Meredith's chest as she hears her name along with a slew of other interns. Yang and O'Malley are in her group, along with someone named Stevens and Karev. A lump the size of a baseball swirls against her esophagus and she feels like she's having trouble sifting air in and out. Is this what she'd be feeling all the time? The constant fear of making a wrong move? Her heart exerts itself quickly while she trots down the hall, Cristina babbling something against her ear she doesn't quite catch. Is she always _this_ out of breath when running down walkways? She can't remember, suddenly she can't remember _anything._

The walkthrough with her resident Dr. Bailey is a blur, though she catches a flaw in her protocols. "You said five rules, that was only four." Meredith speaks, her hand raised timidly by her side. Bailey seems unimpressed with Meredith's findings, a smug expression crossing her features. A pager alerts them all something is happening and Bailey grimaces.

"Rule number five, when I move, you move!" Her voice crescendos through the corridor as Meredith and the rest of the interns follow their resident in an unorganized line.

"I'm screwed." Meredith mumbles beneath her breath.

* * *

Meredith promised Anna lunch, though she's _late_ and it makes her feel even shittier than she was before. Her patient Katie Bryce is a real _pain in her ass_ and she didn't think something could possibly be so **annoying**.

She's sure the other interns are curious as to where the hell she is during the lunch break, but she doesn't feel comfortable exposing the fact she has a daughter, much less exposing the fact her daughter was a drunken mishap during a one-night stand back in Europe nearly four years ago. Meredith sits Indian style on a puzzle pieced carpet next to Annabelle-Elise, who's patiently patiently waiting for her mother to unwrap her PB&J sandwich. She nearly sets the perfectly cut triangles parallel to her daughter, _the crusts chopped off,_ and does the same for herself. She's indulging on a ham and cheese today, and though her stomach isn't particularly up to par for a meal, _at least after seeing the sights she's seen today,_ she bares through it for Anna.

"How was your day?" Meredith questions, nibbling at the corner of her white bread clad meal. She gazes out the corner of her eye at the way her daughter chomps down on her food with absolutely no remorse. Anna gets her over aggressive appetite from Meredith for sure. She's always been quite a foodie herself and her daughter has presented herself as one as well.

Jelly drips from Anna's lip, peanut butter eclipsing her fingers. "Gwood mwommy." She replies with a full mouth and though it's messy and a pain to clean, Meredith finds it adorable. Hell, she finds _everything_ Anna pursues adorable.

"Well that makes me happy pumpkin." Meredith takes another bite of her sandwich. Somehow it's managed to awaken her growling beast, and her belly feels more excepting of food than it had only minutes earlier. She continues to munch down on her lunch, a comfortable silence drifting between she and her daughter.

"Mommy?" Annabelle-Elise murmurs, placing her sandwich back on the wrapper. Her fingers and mouth are still clad in leftover jelly and peanut butter, but a serious expression glazes over Anna's face.

Meredith reaches over with a wet wipe, _she keeps them handy for purposes such as this,_ and wipes down her daughters face and hands before answering her pondering question. "Yes, pumpkin?"

"How was," she pauses as if she needed to think of the right words. Meredith wonders how that is sometimes, not knowing how to form correct and coherent sentences while not having every word 'mommy' has in her vocabulary. It must be straining trying to piece things together with such a limited amount of words to choose from. "How was bein' _doctor_?" The word sounds like a bad one coming from Anna's cavern. She can't help but smile as her daughter widens her vocabulary. She's truly a _smart_ little girl and Meredith knows this deep down in her heart, but it worries her at times how shy and timid Anna is when forming sentences. Around her she's just fine commuting a conversation. Around other she tenses and that _frightens_ Meredith beyond belief.

"It's _very_ good baby girl." Meredith smiles, leaning over to press a kiss to her daughters temple. "But it's _hard_." She expresses the truth, being an intern on the first day is by far the most excruciating things she's ever done, besides childbirth though she's chosen to suppress most of that memory up until the moment Annabelle-Elise had filled Meredith's awaiting arms.

The girl nods. Her expression is a compassionate one, as if she understands what Meredith is going through. She wishes to convulse a little longer with Anna, in fact she wishes she could talk with her _forever_ but as unfortunate as it was, nothing was _forever._ Her pager begins to shriek and Meredith mentally curses Katie Bryce for interrupting her lunch with Anna. "Mommy's gotta go, pumpkin." Meredith grimaces, leaning over to peck her daughters lips lightly. "I'll see you as soon as I can, okay?"

Anna nods, hugging Meredith just as she had earlier when she dropped her off. They expressed their 'I love you's' once more before Meredith truly had to scamper away.

* * *

"Katie's parents have questions, do I get Burke?" Meredith feels frazzled by the overwhelming amount of information she _doesn't_ know. The amount she currently knows is already enough to give her a small migraine, even more feels like her head may topple off. The shift is barely even over though it feels _much_ longer. She's teetering the idea of quitting at this point, it all seems like _too_ much for her to handle. Plus she feels being a mother comes before anything in this case. If she can't balance both, picking one over the other she'd most definitely pick the latter. She'd choose _Annabelle-Elise._

"Uh no." Dr. Bailey replies, almost distracted. "Burke's off the case, go talk to the new attending, Dr. Shepherd." The last name Shepherd makes Meredith's skin goose across her flesh. It reminds her of _him._ Anna is a prominent reminder enough, the extra add-ons seem more like a cruel and unusual punishment.

She nods, pushing the door open. Her eyes are in search of _Dr. Shepherd_ whoever the hell that is. Then she sees it. She sees _him._ Her chest is tightening and all feels too false to be real. She feels like pinching herself or perhaps hurdling her body out the nearest window, whichever came easiest. Perhaps her tired mind is just _playing_ tricks on her. The name Shepherd brought back _multiple_ memories and her brain is just fogged with the vivid imagery. Clustered by the dark, ravenous mane, the slightly crooked, yet still adorable nose, those ocean blue eyes, that damn body... **NO**! Meredith shook her head, glancing up again, expecting to see a completely different man standing by the nurses station.

He's still there. _Still standing there!_ The man she talked to all night long. The man she had four _glorious_ rounds of mind-altering sex. The man she conceived Annabelle-Elise with was standing almost ten feet away from her. She'd dreamed of this moment for years, finding the father of her child. Though Meredith never expected it to be like this, during the first day of her _job._ It all felt too surreal and everything felt too vivid. It was when his eyes locked with her own and he too remembered her did she run. She was a runner for god sakes. Running was her only defense in situations she didn't know how to handle.

So she ran, Meredith Grey ran as fast her legs could take away from Derek Shepherd, the father of Annabelle-Elise.

* * *

 **Authors note:**

 **I wrote this in one day and I feel proud of how well everything turned out. How did you all feel about the introduction of Annabelle-Elise?! Honestly even if I'm the one writing I** _ **love**_ **her. I'm a huge sucker for little girls ranging from the ages of newborn all the way to nine years old. What did you think about mommy intern Meredith? Intrigued myself, I'm curious to know how mothers who are just at the start of their medical careers handle a child and work. Because I know they exist!**

 **What are your thoughts on the majority of this chapter being Anna and Meredith? Also I need to point out something, I'm not recreating every Grey's Anatomy episode with Meredith as a mom and I'm surely not recreating it word for word or storyline for storyline. Sure there will be plenty similarities along the way, but I don't have the time to go back and rewatch every episode and see what to write. I'll try and write from pure memory but this is an AU and a FanFiction at best. It isn't supposed to be like the show and I must say it truly irks me when people have more than half of their chapters written as scenes from the show.**

 **Ignore my meaningless rants, but tell me your thoughts and opinions! I LOVE hearing feedback it inspires me sososososo much and I know some of you are shy and that's alright but at least maybe potentially write in as a guest (if you're in ) or if you're here on Wattpad, at least do me a favor and let me know your thoughts of it (:**

 **Again I hope you've enjoyed this chapter, I think I've covered most everything. Also I want to let you know this story will be in Meredith's POV unless I decide something needs to be in Derek's though I don't think that'll happen for a while at least. I promise I'm gonna give y'all boat loads of MerDer next chapter so don't be too bummed! I love you all so much and thank you for taking the time to read!**


	3. Forty Eight Hours 3

_Chapter 3 | Forty Eight Hours_

 _Fear_ ; an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. _Fear;_ an undeniable humane trait we as a species lug around, alongside each and every other emotion and feeling. _Fear;_ a concept individuals commonly claim they don't have. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement and thrills of life. To forget there are such things as _consequences_ for an action. It's easy to simply say you're _fearless._ Pretending fear is something only _weak_ people withhold is a common sign and indication of people who are the **most** fearful. Fear isn't a dirty word. It's not a naughty action. In fact, it's nothing more than a simple emotion. It isn't something to be embarrassed of. You should embrace fear. It shows you're human, and even _you_ have breaking points at times. _Fear;_ it's okay to have.

Sweat pearls against the creases of Meredith's neck. Her heart is thudding like a drum on steroids, _THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP._ A fresh layer of goose decorates her pasty, freckle dusted skin. Her brain is malfunctioning as her feet are scurrying far faster than she can calculate. The echoes booming against her eardrum make her spine stiffen with _fear._ She desires her irises were only playing silly tricks, as they had been for the last four years. The wish she'd been wishing countless amounts of times had finally been cast and set upon her. _Why couldn't this be a good thing?_

His voice like butter melting on a warm batch of freshly baked bread, pulsates across her ears again. _"Wait!"_ He chants from a distance, hints of fatigue are present in the way his breaths grow to be patchy and disoriented. Meredith's brain is swimming with too many thoughts at once. Concerns of her baby girl, Annabelle-Elise flash across her mind like a neon billboard with flashing letters. _How would she explain this to Anna? How would she tell the man she slept with four years ago in a foreign country that his child is sitting directly in this building?_ There was no good answer to either of her dwindling issues. So she chose to run, running seemed to help even when it wasn't beneficial.

Meredith pushes a door open. Her head spins as if she's ridden the 'Tilt a' Whril' one too many times. Her legs ache and her muscles plead to rest. The breaths she's exerting are haggard, _she's feels like an elderly._ Bile rises to her esophagus, burning the inner flesh of her throat. She wonders if she's lost him by now, though she's not sure exactly how long it's been since she hunched over the railing of the staircase. A tiny, squeaky voice buried in the depths of her mind whimpers to continue moving forward. If she kept her voyage afloat it'd give her more time to find a hiding spot. The rest of her figure disagrees, her legs are numb and her muscles cry of rest. Meredith can feel her heart pulsating in her throat, which surely isn't a _good_ thing.

The door creeks, the hinges coinciding Meredith's rapid breaths. she nearly jumps out of her skin. His unrecognizable raven mane fills her sight. Her orbs drink him in carefully; he's almost more beautiful now than he was all those years ago. She recognizes Annabelle-Elise in him, _the blue eyes, curls, smile._ Her feet are superglued to the ground, she's unable to move no matter how hard her subconscious is demanding she should. He has her in a chokehold, his fists coiling around her neck like a vice. Figuratively, that is. She knows he is as harmless as a fly, _she remembers a lot about him._

"Meredith." A sheen of dew blankets his forehead, the crinkles against his eyes softening as he appears to be drinking _her_ in as well. The way her name rolls off his tongue is a melody she may never get tired of hearing. Meredith aches to have it on repeat, a broken record of some sort she presumes. Her lips part, they feel pasty with _guilt._ Her mind is drawing a blank, even if she secretly wants to convey a conversation. She fills the languishing tension with an awkward squawk, a sound unrecognizable to even herself. _What the hell was that?_

He chuckles, though he isn't making fun of her. He's simply lightening the tense mood. "Dr. Shepherd!" Meredith manages to hiss, craning her neck around the vicinity.

"Dr. Shepherd? If I recall, it was _Derek_ that night four years ago." Meredith takes note of the smirk threatening to breach across his cheeks. His eyes already hold the lusty expression and it's only a matter of time before that corner of his mouth ever so slightly twitching preens into a devious grin. His orbs darken to a mysterious indigo; swirls of mischief with a dash of curiosity dance along his sparking pupils. Meredith can mentally see herself getting lost in those eyes for the rest of her life, though she blows the thought into oblivion. _She doesn't even_ _ **know**_ _him._ "Now it's Dr. Shepherd." The smirk contemplating on showing dissolves and he almost seems disappointed.

They stand parallel to each other, Meredith's irises resting on Derek's. "Dr. Shepherd, we should pretend it never happened." She assures him. Perhaps playing the, 'You're my boss, not the secret baby daddy!' card could steer this bound to be awkward conversation in a different direction. She can feel the fever pricking her neck and cheeks, blush assaulting her skin as it licked flames across her flesh. Meredith ponders as to whether or not he notices the intense red hue radiating off her body.

"What never happened?" His brow furrows, his expression an unsolved jigsaw, puzzle pieces frayed out beyond belief. "You sleeping with me in Europe or you leaving me alone in the morning?" His snarky smirk presented itself again, his eyes reigniting with the same menace they withheld only moments earlier. "Because both are fond memories I've been holding on to."

Meredith doesn't remember Derek being such a smart ass all those years prior. Though, she doesn't blame him as she _barely_ knew the man to begin with. She remembers him mentioning something about a girlfriend who'd left him in the dust and Meredith wonders if he'd only truly slept with her because of his vulnerability. A dagger slices her heart in two, she doesn't _want_ the father of her precious angel to be an asshole. Meredith had a surplus of one night stands to go around. Their reasonings behind why they slept with her never deem as important, up until Derek of course. The reason he slept with her needed to be something more than the light buzz and vulnerable emotions. A child was created that evening, _a beautiful baby._ They'd convulsed the entire night, Meredith sharing secrets with him she hadn't even dared to communicate to Sadie with. "No, there will be no memories." She confesses softly, her fingertips plucking the worn hem of her white lab coat. "I'm not the girl in the bar anymore, and you're not the guy." Her belly is performing gymnast routines, similar to the ones _Katie Bryce_ mentioned earlier as Meredith lugged the bitch around the hospital for two hours. The dam in her eyes threatens to burst, she blames the sudden cauldron of emotions on her _mommy hormones,_ which Meredith chooses to blame Derek for as well.

"You took advantage of me and now you want to forget about it." He folds his arms across his chest, heaving a deep breath. "I was drunk, vulnerable, and good looking, and you took advantage."

Meredith rolls her eyes. "Okay, I was the one who was drunk." She pricks a finger in Derek's direction, wagging the digit up and down to emphasize her point. "And you are not that good looking." She balances on the heel of her tennis shoes, her toes wiggling uncontrollably against the soles.

"Four years ago, I was _very_ good looking." A snort reverberates his body, shaking his torso. Meredith aches to reply with a snide comment, damn it he's making it incredibly difficult to like him. Though his god dammed eyes make up for his jackass of a persona. Her pager shrills, clogging that silenced air. She glances downward, noting it's a '911.' Meredith pretends to be happy her pager has been a heroic partner in shifting her away from this horrific conversation.

"I have to go." Meredith quips, fumbling with the buttons plastered across her pager to shut up the damn contraption.

"We're not done with this!" She can hear Derek calling from behind, though she mentally blurs his words.

* * *

They, well whoever _they_ is, say death is the worst experience in the world. Meredith pleads to differ as she _wishes_ she were dead, rather than alive at the moment. She didn't except her 'graveyard' shift to be such a stickler, she surely didn't expect getting stuck with such a _brat_ for a patient either. Meredith desires to save a damn life, not sprint around the hospital like a frazzled cruise director. Her resident, _the nazi,_ was divulging only truth when she mentioned interns were the scum of the earth, _grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain._

Her muscles silently whispered to be rested and her limbs lay as limp jello. Her head was swimming and she was sure of the fact the growl in her stomach was louder than Katie's whining. She padded down to the tunnels, remembering a few fellow interns mentioned something about resting there. Meredith contemplated visiting Anna, _God she missed her precious angel._ Unfortunately, the girl was most likely asleep, dreaming dreams of gumdrops and fairy dust. The thought of her fingertips brushing across her baby's porcelain skin makes her heart thump in her throat. This had almost been the longest she'd ever been apart from Annabelle-Elise, besides the time she'd developed the stomach flu, and Meredith's mother stepped in to take care of a four month old Anna. _Her mother._ Meredith mentally cringed at the mere idea of Ellis Grey. If Meredith could, she'd convulse to Ellis **exactly** what she thought about her. Though it wasn't like it would do Meredith any good, her mother wouldn't even _remember_ the conversation.

Voices become louder and clarity rings against her eardrums. _"Who here has absolutely no idea what they're doing?"_ A voice chimes. Meredith is unable to unmask the mystery tone, as she'd been too consumed with a busy day to _actually_ get to know any of her other fellow interns. She figured there would be plenty of time to learn their names and bind friendships in time, _if she decided to come back._

Meredith sluggishly raises her right hand, waving slightly to the cluster, her fingers dancing a slow and repetitive wiggle. "Me." She chimes. The Asian she remembers, _Cristina Yang,_ pats the empty spot on the abandoned gurney next to her. A grunt releases itself from between Meredith's chapped lips. She's thankful for the relief on her muscles, the tension tightened like a rope around them, unwinding.

 _God she's exhausted._ Meredith wishes for nothing more than to sink down in a bubble bath, filled to the rim with lavender. She relents from the notion of shutting her eyes, knowing that would result in a coma induced slumber. "You holding up alright, Grey?" Cristina questions, snapping Meredith's attention away from the sleep.

"Oh." Her hand rubs her tired eyes. "Yeah, yeah I'm okay." She insists. It's not a complete fib, she hasn't shredded into a billion little Meredith pieces yet. Besides the fact her one night stand is now her _boss_ and the fact the patients at this hospital are a complete stick up her ass, she's holding together, even if its by nothing more than Elmer's glue and Scotch tape. "God I miss Anna." Meredith mumbles absentmindedly. Her murmured commentary seemed to be picked up by the rest of the group.

"Anna?" The blonde nursing a pink thermos of tea, clutched between her long fingers. "Who's Anna?"

"You dig girls?" The musky one with a five o'clock shadow snarls from a corner. He's a stereotypical _douchebag_ and if she were slightly more lucid, Meredith may have whipped the ever living day lights out of that guy.

Before she has a chance to reply, Meredith mentally judges the new, freshly bread surgeons. Each and every one of them belongs to their own _species_ though as a whole clot of interns, they're the minnows of the surgery sea. _"Alex!"_ Hisses the blonde, nudging a fist against his shoulder blade. He grunts, murmuring something Meredith can't quite make out back to the _Malibu_ _Barbie_ of their group. "I'm sorry, he's an asshole." She shoots a preening smile, the grin nailing Meredith in the face like a bullet.

"Its fine." Meredith sighs. Her fingertips crumple the baby blue fabric of her scrub pants, nervously twiddling at the loose hem. _Should she tell them?_ She's aware that sooner or later the secret will come out somehow, _the gossip around this hospital is a freight train of news and lies,_ but she can't help but grow timid at the idea of letting her secret spill. "Anna isn't my _girlfriend._ Trust me I screw boys like a whore on tequila." Meredith snorts, flashes of her night spent with Derek flooding her brain like a tsunami.

"You want to screw me?" The corner of Alex's left lips curls, a smirk dispersing across his stumbled complexion. Another _'Alex!'_ Floods Meredith's eardrums, her vision consumed with the sight of the blonde throwing another punch to his shoulder. "Would you stop that _Izzie_?" He sneers in her face like a lion on crack, _s_ he assumes his saliva has caked Izzie's facial features by now, considering his proximity is far closer than personal space.

"I don't really do the whole, 'get drunk and one night stand' kind of thing anymore." She knows her cheeks resemble the hue of 'Santa Claus' jacket by this point. "Anna is my, daughter." Sweat builds at her hairline, she can feel the back of her neck burning like the light of a billion suns is beating down on her bare flesh. Meredith's skeptical about her decision of telling the group. She's fearing that potentially the word of a 'baby grey' would swarm the hospital like a hornets nest and _Derek_ would become aware of the situation.

Though her worries dissolve at the warm smile spreading from ear to ear against Izzie's cheeks. "Oh my god!" She's practically jumping up and down on the opposite side of the gurney, squeals erupting like volcanoes. "A _daughter!_ I didn't know you were married!" Suddenly the anxiety she'd been forcing into the bat of acid in her stomach bubbled up into the confines of her throat, _she felt as if she could no longer breathe._ Marriage. Of course she wasn't _married._ She'd conceived an illegitimate child with the neurosurgical attending four years prior.

"I um," a lump equivalent to a grapefruit conjures in her esophagus. _What does she say?_ "I'm not married- I've never been married." The temperate in her personal bubble rises to ultimate high, _she feels suffocated._

Meredith's confession doesn't seem to phase Izzie, nor does it the rest of the crowd. George, _the doe eyed one from the intern mixer,_ smiles at her softly. "How old is she?" He seems to get that she desperately wants to change the subject and she's thankful for that.

"She'll be four in a few months." Meredith's palms smooth the creases of her scrubs in order to distract herself from the raging anxiety coiling through her veins.

"Damn Grey, I didn't expect you to be the mommy type." Cristina pipes, a smirk twitching.

She sighs, _she didn't expect_ _ **herself**_ _to be the mommy type either._ When the stick turned blue, Meredith's world toppled over. She went back and forth for months on end, deciding whether or not she would keep the baby. She wasn't a fan of abortion, adoption was at the top of her list. It wasn't until the moment Annabelle-Elise came into this world; wrinkled, pink, crying her little lungs out, that Meredith found clarity. She couldn't _depart_ from that baby girl, and she sure as hell did everything in her power to keep her. "Me neither." Meredith admits. "Anna was the product of a one night stand." She feels _dirty._ Like a fourteen year old girl who got caught sleeping with a senior. It's wrong and frowned upon though no one would dare say a damned word to her face. Instead they'd whisper behind her back like she was some kind of freak.

"Do you know who the baby daddy is?" Alex asks. That comment gets him yet another punch to the shoulder, _compliments of Izzie._

Her head lowers. She rather be in the middle of one of Annabelle's temper tantrums then answer that question. "I- no." She can't fight the facts, she already had enough guilt gnawing at her ass. "But he doesn't know about Anna, probably won't ever." the group quiets to an eerie hush, the only noises present the sounds of baseboards creaking from above.

"You're raising her all alone?" George whispers. Meredith can't find the right words to respond. A simple head nod would have to suffice in this situation. So she does just that, keeping her head low.

"She's a _really_ good little girl. Raising her alone or not, I love her. She's made my life a thousand times brighter than I could ever imagine it being. _She's_ the reason I've bettered myself. _She's_ the reason I'm not the whore who gets drunk every night and sleeps with inappropriate men. I ought to thank her one day." Meredith's lips stretch to a grin. She misses her daughter more than words could ever explain. It's at this time and moment she isn't sure this job is _right_ for her. Ellis Grey chose surgery over Meredith and because of that choice Meredith is left with all kinds of abandonment and daddy issues. She's already placed the burden of an absent father on Anna's plate, she surely isn't willing to pile on more.

They all sit in a comfortable silence, Meredith listens to the creaks and cracks of people rummaging above their heads, _saving lives._ "I can babysit for you sometime, if you need someone to." George whispers, breaking the quiet.

"Me too!" Izzie adds, cheerfully preening again.

Cristina makes a grunt, _perhaps a laugh?_ "I don't do babies, Grey." She sighs.

"Thank you, Izzie and George." Meredith replies. "And you don't have to do anything Cristina, it's my baby not your kid." She shoots he Asian a quick smile, resting her back against the wall.

* * *

She's sure she could _murder_ Derek Shepherd if she puts her mind to it. He's given an impossible task and she's beginning to wonder if it's all part of some, 'fry the interns brain to mush' mind game. How was Meredith supposed to figure out what was wrong with Katie Bryce? The girl was a mystery, none of her tears or scans indicated _anything_ actually wrong with her, besides the fact she's a brat who has an occasional seizure. In fact, one her seizures the night before almost cost Meredith her job and it gave her just another reason to _despise_ Dr. Shepherd. She doesn't remember him being such a douche back in Europe. He was sweet and charismatic. They talked all night long for Christ's sake!

She's curled up against a bookshelf, these thoughts running around her mind like bike racers on steroids. Cristina is her accomplice in helping find this girl a cure, as she made it quite clear she didn't want to scrub in anywhere near Derek.

"Are you seriously not going to tell me why you don't want to scrub in with Shepherd?" A whining tone brushes at the brim of Cristina's voice, the sound of her book closing fills the air.

Meredith's lifts her head, staring at Cristina head on. "No." she replies shortly, turning her attention back to the rugged medical journal she's nose deep in.

Her answer seems to buy Meredith some time, though it isn't sufficient enough for Cristina as she's asking _again._ "Come on Grey! Did he hurt your feelings?" She can sense the smirk on Cristina's face and she'd punch her if it wasn't for the fact Meredith was so fond of her. Cristina reminds Meredith of her mother, except she seems slightly more humane and interesting than Ellis Grey ever thought about being.

"You aren't allowed to comment or make a face." Meredith crawls over to beside Cristina, her knees pressing against her chest. "We had sex." She refrains from saying anything, though Meredith's sure she's dying to say something. The calm before the storm doesn't last as long as Meredith hopes, but her question isn't nearly as daunting as she'd expected.

"Was he any good?"

She refrains from snickering _or blushing._ She remembers vague pieces of their sexual escapade, the touching, the moaning, the broken lamp by the bedside table. Though everything is just a blurry cloud of forgotten memories. She'd been tipsy as it was, the prominent details unclear. "God damnit, what could be wrong with this girl?" She chooses to ignore the comment.

"Cause he seems like... he'd be good."

Meredith's jaw clenches. "I don't remember Cristina, it was a long time ago!" Her voice rises; she's well aware half of the library has heard the outburst. Her mommy hormones aren't in check and she's sure those are the reason her temper is spiraling out of control. "Look, I don't remember it was like four years ago."

Cristina is silent, _for once_ , she assumes she may have made her speechless. "Is he," she pauses and her expression grows serious. "The father of your _kid?_ " Meredith's stomach roils. Eating those eggs, _which in fact were crunchy,_ for breakfast was a bad idea. _Does she lie or tell the truth?_ Her subconscious is running on fumes as it was, she's not sure she could make a good judgement call.

If she tells the truth, it's over it's done. She doesn't have to worry- "No." the guilt that she'd been fighting for nearly half a decade grows substantially. "Of course not. You know what, lets just get back to this, Cristina." She's all for changing the topic of conversation. The Asian appears skeptical, but doesn't push the conversation any longer. They're suffocated by the peace and quiet. Meredith's giggle disrupting the serenity.

"What?" Cristina asks.

"You want to know what her pageant talent is?" Meredith smirks, setting the book by the shelf. She nods eagerly. "Rhythmic Gymnastics." They burst into chortles, definitely breaking the 'silent in the library' rule for sure. Meredith's abdomen clenches, she can barely catch her breath. "What is that? I don't even know how to say it." She heaves one last time, her heart pulsating back at its normal rate.

Then it hits her.

* * *

Cristina's mad. Correction, Cristina Yang looks as if she's ready to bite Meredith Grey's head off with her teeth and bare hands. Dr. Shepherd chose Meredith over Cristina. Her stomach is doing somersaults. She's tried reasoning with her, though it appears Cristina _is not_ having it. Now she's off to have a chat with doctor jackass, _great._ She's truly reconsidering this intern thing right about now.

She catches sight of a raven mane, clutching a silver razor between his fingertips. The sound of the shaver buzzing through the hospital room as he began to carve platinum blonde tresses from Katie Bryce's scalp. "She said I had to make her look _cool._ Apparently being a bald beauty queen is the worst thing to happen in the history of pageants." He chuckles, _it really is a beautiful noise._ Derek appears almost human at that moment.

"You should have picked, Dr. Yang." Meredith whispers, causing him to look up. "Did you pick me because we slept together?" The words roll easily off her tongue.

"Yes." Derek answers almost immediately. Her heart is pumping so fast she's sure it could run a marathon in under a minute. Though she notices as he stops shaving their patients head, his attention turning to her and he _looks_ at her. He appears as if he's drinking her in, peeling her layers off with his bare eye, but not in a 'in my mind you're naked right now and I'm _loving_ it' it's more along the lines of 'I'm looking into your soul' kind of thing. She can feel her heart palpitating. _Pulse pulse._

" _You_ saved this girls life, _Meredith_." She wants to say, 'last night it was _Dr. Grey_ ' though she surely doesn't want to stir any further arguments up. "Don't let the fact that we had sex, get in the way of you having your chance. You've been her doctor since the beginning."

Meredith doesn't know how she got there, or why it's happening. But she does know and is fully aware of the fact she's in the OR, watching attentively as Derek Shepherd removes Katie Bryce's aneurysm. Everything is haze, she feels _euphoric._ Perhaps she's died and gone to surgery heaven, Meredith doesn't know. The rush sifting through her veins is a magical feeling. The adrenaline pumping her heart is a wildfire she knows she'll never get tired of feeling.

Derek motions her to come closer, and her heart rate quickens. Her eyes focus in on the microscope and suddenly she can't remember any of the reasons why she wanted to quit. Meredith's body is a tingling combustion of nerves. She glances upward and Derek looks at her as if she's the only person in the whole room. Her insides are officially soggy jelly, she's surprised her legs haven't given out. His orbs are lusty and specks of glitter decorate the baby blue. Meredith doesn't know if it's the surgery high or if he's truly _looking at_ _ **her**_ _._ It isn't even important, the reasoning behind it all isn't substantial to Meredith anyhow. She doesn't care, and frankly, could go the rest of her life not giving a damn either, if it meant she got to come here and do this every single day.

A weight lifts from Meredith's chest, she's relieved Cristina's forgiven her for the surgery, though something makes her questionable as to whether or not she may get her back. It doesn't matter. She's too drunk on the surgery rush to care whether or not Cristina Yang is planning some sort of sabotage on her.

The ding of Meredith's watch breaks her thoughts and she's virtually reeled back to reality. Her shifts ended, _she gets to see Annabelle-Elise._ She's missed her baby more than words could ever explain. The last forty-eight hours have been pure _shit_ and she wishes for nothing more than a long and warm hug from her daughter. She may not have a husband or boyfriend to go home to at night, but she has Anna, and that damned little girl has _always_ been far more than enough.

Derek emerges from the door behind Meredith, his hands clutch his scrub cap, decorated in fish. She watches him fist the fabric, wandering over to the counter with charts. "That was such a high." Her voice is hoarse, her body is running on fumes.

His attention switches to Meredith, he gives her a _gorgeous_ grin. _There go her insides. Mush._ "I don't know why anyone would want to do drugs." He nods, and she knows he gets her confusing analogy. _He_ _ **gets**_ _her._ For the second time in the last two days, Derek Shepherd is an _actual_ human being. A _dreamy_ one at that. His expression is etched in sincerity and she wonders if he's showing off that smile because of the _surgery high_ or because of _her._ It's in that moment she's proud to be aware of Derek Shepherd as the father of her daughter. _Their daughter._

Meredith doesn't know when she's going to tell him. _If she's going to tell him._ She doesn't know if he's _really_ looking at her like a dog drooling over a piece of steak. _Or if it's just her imagination playing games._ She doesn't know a lot of things, but it's okay. It's okay she's in the dark about a lot of things. She's an _intern_ after all. "I um, have to do this thing." Meredith quips softly, her muscles screaming as she stood.

Derek's smile broadens, his pen clicks, and his gaze falls on her eyes. _Green on blue._ "Yeah." She's off to the daycare before any further commentary is made, she's content leaving their small chat just how it was. There were plenty of opportunities for _closure_ some other time and place. Meredith's managed to somehow lug herself off to the third floor and down the hall. _Anna, Anna, Anna._ Consumes her soupy brains thoughts. It's the thing keeping her legs from giving it out.

The little girl with the soft blue eyes catches Meredith's attention firsthand. She feels like bursting into a mess of tears though it doesn't seem appropriate for the atmosphere. "Mommy!" A melody chimes Meredith's eardrum, the most beautiful sound in this whole world is Annabelle-Elise's voice. Before she can process it all, the little girl is wrapped around Meredith like gift wrap on a present. Meredith's nose brushes against Anna's golden hair, _she smells of baby shampoo and lavender,_ squeezing the little girls body like a vice.

"Hi baby girl." She murmurs, kissing her freckle covered skin consecutively. Meredith's aching to cuddle up in bed with her baby all night long and do nothing more than hold her. Surgery may have been a high for her, though Annabelle-Elise is forever Meredith's drug. _A really good drug._

Meredith doesn't know if she can be a surgeon and a mother. As mentioned earlier, she doesn't know a lot of things. Although, she's sure as hell going to try and figure it all out.

* * *

 **Authors Note:**

 **I'm a terrible updater, I know. I've been so consumed as of lately with other things, that I never truly found the time to write. But nonetheless it is finally here and I can mentally scratch working on this off my checklist!**

 **I know I said I wasn't going to follow the story through like the show, and I still mean that! But I felt that the first episode was far too iconic to not throw in bits and pieces. Don't get too attached to this because it's more likely than less not going to happen again. I don't have the time to go and watch every episode one by one and I find it annoying when authors practically rewrite episodes into their chapters. I enjoy original things but I know other people have different tastes and such.**

 **Opinions on the chapter? I'm not going to lie I've been writing this auto pilot and I still feel like it's just not as beautiful as I could have done. I semi regret making Meredith and Derek's meeting just as it was in the show ): though I'm not sure any other way I would have done it. I'm a little depressed there was no Annabelle-Elise, because I for one love her (and I'm the one writing it) though I can guarantee she'll be making a plentiful appearance next chapter. Also, I promise I will give Derek a better story line and he'll have lines that aren't just from the show, I wouldn't do that to you all. I'm not sure he's ever going to have a POV but either way he'll be far more interesting.**

 **Please remember to comment and favorite or whatever you all do, those inspire me to keep going. I'm impressed with how popular this story has gotten already and that warms my heart. Also, if you're reading "Let's talk about sex baby" I promise I'm working on a chapter, so don't forget about it! I love you all and thank you for reading this chapter!**


	4. If We Were a Movie 4

_Chapter 4 | If We Were a Movie_

"Mommy!" The melody of Annabelle's small and fragile voice echoed through the drafty house. Her sounds bouncing from wall to wall, floor board, to floor board. For the most part, Meredith relishes the ambrosia of her daughters tune. Though as of this current moment, there would be nothing more satisfying than to mute the sounds vibrating against her eardrums.

Her head rises from the wooden dining table, her brain is nothing more than a lump of gooey mush at this point, and her limbs are screaming for a brief rest, _or perhaps a long one._ She knew this internship could potentially be the death of her, though somehow Meredith had managed to convince herself she could maintain a toddler and a career with no hassle. **Wrong**. Meredith's feet shuffle against the scuffed hardwood of her mothers rustic home, her toes rubbing against the scratches and dents. She has approximately forty seconds to literally turn her frown upside down. Even if the last several weeks had been absolute _hell_ for her, it wasn't fair to Anna for her mother's sour attitude to ruin her day as well.

 _Thump, plop, thump,_ her feet trudge the staircase, transitioning to a shuffle down the main corridor. _"Mommy!"_ Another cry for help beams from the master bathroom, a plead hinting this one. Meredith's fingers curl around the knob, twisting as the hinges of the brown wooden door creek with distress. Her eyes spot a cluster of golden hair sprouting from the corner, most likely indicating her daughter be clad on the porcelain thrown. Meredith's heart swarms with happiness the moment her gaze falls on her daughter. Her pull-up lays in crumpled heap below her dangling feet, her legs swing back and forth repetitively. Anna's hand clutches the bunched material of her purple nightgown, giving her a clear view of the girls belly button.

Meredith grins, crouching parallel to her daughter. "What's wrong, baby?" Her hand reaches to touch Anna's knee, the pads of her fingertips brushing the soft skin. Her petite nose scrunches, the light freckles dusting her flesh morphing and mushing together as one, almost as if she were questioning why Meredith even needed to be _asking_ what the issue may be.

"Mommy," she huffs softly. "I can't 'weach the potty paper!" As a demonstration, Anna's arm extends to her far left, wiggling and straining as far as the small limb could possibly go. A red hue decorates the girls cheeks, tiny grunts coming from between her lips. Meredith knows letting her daughter struggle is more than menacing, though she can't seem to care as watching the scene before her eyes unravel, perhaps has to be the most wonderful thing she'd had the pleasure of viewing in the last couple of weeks.

Meredith's giggle fills the hollow bathroom, her hand now teaching for the toilet paper. "Let me help, love-bug." She offers softly. Her fingers extend right to the roll of _Charmen,_ bunching a bundle of pillow soft toilet paper in her hands. Meredith settles the newly formed clot of paper into her daughters tiny palms, brushing back loose strands of untamable gold tresses. Her lips press to the girls forehead, lingering for a moment or two. "When you're done meet me by the sink and we can wash your hands, okay?"

Annabelle-Elise nods slowly, finishing her _business_ quickly. The pound of small patters fill Meredith's ear drum, the swoosh of the toilet rumbling alongside. Meredith curls her fingers around the platinum knob, the faucet comes to life as water gushes against the basin. She fiddles with the contraption momentarily, adjusting the temperature of the water to a warm.

"All done mommy!" Anna presses her hand to Meredith's calve, gripping the material of her jeans between her small and stubby fingers. Meredith bends down to lift the toddler to the white porcelain sink, allowing the girl to cleanse the filth away from her sticky thee-year old hands.

Anna's hands circle their way around Meredith's neck as she places her arm under her daughters tush, securing the small girl to her hip. "You're such a big girl now, Anna. Using the potty all on your own." Meredith teases lightly, strolling from the hall bathroom to Anna's bedroom down the corridor. In truth, Meredith's more than euphoric at the thought of her daughter no longer needing diaper changes, however it doesn't eclipse the fact she feels hollow knowing Anna truly is getting bigger. Of course, she's no where near leaving the _nest_ anytime soon in particular, yet it's a cruel kick to the gut knowing Annabelle-Elise may be her one and only child.

Meredith remembers her youth as an only child. The memories of the lonesome nights were painful to relive at times. Sitting in that big, dark recliner while she gazes through the window, gazing intricately at every vehicle passing through the street, in hopes that her mother may actually be returning home early that night. It's just another reason to pile onto the mental sticky noted list in her brain as to why this internship may be a bad idea for the time being. The mere notion of Anna having a neglectful childhood as she'd endured herself made her stomach twist and knot like a pretzel performing a gymnast routine. Her daughter deserved _better_ than she had.

She exerts a haggard breath, her head is pounding so hard Meredith's sure a marching band is conducting itself somewhere in the depths of her cranium. She's far too fatigued and strained to conduct thoughts any longer, so she decides to place a pin in the 'I'm going to be just like my mother' ideas.

"Mommy?" Anna's soft tone reels Meredith back to reality instantly. Her eyes narrow at her daughter, her favorite stuffed doll crushed to her petite chest and a book dangling from her fingertips. "Can we 'wead tis please?" Anna pads closer to Meredith's proximity, tilting her head upward to plead with her bright indigo orbs.

She's aware of the time, she's even more aware of the dull ache in her head pleading with Meredith to rest. Yet, somehow, she can't find the strength to deny Anna's request. In the last couple of weeks she'd spent the most amount of time away from her daughter than she had in the entire span of her life. Her heart is constricting for the curly, honey-blonde headed girl standing parallel to her. How is she supposed to say no to those big bright eyes? The irises she'd so helplessly inherited from her estranged father. _The one Meredith was still in denial about knowing._

"Of course, baby." Meredith grins tiredly, reaching for the girls tiny hand before heading to her small bed.

* * *

The frigid fall air tickles the ball of Meredith's nose. A gust of wind slams the apples of her cheeks and she's completely sure a slew of cuss words would have spilled from between her lips if it hadn't been for the little girl resting her head against Meredith's shoulder blade. _5:20._ It was exactly _5:20 AM_ and she was quite possibly on the brink of collapsing into a puddle. _Stupid hospital. Stupid internship. Stupid, stupid stupid!_ Her conscience consecutively uttered its mantra.

Slumber the previous night had been out of the question once Annabelle-Elise had climbed her way into Meredith's bed in the middle of the night. She adored that little girl with every inch of her heart, though there were specific times Meredith wished to secretly strangle her. She'd kicked, tugged, and slobbered on almost every inch of Meredith's figure the night before. Meredith mentally contemplated how her body was even managing to maneuver properly at this point in time as to be truthful she hadn't received a proper rest in a whiles time. She wasn't sure how much longer she could continue cranking out fumes without falling unconscious.

"It's cold." Anna mumbled against the crook of Meredith's neck, nuzzling the crown of her golden tresses into the flesh of her neck. Meredith felt as if she could be in the running for _'Worst Mother of the Year'_ award in that moment. What kind of a person wakes their sleeping toddler at five o'clock in the morning to yank her from her warm bed and sweet dreams? _Meredith Grey_ of course. Her free arm squeezes Anna securely, her hand _(failing mostly)_ stroking the small of her spine.

A swishing noise pricks Meredith's eardrums as a warmth blankets she and Annabelle-Elise. "I know, you'll be all warm and toasty in a few minutes love-bug." She murmurs to the toddler, craning her neck to catch a glance at Anna nodding in response, filling the small 'O' she'd created with her rosy lips with her thumb.

The fragrance of sterile supplies and medicine intoxicates Meredith's nostrils, she sighs at the familiar scent while continuing her stroll down to the elevators. She mindlessly glares at her surroundings, mentally locking the images of family members patiently waiting for the news of their loved ones, fatigued residents and interns charting, and a few attending's who most likely had been on-call from the previous evening drinking their caffeinated beverages in order to rejuvenate themselves for a long day ahead. She's drawn from the trance of individuals as she bumps into something foreign. _Or someone._

"Oh god, I'm sorry." Meredith's body stiffens as her brain registers who's voice is convulsing with her. Her stomach is somersaulting as panic feverishly eclipses every inch of her body. In the last couple of weeks she'd been here, Meredith had made it quite clear she wanted nothing more with Der- er Dr. Shepherd than a work relationship. In truth, if it wasn't for the fact he was her boss or that Annabelle-Elise was his secret illegitimate child, she most certainly would have jumped at the multiple opportunities he'd thrown her way, _he had thrown a plentiful._

Meredith lifts her head, the image of dark, unruly curls and sparkling blue eyes filling her vision completely. He'd been handsome the night she met him four year prior, though somehow he'd managed to evolve into something even sexier. The man resembled fine wine for sure. "Oh, um, it's fine." She stutters awkwardly, an uncomfortable smile stretching across Meredith's cheeks. It isn't until that moment she realizes he's dressed in street clothing, something she had not yet observed since bumping into him a month ago. Though his long, black trench coat is eclipsing the better portion of his frame, she can see the subtle hue of his maroon t-shirt and dark wash jeans behind the opening of his jacket.

 _Damn he looks good._ Meredith's conscience notes. _Stop! Communicating with 'McDreamy' is a bad, bad idea!_ "And who is this cutie pie?" His voice draws her back to the situation at hand. She hadn't planned on he still being here, much less acknowledging the little girl safely tucked in Meredith's hold. Her heart tightens. She'd hoped Derek would never even know Anna existed and yet she'd somehow managed to screw that notion up as well.

Her mouth opens though nothing intelligent releases. She can't disperse words or appropriate thoughts. Her brain is on overdrive and suddenly the autopilot she'd so helplessly been relying on since the beginning of this encounter had failed her miserably. She teeters whether she should lie or not. It wasn't like Anna was fully conscious to confirm it being the truth or not. She can't lie though. No matter how much she wishes to, it wouldn't be fair to any of them. Perhaps she won't have to come clean over who's the _baby daddy_ though she can confirm this little girl is indeed her own flesh and blood.

"This is, Anna," Meredith pauses and runs a hand through the toddlers soft and bouncy curls. "My daughter." His expression doesn't indicate that he's judging her which is a complete relief in all honesty. Derek simply shoots her a smile, a warm and gentle one, the one that gave her a 'sitting by the fire on a cold winter evening' vibe.

"She's _precious._ " Derek whispers, realizing Anna was fast asleep. "I didn't know _you_ had a daughter." He continues the conversation, keeping his longing glance on her daughter.

 _'Yeah and you're her father! So I guess that makes you a daddy?'_ Meredith internally snorts at the comment her subconscious wildly created. Instead she opts for a simpler response. "A lot of people don't." Meredith shrugs and glances back at Anna.

"I didn't know you were _married_ either."

Meredith feels as if a lump is blocking her airways, making it difficult for her to produce oxygen. _Married._ He thinks she's _married._ Though she can't blame the man, why wouldn't she be married? She has a _child._ _ **His child**_ _._ She stiffens in her current spot, the grip she has on Anna, tightening ever so slightly. "Oh um, I'm not." Her free hand flails wildly, like her fingers are having a sugar induced high. "I'm not _married._ "

Derek nods slowly, as if he's taking a few moments to process her answer. _What on earth is going on in his head right now?_ She feels a tinge of desire to ask, though this conversation has already swam further into the deep end then she intended. His mouth partially opens, his lips separating an inch before they smack shut like a chain is yanking it closed.

"It's just Anna and I." Meredith intervenes before he has the chance to question anything else.

Derek runs his free hand through the raven mane sprouting from his scalp. Another _dreamy_ smile conjures against the apples of his cheeks and her insides feel like mushy clot of jello. "She's very cute." He repeats an earlier statement though it doesn't loose its meaning nonetheless.

"Thanks." Her lips twitches to the left, forming a sly grin. They stand in utter silence _-despite the shuffles and mumbles of other individuals in the proximity-_ yet it isn't awkward. It's comfortable and somewhat _soothing._ Meredith can vividly remember _his_ look. **That look** , the exact one he's shooting her in that moment. The look he gave her after their rendezvous four years prior. _Her heart clenches._

"I should get Anna to the daycare if I don't want to be late for pre-rounds." She's good at interrupting those almost _perfect_ moments. In her defense, Meredith is an avoider. It's what she does best and she's more than ready to dodge the rest of this encounter. He nods, stepping aside to give her an escape path for the elevator. Tears threaten to escape the rim of Meredith's eyelid. _Why is she crying?_ She'd been living with the fact Derek Shepherd didn't know he had a daughter for almost four years now. It had never struck a nerve then, why now?

 _She knows why._ As stubborn and hard headed Meredith wants to be, she doesn't deny the truth. The facts are facts and even after a months time of coexisting in the hospital with Derek, she knows this moment had been the one she ached to avoid for so long. Meredith prays Anna doesn't wake from her slumber to catch a glimpse of salty tears sliding down her clammy cheeks. Just another conversation she didn't want to deal with.

The elevator is empty as she trails over the threshold, and even if she isn't a single bit religious, she thanks a silent prayer to whoever may be up there in the sky. Perhaps if she avoids Derek for the day, it'll distract her from the problem she's currently digging her way out of.

Yeah, _avoid_ him.

* * *

Charts. Meredith Grey despises charting. It only took her a few days to figure out that the Attending's and most Residents in this joint practically use interns as their personal slaves to finish the crap they're too lazy to complete on their own. Her day usually consists of scut, suturing, and charting. The only O.R time Meredith had received was that one aneurysm with the infamous pageant queen, Katie Bryce. Dr. Shepherd had chosen her as his intern of choice to be in that operating room. _Derek._ She's still fuzzy on whether or not he chose her for some kind of odd reconciliation or if he actually thought she'd benefit most from scrubbing in on the surgery.

She decides to shove the thought aside because what's another issue added to her never ending list of avoidances?

Her pen scribbles along the paper of her chart consistently, blue ink slathering along the neat lines and filling empty boxes. She's put her attention into the task at hand completely. So when the unidentified hand presses to her shoulder, she lets out a yelp in fear.

"What the fu-" Meredith stops mid sentence when her eyes meet a shimmering sparkle of lustful indigo. A lump the side of Texas wedges in her esophagus as her brain registers who was touching her. _Derek._ Her cheeks are burning like a kettle on the stove, she nearly dropped an 'F' bomb on the head of neurosurgery. _The father of her child._

An amused smirk accentuates his expression, coinciding nicely with the naughty swirls of desire in his irises. He'd pestered her a few times before about going out on a date of some kind. She'd she made it crystal clear that she had no interest. Well she had _interest._ But not enough to risk her job and child's wellbeing.

"Did I scare you?" Derek asks. A hint of sarcasm and annoying asshole swirls against his tone. She wants to rolls her eyes at him, is he always this jerk-y?

"No, I shake and almost scream out swear words because I find joy in doing so." Even if he's the head of Neurosurgery, it doesn't mean he's allowed to walk her over.

Though he chuckles and somehow she's noticed his jackass tone has drifted. "Hmm, I wouldn't deny you on the shaking and screaming."

She feels almost stupid as she doesn't understand what he's getting at directly. He's making a _porny_ joke. In the middle of the nurses station, Dr. Derek Shepherd decides to reference something naughty and porny to Meredith. She can feel the fever of embarrassment scorching the freckles of her skin. If he's referencing their night of dirty sex four years ago then it makes the situation _that_ much worse. "Oh wouldn't you know." Meredith scoffs lightly.

"Oh, I would." He's leant in close, the feeling of his breath brushes the inside of her ear. She smells a mixture of coffee and some kind of mint toothpaste exiting his mouth. The fragrance of his cologne and aftershave is what makes chills creep down her spine. As ludicrous as it may sound, she remembers the scent. Catching the same whiff of his smell back in that bar in Europe. _This is inappropriate_ , her subconscious scolds repetitively. Meredith's sure subordinates are lurking, glancing, whispering about the extremely close contact between she and Derek. "You have a nice _scream_." He adds just before pulling away.

Derek has managed to cross the exact line she forbidden him to the first day she came to this damn hospital. That morning he'd been caring and sweet, serenity filling his eyes. Why had he needed to ruin a good thing? He's a man that's why. All men did the same thing. Meredith bites her tongue in order to refrain herself from uttering something she may regret. Is he like this with all his coworkers? Or was it just her considering they had a hookup in Europe? She doesn't know and frankly, Meredith doesn't care either. _Well perhaps she cares a little._

"I have charts to deliver." Meredith exerts, pressing the mountain of papers to her small chest, enveloping her arms around them.

"Need some assistance?" Derek walks shortly behind her, she knows he's there because she can hear the squawk of his shoes against the floor. She doesn't answer yet somehow maybe silence was the worst commentary at that moment. Her finger reaches for the triangle facing upward when she reaches the elevator.

"Seattle has ferryboats." Derek states bluntly.

Meredith's brow scrunches, of course Seattle has ferryboats, was he unaware? "Yes." She replies, wondering if he put that out and into the open to see if she'd actually respond. His porny, jackass tone seems to be farther than Neptune now and it calms Meredith's nerves slightly.

"I've been living here six weeks and I never knew their were ferryboats. Now I have to like it here. I'm from New York, genetically programmed to dislike anywhere besides Manhattan. The elevator rings, the doors squeak, and somehow Meredith finds herself in a confined space with Derek Shepherd. _Alone._ "I have a thing for ferryboats." His tone is rich and smooth. Are these supposed to be a foreign pickup line?

Her head snaps backward in a flash, staring him dead in the eye. "I didn't know you were from New York." She says softly.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me." The mood as changed significantly, rearing to a stern and serious manner from the semi playful one wafting only moments earlier. What did he mean by that? Her heart pounds to the hum of the elevator. She fights the urge to look away, yet somehow her irises are still very much indeed glued to him.

"I'm not going out with you." Meredith blurts. She's not sure if that was the route he'd been taking her down with the whole 'you don't me' thing. She assumed he meant, 'go on a date with me to learn more!' Kind of a deal. The grimace across his facial features determines her answer. _She'd definitely said the wrong thing._

Derek steps closer, suddenly Meredith can no longer breathe. "Did I ask you to go out with me?" He whispers to her, gazing into her eyes as if looking anywhere else would deteriorate his whole life. "Do you want to go out with me?" Two questions pondering in the air, practically strangling Meredith by the neck for an answer. No, she didn't want to go out with him. She _couldn't_ go out with him. Even if his smile made her insides gooey and his oh so good looks made her girl parts scream with desire, it wasn't doable or attainable. She had too much riding on her coattails.

"There's a line. There is a big line." Meredith hiccups softly. Her back is to the wall of the elevator, the cold metal ball seeping through the material of her lab coat and scrubs, tickling her spine. The silence in the cabin of the elevator makes her skin crawl with anxiety. She can hear the soft heaves of his breath.

"So," Derek begins. His finger traces her jawline slowly, intricately touching ever pore and crevice of her porcelain skin. The intoxicating fragrance of _him_ comes washing back, reviving the faint memory she'd kept in her mind. "this line, is it imaginary? Or do I have to get you a marker?" The tip of his nose brushes her. Perspiration is gathering at the back of her neck. She feels claustrophobic, though not in a _bad_ way. Meredith would take being claustrophobic every minute of her life if it meant he'd keep doing what he was doing to her.

No, she couldn't let _this_ happen. This wasn't a thing and it could never be a thing anyways. _Stop_ her conscience screams though her body ignores the pleads. What would one little kiss hurt? His pillow soft lips brush hers, soft and delicate swirls in a blender alongside lust and desire. Their mouths mingle slowly, experimenting, _savoring._ The experience is an undeniable one, Meredith knows that much. His tongue brushes her hesitantly, as if he's worried she'll repel him if he dives in deeper.

Their lip lock isn't rushed, yet it's intense. An indescribable feeling Meredith can't compensate for the life of her. Derek's hand creeps to the small of her back, fingers pressing into her spine carefully. She gasps, and the feel of his prominent erection brushing her belly. Suddenly her mind has drifted to something _porny_ and flashes of her incredible night with him beaming like lighting strikes in the sky. Derek's kiss deepens, his tongue exploring her cavern intricately. He's doing all of the right things, touching all the right things. Almost as if he remembers the things that made her purr that night.

Her stomach flutters. Her heart tightens. The moment is one of perfection, the moments that appear in unrealistic sappy love story movies. Meredith doesn't want it to stop, but visions of Anna continue pop up like wack-a-mole continuously and suddenly she's nauseous.

"I can't." Meredith whimpers, pushing her hands against his chest. She feels the rapid thump of his hear against her palm. Her eyes divert to the noticeable boner accommodating his appearance and her cheeks redden.

"Meredith-"

"It's Dr. Grey. And you're Dr. Shepherd. This is how it has to be okay? I'm not going to be known as the intern who slept with the Attending, I _won't._ " Derek's expression looks as if she'd run his puppy over or eaten his entire birthday cake or whatever. He looks _damaged_ in that moment and it almost makes her want to take back every word she uttered. That is until the elevator doors glide open, a gust of air greets them.

Meredith hurries away before he can manage a word. Hot tears prick her eyes. _Why is she crying?_ Her thoughts advert to Annabelle-Elise once more and suddenly she knows why she's on the verge of a mental breakdown. The father of her baby girl is here. The man she'd hooked up with and ended up spilling her guts to for an entire night. The man she thought she'd never see again once that pregnancy became positive.

Yet he's here. He's here working beside her. Kissing her. Complimenting her child. _Their child._ In a perfect world, he'd be the love of her life and they'd be a happy little family. Though they weren't living in a movie and this was no fairytale. That notion would haunt her for the rest of her life. Eat her alive until the day she dies. And somehow, the tears only fall harder coming the hard realization that eventually, this secrecy will come crumbling down like a tower of blocks.

Meredith wishes life wasn't this complicated.

* * *

 **Ah! It's been so long and I honestly don't even have a valid excuse. Perhaps it's because I just don't find the time to sit down and write. I've felt a surge of inspiration this week and writing this chapter was really fun for me, I really enjoyed how it turned out.**

 **Derek met Annabelle-Elise! What did you think? Yes I realize she wasn't completely conscience during the meeting, yet he and Meredith chatted? Don't worry, Derek will be seeing a lot more of Anna in the future, so get excited!**

 **What did you think of the elevator scene? I kind of decided to recreate the original Shonda wrote. I thought the original wasn't fitting for this story and besides, this is my story to tell so why rewrite something?**

 **I hope this chapter was worth the incredibly long wait. I promise it won't take me nearly this long next time and I'll be better with updates. Comments and favorites really inspire me to continue writing so please, please, give me your feedback!**

 **Love you all!**


	5. Collapsing 5

_Collapsing | chapter 5_

The lines decorating the chart paper is a slew of blurred and incoherent words to the eyes of Meredith Grey. She feels as if her body has been fuming on autopilot for the last couple days or so. Her figure is sore and the sharp pains continue to remind her every few moments or so with a throb, jolting through every inch of skin held captive against Meredith's skin. Her hand trails along her oil slicked tresses for the fourth time in the last fifteen minutes she'd been finishing charts.

An interns work is truly never _finished._ Someone had once convulsed that very sentence to her a while back and in moments such as these, she's beginning to come the realization of what they meant. Meredith's rather _exhausted_ of being used and prodded like a foul vermin. Dr. Bailey surely hadn't been joking around while executing the fact that interns really were at the bottom of this surgical food chain. Most days, Meredith found herself lucky to even be sitting in an O.R. gallery, much less being inside of the operating room where the real magic is induced.

She's contemplated more than a thousand times to _quit._ The job gave her nothing more than a stick up her asshole. Why had Meredith desired to be a surgeon? There was nothing promising about it, other than the fact merely glimpsing at a surgery gave her a high no drug could possibly compare to. Yet, somehow her daughter gave Meredith the exact same feeling and that job was far more enticing than her current duties.

Though, it was **definitely** Derek Shepherd waltzing around the halls of Seattle Grace like nobody's business, easing Meredith Grey toward the exit of the building most days. He'd kissed the ever living daylights right out of her and in an elevator to top it all off. Somedays, she yearned so desperately to be able to release her truth. To admit to that man he was indeed a father to the most beautiful little girl in the world. Since starting work at the hospital, she began to notice intricate details and attributes Annabelle-Elise and Derek shared. It was so much more than a few similar facial features.

Meredith was well aware that Derek deserved to know about his daughter. Though life was so much more complicated than utterly blurting such a confession to a man she'd undoubtedly shut out for reasons he'd yet to understand. In some alternate reality, she knows they'd be a perfect family. The kind who lives in the suburbs with pristine white picket fences and a spotted Dalmatian. Besides the picture skew, true love would certainly lie beneath the perfect exterior. It's silly, in some circumstances Meredith wishes to believe she conjures these wild imaginative's because she so undoubtedly desires a father for Anna.

Though in those little moments Derek steals her attention with his _look,_ she wonders if the feelings she stuffs into the depths of her soul are real.

Relief washes Meredith over like a wave destroying a beach front sand castle. She's desperate for a scolding shower and the comfort of her bed. At least she's been rewarded with next seventy-two hours off. An excuse to lounge in bed all day and more so to erase all remaining memories of Derek Shepherd flaunting around brain like a cluster of howling monkeys. Sure, the clean slate would only last a measly three days. But it was enough to provide her with a piece of a mind.

The black inked pen clunks against the counter top of the nurses station. Her ears prick at the noise or the plastic rolling back and forth, deciding whether it's going to fall or stay. Yet she doesn't bother to stop the writing utensil manually.

"Dr. Grey!" The sound of her name makes Meredith internally cringe. The man behind the tone is what arose the layer of goose coating her milky white flesh. Her cheeks burn like a furnace and she feels flustered. Her feet are glued to the speckled flooring and she can't find the strength to pry them away. A hand curls around the bone of her shoulder, fingertips pressing into the material of her baby blue scrubs. She's almost a hundred percent certain this gesture wasn't meant as a romantic one, though in her hazy, sleep deprived mindset, she enjoys to pretend for a simple moment.

Meredith exerts a huff, twisting her torso around to meet two bright oceans of lust and mystery. The mans eye color is so simple yet so enticing, she finds it hard not to get herself lost in them. "I'm officially off-call." She replies hurriedly.

Derek's tongue slips across his lower lip and his expression softens almost instantly. His demeanor shifts to an extent, as if he _understood_ how inexplicably fatigued she were at the moment. "Sorry." He begins. "I can um, have O'Malley check up on this patient." Derek's hand disappears into the raven mane sprouting from his scalp. Meredith remembers doing such that years prior. The man had a _delicious_ head of hair.

"You can't attend to it, Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith's tone is a humorous one. She's completely aware of the fact that as an attending, he has more important things to attend to rather than playing nurse to his post operative patient. Even if things had been rather rocky between she and her secret baby daddy since the _magical_ kiss in the elevator, she jokes with him. In some sick, twisted way, it provides her comfort. _He_ is her security blanket.

A rich chuckle releases from between his lips. "I'm off-call as well, Dr. Grey. I deserve to head home every once in a while too, don't I?" His head tilts to the left and he shoots her a rather dreamy smirk. A grin that most certainly turns her intestines to clots of pure mush and warmth.

She mimics his smirk however Meredith wonders if hers is even a fourth as effective on him as his is to her. "I suppose so." His eyes twinkle like a night sky and her prior apprehensions are confirmed. A silence bounces between the two, though it isn't uncomfortable. It's soothing and it's the moments such as these Meredith aches for nothing more than to have this man as her own. She's completely sure whoever the hell is up there in the sky despises her to a certain extent. In a perfect universe she could have Derek Shepherd without a single issue. Life was certainly a bitch at times.

She disrupts the quiet with the clearing of her throat. "I better get going before Bailey hunts me down for another suture or rectal exam." A light chortle exerts from Meredith.

"Yeah, you better." Before she knows it, Derek's turned the corner and has departed down the corridor.

Meredith's heart thumps. It's _silly_ though this time she doesn't ignore it. She doesn't pretend it isn't present. She feels rather empty without Derek Shepherd making her giggle.

* * *

The engine of Meredith's car coincided with the similar noise of a garbage truck, crushing every bit of trash and remains like a shoe to a fly. A groan escaped her cavern and a snarly cuss brushed underneath her breath. Out of all days her vehicle or as Meredith enjoyed putting _'Old beat up piece of shit'_ decided to reward her with malfunction. Her cheeks scorched against the Seattle heat and the sun blitzed against her oil slicked skin through the windshield of her lavender Jeep.

Tears brimmed the waterline of her emerald orbs. The last couple of days had been purely hell and this was most certainly the cherry on top of her lop sided sundae. _At least Anna isn't here to endure this_ Meredith's conscious thought. If her little girl didn't have to cope with her mothers struggles, it brought Meredith the slightest bit of closure.

The pads of her fingertips grip the worn leather of her steering wheel, brushing along the ripped and frayed edges of the dark interior. Her forehead rests against the top of the wheel as hot and shushed tears trickle down her freckled cheeks. Ultimately she's found her breaking point. _Was this what the rest of her life was going to be like?_ Sure, she was aware her internship wouldn't last an eternity but that didn't mean the hard part would vanish once it was done. The excruciating hours, labor, and time away from her pride and joy -Anna- wasn't so appealing anymore. As much as Meredith hadn't wanted to admit it to herself, having her daughter definitely changed the perspective of the way her life should be going. While nose deep in medical school, it hadn't dawned on a twenty-two year old Meredith she'd be birthing an illegitimate child.

Her dam was beginning to crack and water began to seep through.

The tap at her window drew Meredith away from the silent sobs against the steering wheel. _"Fuck."_ Meredith hissed quietly, brushing the steamy tears away from her eyes. Whoever the hell has decided to invade her personal internal breaking moment was going to feel wrath indefinitely. Green clashes with blue as she lifted her heavy head. A breath caught itself between her esophagus and suddenly she couldn't produce oxygen.

 _Derek._

Meredith didn't know whether she should be angry with him or thankful he showed up. She's sure she's be knee deep in a full breakdown at this point and she sure as hell wasn't looking forward in getting into that. Her tongue drags along her lower chapped lip, temporarily removing the dry and brittle feel of her mouth.

"Meredith." Derek's tone is muffled through the barrier of her car cabin.

A squawk bursts as the door unlocks and opens. She gazes up at him with a pitiful expression, one that gives off the impression she's worn down and completely out of fight. "What do you want?" Meredith's tone is rugged, decorated with brittle and dry cracks.

He blinks a few times, perhaps developing the right thing to divulge to her at this state. His lips part slowly and he throws in his infamous head tilt. "I um, was walking to my car and I noticed you were crying. Plus I saw smoke exerting from the hood of your car and I assumed you were having some technical difficulties." Derek adds a light laugh to potentially lighten the dreary mood. It doesn't seem breach an effect on Meredith this time, though she wishes it had. "I just wanted to make sure you were _okay._ "

Chills trail down her spine like a freight train on steroids. He'd been concerned of her well being, something Meredith was unfamiliar with. No one had ever confessed a concern for Meredith Grey throughout her lifetime, not even her Alzheimer's ridden mother back when she was lucid enough to at least recognize her own daughters face. The simple sentence sent her into a whirl of disbelief. On a regular day, one where her health was in tip top shape and her mind wasn't a complete sopping pile of mush, she'd analyzed this to the brim. Wondering whether or not he was sincere or if he'd only commented to provide pity for the single mother intern.

Though today was a special circumstance. A day where she so desperately _needed_ a knight in shining whatever to lift her up off the ground.

"Well I'm **not** okay." _I'm always fine._ "In fact I'm **awful**. I've been on call for the last two nights with minimal rest. I feel like my immune system is personally attacking me. My head is pounding. I haven't showered in days. I'm gross and icky. And on top of it all I haven't seen my daughter in two days, which makes me the worst mother in the entire world!" Her teeth sink into her lip, bearing into the flesh to avoid another emotional escapade.

Derek's hand brushes against Meredith's jean clad knee, stroking soothingly in circles with the pad of his thumb. With everything piling on top of her, this action seems to calm her rather quickly. A weight lifts from her shoulders.

"Let me take you home." His tone rich velvet. This man could soothe _anything._

"N-No." Meredith shakes her head left and right hurriedly. "I can't ask you to do that and it wouldn't be professional."

Derek chuckles and his grip on her knee tightens slightly. His thumb and forefinger latch onto the flesh underneath her chin, lifting her head so that their eyes meet in a swirl of lust. "I'm pretty sure we've surpassed the professional line a while back." He adds with a wink. In any other circumstance she may have giggled at his playful gesture. Yet, she's run out of fumes a while back and doesn't find the strength to acknowledge it.

Meredith's orbs shift to the covering of her vehicle, taking note of the runny head liner and dark splotches accenting the fabric of her roof. The smoke wafting from under the hood brushes her nostrils and she shivers at the fragrance. She's leaning toward succumbing to Derek's notion. How horribly terrible could a single fifteen minute car drive be?

"Fine." Meredith sniffles, brushing the stray tears stained to the apples of her cheeks. The Jeep creaks as her weight lifts from the drivers seat. Her fingers claw at the worn bag resting over the console and before she knows it, she's trailing down the hospital parking lot to Derek's Land Rover.

A sigh of relief dissolves against the air as her tush graces the leather seat of Derek's car. Meredith's arms reach above her head, stretching like a kitten before nap time. Her lips smack together, once, twice. At least now she won't have to keep focus on the bustling highway in order to make it home safely. She feels halfway lucid momentarily, her mind is hazy and rather clogged with visions of her large bed and pillow. The imagery of a steamy shower sneaks itself in as well. Those factors combine distract Meredith from the sound of drivers seat door slamming closed. Or even the rawr of the engine bursting with life. She's travelled to some other land and it's a helping hand at steeling her attention away from Derek Shepherd.

"Meredith?" Her lids flutter sluggishly. They're heavy and it's almost as if a glob or Elmer's glue rimmed the water line of her eyes, making it difficult to open them. Had she fallen asleep? Her surroundings have drastically changed since she last glanced out the windshield. Her brain is slow to process _exactly_ where is. A vague interpretation stuffs her hollow cranium and it would have to be acceptable for now.

"Huh?" She hadn't quite caught what he'd been asking.

"I don't know where you live." Derek's reply is soft. Meredith can hear the smile in his tone and her insides twist like a pretzel.

She adjusts her posture from the frowning banana she'd been sporting, leaning back against the car seat. "Oh right." Meredith says, gripping the arm rest. "613 Harper Lane. It's not far just take a right at the next stop light and it should be on your left." Derek nods but doesn't offer an oral reply, not that she's bothered by it.

The ride is quiet other than the distant hum of the radio radiating from the speakers of car cabin. _What was that? The Clash?_ As well as a few cars speeding down the streets, obviously surpassing the speed limit by at least twenty. In truth, Meredith almost forgets Derek is even there. In revelation, he's become known as an overly chatty man. One who continues speaking even after a conversation has been dismissed. The silence exerting is definitely new and furthermore _strange._

"What does this mean?" Derek breaks the seemingly every lasting silence with a question that indeed catches Meredith off guard.

She shuffles her head toward the left, gazing hazily at the raven hair covered man. "You driving me home?"

Meredith takes not of the way his thumb fidgets over the worn kneecap of his threadbare jeans. He's practically a road sign, flashing indications of nervousness and uncertainty. "Never mind." He brushes the topic off rather abruptly. What the hell was his deal?

"No, _what_ is it?" Meredith prods. She isn't normally a nosy person, much less a pushy human being. She respects others space and personal business just as she'd hope they do for her. Though this was _Derek._ She'd grown well aware of the fact that if he isn't willing to share, something is definitely wrong.

He sighs and she can't identify what kind it is. _Relived? Angry? Upset? Confused?_ "Everything." Meredith's stomach lurches. "What do _we_ mean Meredith?"

"I don't want to get into this now." She interrupts, shifting her stare to the blurred greenery plastered outside the car window. Her day had indefinitely been pure shit, why did he have to add to the mile high list of why she was _oh so over_ life right now?

"Meredith-"

"I said I didn't want to get into this, Derek!" Her tone rises in anger. Blotchy heat scratches her face and neck. Her gut clenches and she finds herself flustered to no end with this man. Her patience is limited and anger coils internally like a screw. _Twist, twist._

The annoyance is more than noticeable on Derek's expression. He mumbles something incoherent and Meredith assumes he's commenting something vulgar about her beneath his breath. However, too proud or chivalrous to formally admit whatever the hell he's thinking to her. He's just _that_ guy and she can't help but admit it's exactly who he is. "Alright." Derek's response is rather dry and lacks any emotion. Given, it was one word though that's enough to interpret the message he needed to get across. Perhaps 'Alright' in Derek's book was code for 'You're a bitch Meredith Grey.' _Just too proud to admit it._

Meredith's lids fall victim to her fatigue and mental exhaustion. She's tired and so **done** with today. Her mind strays and all lucidness runs to the opposite direction.

* * *

 _Pancakes._ It was the first and foremost coherent thought she'd had since coming to consciousness. Meredith's nose twitches at the heady scent of syrup and batter. Her eyes open to nearly slits and she clumsily grips cool sheets between her fingers. Her actions resemble somewhat of a newborn, unskilled and unfamiliar to her surroundings. The vicinity is dark and the only form of light scurrying inward from underneath the door. Her hand slaps against the bedside table awkwardly, maneuvering around almost as gracefully as a walrus in heels.

She's almost completely certain she's in her bedroom though she doesn't remember trudging up the stairs to her bed. Her fingers find the switch of her lamp and brightness comes to life in of an eye. Meredith scans the room, her clothes in a heap by the end of the bed, her bag sloppily placed on top of the dresser, and she finally comes to the realization she's been dressed in her oversized Dartmouth sweater panties and nothing else. _What the hell happened?_ She's thankful for the fact that her head no longer feels as if someone had a taken a hammer to it consecutively, though it doesn't unclog the confusion lodged into her mental bathtub drain.

Sluggishly, her legs swerve over the side of the mattress, toes carefully dipping downward to the hardwood floors. Goosebumps layer her skin as icy cold rivets through her body like a lightning bolt.

Meredith stands, though it's rather uncoordinated. Her stomach growled and filled the silence clustering the bedroom. She couldn't remember the last time she'd stuffed her belly nor did she know how long she'd been knocked out. The fragrance of fluffy goodness wasn't helping matters either and rumbling only digressed into larger, more defined noises as she clamored for a pair of wool socks.

Someway or another, she'd managed to fumble down the staircase as the muffled voices exerting from the kitchen drew her in the way a moth does to light. Her brain was cotton and her limbs were jello. It wasn't the 'I'm so wiped I might faint' type of incoherency, but the 'I've had the best nap and I need to recuperate' kind. Meredith stumbled across the threshold and is immediately blessed with the sight of her daughter sitting on top of the counter. Her long golden tresses fall evenly down her back the way Niagara flows. Her giggle is infectious as the sound pricks Meredith's ear drum, drawing a quirky smile across her lips.

 _"You're awake."_ A rich, handsome tone drew her in from the fantasy Kane of Annabelle's curly locks. She snapped her neck toward the left and nearly let a gasp leave her cavern. The image of Derek Shepherd whisking a batch of pancake mix was prominent to the naked eye. He'd been dusted by flour, some splotching against his raven curls, others coating the collar of his black tee. Derek stared at her the way a bear gawks at dinner. She felt rather exposed and more naked than she had when they'd consummated their nonexistent relationship.

Her hands trailed along her forearm slowly, a precaution and protective source of comfort. Memories of him bringing her home were a tsunami to the brain and her temples pounded as information swarmed. Her belly churned and she was confident a puddle of vomit would be splattered across the kitchen floor if her stomach hadn't been so empty.

"Um, yeah." Meredith's voice cracked. Her throat was sandpaper and the Sahara desert in a blender. "How long have I been sleeping?" Her fingers splay across her dry lids, digging the sticky gunk built up between her water line and cornea away.

Derek smirks and redirects his attention to the what she assumes is a golden pancake sizzling in the frying pan. _Spat, spat._ His orbs twinkle as light from the over head shines across his face. He seems more enlightened than he had been on their dreary ride here. "I'd say about six hours, but I haven't been monitoring the time frequently." He adds in a snort and glances up to meet Meredith in a quick yet intense eye lock.

Her organs knot and chest tightens like a screw. He'd been in her house for a whole six hours? That was virtually a fourth of a day and furthermore been with **her** daughter without **her** knowledge. I retrospect, Anna was his daughter just as much as it was hers, though he wasn't aware of that. "Where's Izzie?" She blurts without filter. She'd left Izzie Stevens, a girl she'd met and made semi friends with in her intern group, to watch over Annabelle while she worked. Meredith hadn't wanted to send Anna back to the daycare for another day. It wasn't worth punishing her daughter for her own job. The fact the Barbie blonde had left Anna in the care of Derek Shepherd without confirming it with her first made her blood curdle in anger.

"I sent her home once we got here." He answers. Meredith scoffs mentally, as if watching the toddler was a job worked in shifts. "She seemed pretty wiped, though I can't blame her. Anna here is quite the entertainer." Derek scrunches his crooked, yet rather sexy, nose in her daughters direction.

Anna giggles, and shifts her head toward Meredith. "Mommy, tis' is mister brain man." She nods her small head to the spot Derek's body has temporarily claimed as its own. To a certain degree, Meredith finds her daughters introduction rather adorable. As if she hadn't known this man before he waltzed into her home.

"We've met, sweetheart." She pads across the kitchen to the counter where her daughter was absentmindedly swinging her stubby legs back and forth. She notes the flour eclipsing the girl like a snowstorm to a small village and she can't contain the chortle exerting itself from between her lips. "Have you and _Mister Brain Man_ had a war with the flour?"

Derek chuckles distantly behind Meredith, the sound of his laughter sending a chill down her spine. Her nails thump against the wooden countertop as she awaits a response from either her giggling daughter or tight lipped baby daddy standing isolated by the end of the island.

"We might have gotten a tad bit making the pancakes." Derek pipes up. Meredith shoots him a glance and she notices the blush licking flames across his neck and cheeks.

"Uh huh." Meredith says, reverting attention back to Anna. "Hm, well how about you head upstairs to the bathroom and wait for mommy to start a bath?" Meredith's fingers grip the little girls sides and she grunts before setting the toddler down.

"Okay, mommy!" Anna dashes out the kitchen so fast it almost makes Meredith's head spin in circles. The sound of soft patters fill the silent house while Anna makes her way up the staircase.

The kitchen secludes Derek and Meredith together, forcefully trapping them together. Derek's spatula plunks against the countertop and he twists the knob of the stove off. "Thank you for watching, Anna." Her lip twitches, not quite a grin but close nonetheless. Derek wouldn't have been her first choice to keep an eye over her three year old, though he seems to have fulfilled Anna's wishes and made her somewhat happy. Something that makes Meredith's heart twist in despair. _He'd make an excellent father._

"It's not a problem. You'd fallen asleep in the car and I didn't have the heart to wake up." His eyes divert to the floor. "I actually carried you in and changed your clothes." His tone was hesitant.

"I don't mind, _thank you._ " Meredith steps closer.

Silence suffocates the room, wrapping them the way a bow does to a Christmas present. "I'm sorry about earlier. I hadn't meant to upset you I just." He pauses. "I just want to know where I stand with you, Meredith. I get it. I get it that you're scared about getting into trouble with the chief or you're nervous everyone else will find out. I get that, I really do. But you can't sit here and pretend you don't feel something for me. Not when I catch you giving me those certain glances and you're shoving your tongue down my throat in an elevator. I think of you as so much more than the woman I had sex with in Europe four years ago. I know it's scary Meredith, I get that. Life is fucking scary but if you don't jump off the cliff and just go for it, you won't ever live." His thumb brushes the warm and supple flesh of her cheek. Perspiration builds at the back of her neck, heat creeping upward. "And if your apprehensions have anything to do with the fact you have a daughter, I want you to know I quite like Anna very much."

Derek's tone was heady and raw with emotion. Almost as if a switch had flipped and he's transformed from utterly joking to completely sincere. His words clouded Meredith's brain like a thick fog. She couldn't complete thoughts or make rational decisions at this point. He'd casted his wicked spell on her again and the moment was all too familiar.

Their lips met a sweet and gentle collision. Derek's hands cupped Meredith's cheeks and his tongue danced alongside her own. The kiss was slightly different than the erotic one they'd shared a week earlier. This one was soft and had a mountain of emotion behind it. She'd let every wall built collapse the moment Derek's lips locked to hers. Perhaps this wasn't the smartest decision she'd made, but hell she could worry her ass off later.

This man was truly a knight in shining whatever and Meredith would let herself get lost in his whirl of magic for as long as possible.

* * *

 **Oh look who's finally updated! I feel like one of the worst updates right now and my excuses are particularly lame but true! School has certainly been a pain in my ass with exams galore. Also my writers block has been awful. I have the ideas all laid out but the words just don't seem to find their way on the screen.**

 **Though that doesn't matter right now because I updated! I promise the updates will become more frequent once summer begins in two weeks, I'm so done with school and work right now I could potentially burst!**

 **What were your thoughts on this chapter? Ugh I don't even know my own feelings on it. In reality it could have been better possibly but then again I don't know what I would add. I decided to leave it at a curious cliff hanger rather then a sad and depressing one as it's the way I usually approach. This chapter was kind of a way to show that Derek would be in this relationship for more than just a few simple 'fucks'. What would you enjoy for next chapter or later in this story? I'd enjoy knowing what YOU want to happen next.**

 **Please, please, please! Give me some feedback. The lack of reviews and favorites totally declines my inspiration to continue writing and yes I understand how petty and annoying that sounds but these chapters truly take so much time and effort some feedback would be greatly appreciated!**

 **Also, I was thinking of getting a beta though I'm not quite sure how it works. If you write and have one or have had one perhaps you could personally message me and let know how it all works? I haven't officially checked over everything in this chapter so any mistakes are truly me and my laziness.**

 **Again thank you all for being so patient with me I know it's been a while since I've updated any of my stories but perhaps this will make up for the lack? Future chapters will be so much better I promise and that goes for my other fanfics as well. Remember to give feedback! Thank you all so much you're amazing!**


	6. Coloring 6

**Look at me keeping my promises!**

 **I absolutely love this chapter! It's one my favorites and I think it's soo much better written than my last. I think you'll all love it, especially the ending though I won't spoil too much!**

 **I re-wrote a scene from one of my favorite movies in the history of movies in this chapter. If you can guess what movie it's from then a million gold stars for you!**

 **Remember to give me your thoughts after reading! Enough of my rambling, here's chapter six!**

* * *

 _Chapter 6 | Coloring_

Happy individuals had always managed to irk Meredith Grey's ever lasting nerve. The mere sight of a smile caused her gut to coil in disgust. Why was it fair for others to flaunt their exuberance around like a neon billboard in front of those who lacked that radiant sunshine? She oozes in ambrosia while around Annabelle, one hundred percent. That little girl has proven to be an the long lost elixir her life so desperately desired. She proved to be the literal light at the end of the tunnel for Meredith. Albeit, she couldn't remember a time in her life happiness exerted from something other than her own flesh and blood.

Until now of course.

The perky grin etched across her plum pricked cheeks was undeniable. She'd been lying against the plush cotton candy surface of cloud nine for a slew of days. _He_ had kissed her. Correction; _Derek_ blew her out of the fucking water. A lip lock so enticing it had successfully given her a drunk-y, sated grabble not even the sour, amber liquid of a tequila shot could. She feels similar to the way light cracks through a thick fog on a stormy day.

Deep down, she's well aware succumbing to Derek's enchanting 'sweep her off her feet' approach isn't the most well thought out decision she'd made in a lifetime of wrongs and flaws. Meredith had placed her career as well as her daughter in a whirl of jeopardy and she _knew_ this clear as day. But it doesn't deny the actuality that she's relishing living in a somewhat perfect, drunk-y limbo, surfing the waves that are escorting her down a highway to heaven. The pile of issues the kisses have caused is an overflowing basket of laundry she's yet to fall victim to. Though, it has to be folded and put away at some point or else she may as well be swimming in unfolded, crumpled problems.

She decides to push it aside for now. At the bare minimum she can bask in the limelight of her exotic dream for a little while before the metaphorical mountain collapses and she's left to glue the pieces back together. Even if doing so is with merely tape and some of Annabelle's Elmer's glue-stick.

Her purple crayon forms a zigzag across the printed lion against the paper. It's her lunch hour and she decided to pay her daughter a visit, even if that meant she'd be trading in a meal for cartoon animals plastered across a coloring booklet. To Meredith's surprise, Cristina asked to come with her. Over the few months she's been a surgical intern it was no secret she'd buddied up with Cristina. They weren't the inseparable, overbearingly, annoying best friends who painted each other's nails and shared gossip, well give or take a few on the gossip portion. Albeit, they were friends, _good_ friends in fact.

So of course it had thrown Meredith obscured when the Asian pleaded to join in on three year-old conversations over juice boxes and nap time.

 _"Come on Mere! The Nazi has been riding my tail all day, having me perform rectal exams and sutures in the pit. I can't stick my finger up another fat-asses asshole another time!"_

Those had been the intricate and rather detailed words Cristina provided when asking for a tag along. She figured Cristina was intelligent enough to come to the realization Bailey could just as easily page her when she needed her and that the hospitals daycare wasn't a blockage to the outside world. Nonetheless, Meredith agreed and the three sat in a disoriented triangle across a puzzle pieced carpet. Cristina had mumbled perhaps two sentences to Anna since arriving, one being the joint looked high on dope due to its colorful assortment of hues. Internally Meredith was laughing. Her exterior carried a different tune when explaining to Anna if she ever repeated the word _dope,_ she'd experience a nice and long play date with the time out chair and perhaps be indulging on a bar of soap for dinner.

"What's with you?" Cristina breaks the comfortable silence wafting between the trifecta. The question makes her insides tingle and her organs feel much like fondue; gooey and warm. She tries her best to keep a solid poker face even though she truthfully doesn't give a single shit if anyone knew the reasoning behind why her smile is the equivalent to a kilowatt lightbulb.

Meredith lifts her head from the unconventional lavender lion she's been adding an excessive amount of 'character' to for the half hour. "What do you mean?" Her coloring utensil absentmindedly falls against the carpet they're all sitting on. Her face contorts whilst her brow scrunches in faux confusion.

She's quick to notice the way Cristina rolls her eyes as if she really _did_ know what the hell was making her grin like Annabelle after eating an entire bowl of chocolate chip cookie batter. "The smile. The idiotic grin that keeps popping up across your face like a jack in the box."

"I can't be happy?" Meredith's left brow raises slightly. Her 'idiotic' grin morphs to a rather subtle smirk to compliment the snarky remark she'd thrown Cristina. "What's wrong with smiling? There's nothing wrong with smiling. Right, Anna?"

The young girls head lifts rapidly and her golden curls bounce in tune with her rapid lift. Those cerulean orbs pierce against Meredith's for a split second. Each one shining brighter than a million scorching suns. They simply glitter with life and it's an attribute she'd picked up from her estranged father. _Derek._ "I love smiling, mommy!" Anna grins at Meredith, giving a front row view of every single one of her baby teeth. "Smiling is a 'weally good ting'!"

Her heart flutters as she listens to her daughters speech impediments. It also constricts as she realizes Anna grows like weeds on steroids and she won't be so little anymore one day. It's a solid and true fact that makes the mommy in Meredith ache for her womb to not be empty for the rest of her life. It's also a factor that makes her want to vomit the truth all over Derek. However, she's sure he'll never forgive her for keeping such a big secret and the perfect family her wild imagination has conjured will cease to exist.

"Smiling is fine. But the way you're smiling you might as well be singing and dancing along with it." Cristina tilts her head to the left slightly. She squints her eyes at Meredith before blowing up to the size of saucers. "Meredith Grey, did you have sex?!"

In an interesting role reversal, it's Meredith's turn for her eyes to bug out. Over the course of the last three years, Meredith had tried her best to steer Annabelle away from concepts and topics that weren't particularly appropriate for a three year old girl. Though, she can't pretend it's gone stupendously well. She'd slipped up a few times, throwing a swear word here and there after breaking a glass or stubbing a toe. If her daughter wasn't such an intelligent and fast learner, she may have not gotten so parental on Cristina in that moment. But when it comes to Anna, there is no filter to keep her from popping questions like an erupting volcano.

"Cristina!" Meredith hisses. She can spot Anna idly focusing on her unicorn drawing, which in fact looks more like a rainbow spewed it's guts out onto the paper. "Language!" Her eyes pivot to her daughters general direction, hoping her friend received the message she was trying to convey.

Cristina acquits a sigh, an annoyed one at that. Children aren't her thing and it's easier to receive that message than it is to spot the difference between night and day. She too has a limited to no filter at all so any little thing that may pop into her head spills similar to the way Anna spills her juice almost every morning. "Oh right, the kid." She takes a pause, twisting her head from left to right almost as if she's in search of something.

Anna glances up at Meredith, though doesn't say anything. Relief washes her over the way a warm bubble bath soothes her frayed nerves after an extensive shift at the hospital. Simply, Meredith's long fingers run through the thick forest of gold sprouting from her daughters scalp. The pads of her fingers stroking across the silky, luscious locks. Yet another gift granted to the young girl from her father.

"Fine, did you _color,_ Meredith?" In the few moments she'd spent enticed by her daughters hair, she'd almost forgotten Cristina was still sitting across from her. She shakes her head a little and blinks. The only coherent term she'd picked up on was _color_ but what the hell did scribbling in a children's notebook have to do with anything of the conversation topic?

"Excuse me?" She quips lightly. Her grip on Anna's hair dilutes once her daughter reverts to her primary goal of filling in the remaining white splotches of her unicorn picture.

Cristina grunts and mimics Meredith's earlier eye directory, though she's still rather clueless. However, it's the exact moment she plucks a rosy pink from the scattered pile across the carpet and shoves it through a makeshift finger hole in her hand that Meredith can understand what her friend meant by _color._

"You know, Mere," this time a dark green falls victim to Cristina's clutches. " _Color._ Have you colored any good pictures lately?"

She can feel the breath of a fire husk across her neck and cheeks. She'd barely went to third base with Derek besides the mind blowing sex they'd endured whilst conceiving Anna. Cristina knew about the one night she'd shared with Derek, though didn't know the intimate specifics or the fact that she'd been spending extracurricular time with him outside the hospitals vicinity. Albeit it doesn't diminish the heat brimming through her veins. The mere notion of _coloring_ with Derek Shepherd again has her core dripping a burning molten lava.

"No." Meredith stretches her arms above her head. "I haven't _colored_ with anyone, Cristina." She hopes the expression flashing across her facial features is a message enough to convey the point she's so desperately trying to get across. With any other man, she'd happily oblige to spilling the dirty details of her romantic life. Not that she'd ever had any _true_ intimate partners other than the drunken one night stands she'd picked up in musty bars before having Anna. Yet, it's Derek Shepherd. Who isn't only the secret baby daddy to her daughter but her _Attending_ her _boss._ All of the interns boss at that.

Meredith's sure Cristina wouldn't care even if she'd screwed Derek like a rabbit on drugs, though the other interns may not be too peachy keen about it. "Oh come on. There are different ways to _color_ ya' know. I mean have you lightly doodled a few pictures or have you painted a mural?" The conniving smirk stretching across Cristina's face indicated she was enjoying torturing Meredith.

"Maybe a doodle or two." She wasn't sure what exactly 'doodles' were code for. She hoped they fell somewhere between light pecks and heavy make-outs. At least that's where she figured she stood with Derek on the whole "kissing but not dating thing."

Cristina smirked, almost as if a way to announce to the universe she'd caught Meredith in a mischievous lie. Although in actuality she hadn't _lied_ at all. Well she'd lied. She had **definitely** lied. Just not to Cristina in this case.

"Ooh!" Anna shrieks with delight, clapping her small hands together similar to the way the energizer bunny bangs his drum. "Mommy, I wanna see your colorings!" If Cristina yelling the word 'sex' in the middle of the daycare hadn't made with her crimson with embarrassment, that comment certainly did. It was almost laughable considering her daughter may fall blind if she ever witnessed Meredith _painting a mural_ one day. Perhaps the glorious piece of art be made with _Derek._ In her own little fantasy land that is.

Meredith giggles and watches a Cristina tries her best not to join in on the sick, twisted laughter. "You know what Anna?" Meredith strokes the velvet of Annabelle-Elise's skin with the pad of her thumb. She'd developed her mothers freckles which in fact were displayed proudly across her daughters cheeks. "The most beautiful piece of artwork I've ever made, was you." She realizes how corny her response was, definitely 2005 romantic comedy cheesy. Meredith's sure Cristina will give her a run for her money later on when the environment is a little more adult friendly.

But it seems to satisfy her little girl. The twinkle in her eyes shining brighter than they normally do before she absentmindedly returns to her drawing. Though it's true, corny or not.

She and Derek painted one hell of a masterpiece _together._

* * *

Her sopping hair slaps against her forehead for the umpteenth time. She can clearly hear Annabelle's sobs from inside the cabin of her Jeep or better known as the worn out piece of shit. The rain is falling so hard she can barely stand upright. She'd forgotten her rain jacket as well as her umbrella back at the house this morning and she assumes it's whoever the hell is up there in the skies way of throwing her some karma. The exuberant, funny faced smile decorating her face the majority of the day was long gone and since been replaced by an expression that her three year old might say 'looks a bad word' and she herself wouldn't deny it.

The engine inside her car was making gurgling noises that sounded vaguely similar to the way a garbage truck smashes trash which already was in fact a bad sign. Her tire had fallen victim as well to her bad karma and she felt mortally screwed all together. Meredith Grey didn't know how to change tires or fix junky car engines. She was a goddamn surgeon _-surgeon in training that is-_ not a flipping mechanic! She was in desperate need of new transportation but her budget currently wasn't cutting it. She'd have the car serviced and fixed though she worries it may cost more than the Jeep itself is worth.

So she stands alone in the pouring rain, morphing into a makeshift mechanic for the time being. Her temper is a bubbling cauldron of annoyance and she's sure anything else willing to test her nerves will be the the thing that spills her over. Though, collapsing to a runny puddle sounds more enjoyable than her current task. With the screaming toddler and the billowing rainstorm, sloshing to a wet puddle sounds pretty damn good.

 _"MOMMY!"_ Anna's screams are muddled through the car door.

Meredith groaned, a heavy, dark groan that resembled somewhat of a bears growl. She was tired and miserable standing alone out in the rain. Her foot kicked at the flat, lifeless tire circles around the worn hubcaps of her vehicle. She whispered a streak of colorful curse words at the inanimate object. The Jeep couldn't reply and Meredith most certainly knew that better than anyone, but it was a nice coping mechanism for the time being. The wrench in her hands collided with the soaked concrete as she hurdled it out of her grasp.

Bright and shiny Meredith could only last so long, she thought. Meredith _wasn't_ a happy person. Not the kind who prances around the halls with a quirky grin on her face because almost everything in her life was simultaneously perfection. The metaphorical mountain of unfolded laundry was began to topple over in a downward spiral. She'd been too late to clean the mess on her own and now she'd be forced to tape and glue it back together piece by piece.

Or so she assumed.

The hand curled around her shoulder sent chills down her spine. In any other vicinity she'd be scared shitless and immediately whip the pepper spray attached to her key ring out to whoever dared to touch her unknowingly. Albeit, the fragrance of _Old Spice_ and _Calvin Klein_ intoxicated her airway and suddenly she knew exactly who'd been _daring_ enough to grasp her unknowingly.

Meredith's heart pulsed rapidly as her irises permeated at the sight of Derek Shepherd. A few lone curls drooped across his forehead, an immediate aftermath from the rain she presumes. A rather large black umbrella hovers above his head, shielding his body from the storms wrath.

 _"He'd been smart."_ Meredith's subconscious says, reminding her of the fact she'd been _dumb_ and forgot the proper essentials for a rainy day.

"Car troubles, again?" A cynical smirk accentuates his facial features. A smirk that in deed screams 'hmm shoulda gotten that car fixed while you could've' and it does make her want to punch him in the face consecutively. Or jump him here in the parking lot and have him hump her against the pole to there far right. Either way, she'd end up satisfied and happy customer.

"Oh no!" She roars, taking a step closer. "Of course not. I _love_ standing out in the pouring rain, listening to my daughter scream and cry every second reminding me of how horrible of a mother I am, while I become my own makeshift mechanic and change my shitty Jeeps tire! I _relish_ it!"

Perhaps she'd been rather harsh with him. In retrospect, none of this was his fault, the engine, the wheel, the rain, the screaming _-okay perhaps that one had a little something to do with him-_ but for the most part, he'd done virtually nothing. Relenting her anger on him seemed so much easier than dealing with everything like a mature adult. She knows she could have hobbled back inside and asked around like a hobo or something to help her with a tire and shitty car engine. But she'd been stubborn as a mule and decided the best thing for her was to do it on her _own._ Why did she have to be so flipping independent? Maybe it was because she'd practically raised herself for an entire lifetime and independent was the only thing she knew how to do.

Derek doesn't utter a single word, though he does move. In fact moves closer to her. Next to her. His umbrella hovered over she and Derek like a helicopter. Protecting her from the raging wind and rain. _He_ was protecting her. The simple gestures such as these were the ones that made her have even the tiniest glimmers of hope for a perfect family in the back of her mind. Given, she'd never known what a fully functional family looked like, but she sure as hell hoped it was somewhat like this. Somewhat like having the man she loved protect her from life's evil menacing. Even a simple rainstorm.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you." Meredith whispered, glancing up at him with sad eyes. Derek's gaze locks in hers and she never wants to let it go. His eyes are dancing with life and it reminds her of the way Anna's had earlier that day when she'd told her she was a masterpiece.

"I like when you yell." The right corner of his lip turns upward. "More yelling I say."

Meredith shoves his arm with her fist and they share a half hearted laugh with one another. For a moment, he's virtually gotten rid of the ugly rain, the car troubles, or even Anna's screaming. "How about you let me take you home again." Derek adds.

"I don't..." her sentence deflates as a piercing scream shoots from the car cabin. She has not an ounce of willpower left within and succumbing to Derek Shepherd once more doesn't seem like the most awful idea in the world. Meredith simply nods and a major rush of dejavu washes over her from the last time he'd been her knight in shining whatever.

Derek offered to get Annabelle out of her car seat while she carry the diaper bag and booster seat herself. She gazes while Derek scoops her daughter _-their daughter-_ from the vehicle and suddenly she can't breathe anymore. A lump the size of a grapefruit clogs her airway. Her heart constricts. Her chest tightens at the picturesque painted parallel to her.

Anna's head is nestled against the flesh of Derek's neck. Her hair a mess, flailing every which way the wind has decided to voyage it. Dried tears rest against the apples of her cheeks, Derek's fingers brushing the remains away. He's whispering something to her though the howling wind makes it rather difficult to hear the intimate conversation he's having with her, not that she's doing very much talking of her own. Anna's thumb is securely positioned inside the cavern of her mouth as her sparkling eyes flutter shut.

Meredith watches the sight unravel like a spool of yarn, slowly then all at once. She'd seen Derek watching Annabelle that night she'd been rather under the weather and it warmed her heart to find they got along so easily. However, she'd never truly seen him put forth his _dad_ skills as he was doing now. The way his left arm was firmly placed underneath Anna's little tush and his right cradling her skull.

This was a true masterpiece. One that topped every single artwork she'd ever had the pleasure viewing.

* * *

The fire sparked and prickled in tune with the harmony of the rain pattering against the windowpane. The red wine permeating her glass sloshed as she took a swig. A flannel blanket lay across her lap and her head pressed to the back of the couch.

After agreeing to letting Derek rescue she and Annabelle-Elise, she'd offered for him to stay over if he desired to. Of course he _desired_ to. Lucky for the both of them, the strain Anna had placed on her lungs in the car earlier wore her out and she was out like a light after being buckled into the backseat of Derek's Porsche Cayenne.

She lay alone on the couch in her living room, waiting patiently for Derek to return from upstairs. He'd offered to take Anna to bed while she dried off and cleaned up. Meredith obliged to his agreement, though not without whispering her good nights and I love you's to the little girl. A part of her was rather anxious for his return. He'd been up there a while and God only knows what the hell he could have found. Besides the fact he most certainly was rummaging through her personal belongings, the last time they'd been alone he'd kissed her into a frenzy of delirious happiness.

Not that she'd be complaining if he offered to do it again.

The rickety stairs creek as footsteps clammer down them. Her heart can rest momentarily as she knows he's finally entered her presence once more. Meredith twists her head and watches as a mane of dark curls comes forth and she can't demolish the smile growing against her cheeks once he's plopped next to her.

"Was she giving you any trouble?" Meredith questions, referring to the extended length of time he'd spent upstairs.

Derek shakes his head slowly, leaning back on the sofa. He casually slips an arm across the backrest which is a vague interpretation of placing his arm around her. Which in fact gives Meredith heart palpitations. "No, but she did wake up." Suddenly he's the one with a goofy, drunk-y smile. "I changed her into a purple night gown-"

"The one with the unicorns on it." Meredith blushes as she realizes she's interrupted him. "It's her favorite." How the hell did he know?

"Oh." He grins softly and maneuvers himself closer to Meredith's figure. This time his arm does circle around Meredith's shoulders and he squeezes the juncture where her neck meets her shoulder. "And she asked me to tell her a story. Apparently she can't fall asleep without a good story told." The light from the fire illuminates his irises. They're two glittering stars dancing a constellation. He looks _extra_ kissable in this moment.

Meredith forgets about the arm across her or the fact that positioned so close in proximity she may as well be sitting on his lap. She's been intoxicated by his orbs and she never wants to get out of the spell he's cast upon her. "What book did you read?" Her hand idly brushes across his jean clad knee.

"I made up my own story." He adjusts himself. He winds up closer. "A tale about a prince named Derek and a princess named Meredith who met in a far away kingdom. They immediately had a strong connection with one another, instantly drawn like magnets." His tone dropped an octave or so. A fresh layer of goose coats her skin. Her heart is a marching band on drugs. "Prince Derek thought Meredith Grey was the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on. He wanted her, _needed_ her. Princess Meredith felt the same for him as well. So prince Derek took Princess Meredith by the hand and brought her back to his castle, in which he _made love_ to her all night long."

Meredith gulps. Her nose brushes against the ball of Derek's. He tucks a loose strand of hair behind her hair slowly, never taking his gaze off of her. He's giving a look at that screams 'in my head I'm stripping you naked and I _like_ it' and it makes Meredith feel more exposed than she'd ever been in her whole life. "You did _not_ say that to Anna." Or at least she hopes he hadn't.

Derek gives her a kilowatt grin. She can vividly feel her troubles diminishing at the sight of his perfect smile. "So maybe I skipped over the _lovemaking_ portion of our meeting." He winks at her.

Meredith is internally screaming at the top of her lungs. What Meredith had assumed the hook up with Derek was nothing more than a simple _fuck._ It was just plain old sex even if said sex produced a gorgeous little girl. He'd referred to their mating as _making love._ Something entirely different than the image she'd conjured in her head. Perhaps he found the term the same as sex or even fucking though _lovemaking_ definitely set a different image askew in Meredith's mental cavity.

The setting drawn in Meredith's brain were two lovers, laying skin to skin under a blanket parallel to a burning fire on a winter day. A couple dedicated to a committed, loving relationship to one another. They weren't _humping_ or simply _scratching an itch._ They were simply confessing their love to one another without a single word.

Meredith wouldn't mind _making love_ to Derek Shepherd.

"We shouldn't be here, like this." Meredith whispers. Her resolve crashes down on top of her like a pile of bricks and every reason they should be pulling away strikes her like a bolt of lightning.

But she doesn't pull away. Not even an inch.

"I like you, Meredith." His index finger traces a slow line underneath her chin. "And not just because we had sex in Europe. Or because I kissed you in an elevator and in your kitchen. I like you because I can take a single glimpse at you and suddenly my heart isn't beating anymore. Because your laugh makes my day a million times brighter. I like you because you're honest. I like you because you're beautiful and your eyes are enticing. I know you think me liking you is going to disrupt your career or your relationship with your daughter. But if it's any consolation, I _love_ Annabelle. I think she's just as great as you are." His lips rub against the flesh of Meredith's softly, though he seems hesitant to kiss her without consent. Yet, how does he expect her to form a coherent response considering he's gotten her higher than a kite without a single ounce of morphine or any narcotic for that matter.

"I want you to jump with me, Meredith Grey. I know it's scary, I'm scared shitless. But I want to be scared, I want to be scared, Meredith. I _need_ to be scared with you right by my side. Please."

Meredith can't remember one time _anyone_ had confessed such a strong yearn for her throughout her entire lifespan. Perhaps the guy she'd lost her virginity to at the sophomore winter formal, though the most she remembers from that had been waking up the next morning, sobbing as she ripped a used condom off her leg. She'd been left alone then too. So it was settled, Derek Shepherd had been the first living human being to legitimately _want_ Meredith Grey. It was a complexing grabble at bay, something she'd never fully experienced before. Even if their relationship somewhat resembled a distorted version of Romeo and Juliet -without the suicide- and their relationship was somewhat _forbidden,_ it didn't deteriorate the feeling it gave her in all.

Meredith doesn't reply with words, though they do say actions have always spoken louder than any combination to words can. Instead she straddles his lap, grabbing him by the face, and reels him in for a mind altering kiss. This one reminds her of the few kisses they've shared, yet the meaning behind it was a combustion of new and developed emotions.

Their tongues dance a tango with one another, a tug of war presumes as they push and pull. In the back of Meredith's mind she _knows_ this is wrong. She has too much riding on the line to be spit swapping with the estranged baby daddy and head of neuro at Seattle Grace. Sleeping with him again would only add a new batch of unsorted clothing to her mental laundry basket.

However, the moment her back touches the the plush couch cushions she loses every ounce of willpower her body holds. The feeling of his hand caressing her thigh is a riveting one as he pushes her leg farther up his torso. His lips are on a scavenger hunt across her neck and collarbone, she assumes he's rediscovering. Her mind is cottony and the only thing she truly understands is how _good_ his cavern feels against her jugular.

Perhaps living in limbo a little while long wouldn't be such a horrible thing after all.

* * *

 **Look at me publishing two chapters wishing a weeks span! I've had a lot of inspiration lately, especially for this story and I even wrote a longer chapter than normal!**

 **I really loved the chapter personally and I hope you all can guess what movie I stole the Meredith and Cristina scene out of (; !**

 **What were your thoughts on this chapter? Do you think Meredith and Derek had some fickle frackle or Meredith came to her senses? Please let me know! I got a tone of reviews for this chapter on and they totally inspired me to write! See reviews are helpful! Plus you all know I'm a review whore.**

 **This authors note is rather short but I don't have much else to say! Love you all and thank you for reading, favoring, reviewing and anything else you did!**


	7. Drunk on You or Tequila 7

_Chapter 7 | Drunk on You or Tequila_

The intense sunlight radiates through tiny slits of the blinds cascading over the large window positioned parallel from the bed. The glow is a sharp contrast against the darkened vicinity and a rather _nice_ change of scenery from the 'oh so predictable' stormy weather of Seattle. The familiar sound of even breaths prick at Meredith's eardrums. Warm out takes of oxygen pulsing across the flesh of her neck, causing the hairs lining her skin to stand up still. An arm is securely, though rather loosely, draped across her hip. The limb is almost keeping her imprisoned in her own bed, though she's not sure she completely minds it, besides the fact her bladder is screeching at her internally to be relieved.

She chooses the latter, coming to the decision that her permeated bladder could keep tight for a couple minutes longer. She listens as Derek grunts. He mumbles something incoherent as he's lost in another world of dreams. His frame shifts ever so slightly and the hand wrapping her torso like a gift begins to tighten. Her bare foot rubs the skin decorating his calve. She runs her toes along the pepper coated hair lining his flesh. It wasn't until he'd physically tugged her closer that she was cognizant of the steel rod poking her spine. Flames of warmth scorch her neck and cheeks. She's completely certain she resembles something close of a fire hydrant. His erection was buried deep into the crevices of her back. Was this a regular scenario? Did Derek normally grow full on erections in the early hours of dawn? Or was it a special circumstance because Meredith Grey was spooned against him?

The thought made her heart beat abnormally. The morning grogginess had clouded her brain. It fogged over the fact that there indeed was a man in her bed, holding onto her for dear life.

The heel of her palm cascades across her eyelid. She brushes the gunky morning glop from her corneas, in hopes of awakening her cottony head. The attempt is rather useless, only jolting the remaining of her senses to advocate on what she already knew. The previous night was an unsolved jigsaw puzzle, the pieces scattered haphazardly to her. Although, she can recall the heavy tongue to tongue she indulged on. She even remembers his validation of intimate feelings to her. Unfortunately the aftermath is skewed across her foggy memory and the dots aren't connecting the way she so helplessly desires them so.

A dull throb pulsing across her forehead reminds Meredith she'd had some wine the prior evening. Perhaps it was the intoxication of alcohol and blinding lust that restrained her from reciprocating a crystal clear image of last night. She doesn't recall downing too much of the _dark poison_ but she doesn't rely on her scattered memory to dictate that for her.

Relief washes her over like a wave once she notices their figures are still completely eclipsed by clothing. She's almost certain they hadn't indulged in a carnal encounter but the thought lingered loosely in the back of her brain like molasses.

Her bladder is insistent she empty it sooner rather than later. Albeit, she doesn't want to awake Derek in the process of escaping the comfort of his embrace to her. Meredith's aware of the fact that waking him also meant he'd spill the details on their intimate night. The fear coiling inside her was reluctant at ever knowing the intricate memories of their time together. She wraps her fingers around his hand, clutching at his skin the way a crane captures a toy in a machine. She gingerly sets his unmoving hand alongside his hip. He flinches ever so slightly. A jumbled and incoherent murmur sluggishly releases from between his lips. She stills. Her body halts to a complete and utter stop as she awaits to find out if his mind is awakening or simply luring itself back into a dreamy haze of oblivion. Her heart begins to beat regularly once he chooses the latter option. Simply, Derek rolls back to his side. He kidnaps the pillow her head had been resting on for the night, curling his arm around the midsection.

Meredith lets out a heavy sigh as she empties her bursting bladder. Her toes crinkle against the cool tile of the bathroom floor. She wipes, cleanses her hands, refreshes her face, and before she has some semblance of what's happening, she finds herself midway through the threshold of her bedroom. Her eyes pierce at the sight of Derek. He's succumbed to consciousness, wearily glancing at the alarm clock displaced on the nightstand. Her chest tightens _\- squeeze, squeeze -_ fear and anxiety gnawing at her like a dog to a bone. The moment his eyes idly lock against hers, she suddenly finds herself glued to the wooden floor. He appears lethargic and somewhat groggy. Perhaps he's still waking himself from slumber. Albeit, it doesn't hide nor deny the dazing twinkle lighting his eyes. A lazy, Cheshire grin spreads slowly, _painfully,_ across the plain of his face. His expression turns her insides to a mushy glop. She wonders how this man has such a strong effect on her.

"Good morning." His hoarse tone cuts the pulsing silence. She takes note of the way his chest rises and falls to a slow and steady pattern. The way his fore and middle finger twirl the loose end of string dangling from her ratty comforter. His tongue slides along the outer perimeter of his lips and he smacks them, _once, twice._

Meredith tucks a loose, wavy tress behind her ear. The corner of her lip twitches and she shoots him a small smile. "Good morning." She virtually mocks him, deciding against her brains mental tug of war with her heart to add more. Though the pondering statements and questions permeate her head. Why are you still here? Did we screw like bunnies last night? This is inappropriate Dr. Shepherd. _Very inappropriate._ Her fingers brush the soft cotton of her yoga bottoms, running over the picks indicating they'd been worn consecutively. Silence swirls once more, other than the bustling noises of cars and various things vaguely humming from outside.

Derek runs his right hand over his face. He grunts and mumbles something her ears are unable to understand. His eyes lock against hers again and suddenly time has stopped. It's stupid and she feels like a silly high school girl blushing every time the guy she likes glances over at her in the slightest. But she isn't in grade school anymore and this isn't some idiot jock who more than less likely has pudding for brains. She's Meredith Grey. He's Derek Shepherd. How can something so simple be such a complicated tangle of frustration and confusion. Rules _suck._ Everything _sucks._

His fingers trickle across the plain white sheets blanketing the mattress. His gaze never releases from hers and he motions her with his left hand. "Come here." His voice still raspy. Within a seconds time frame, Meredith had the choice of obeying his commands or to halt them all at once and set the record straight. _Kick him out, go to him, kick him out, go to him, kick him out, go to him goddamnit!_

Heart two. Brain zero.

Her feet shuffle across the hardwood, _trudge, trudge._ Her weight dips against the mattress and the bed springs creak with distress. Her palm rubs the cottony bedspread, a distraction to keep her from initiating a conversation. She wonders if Derek can sense the awkwardness riveting between them or if he's dumber than a doorknob on the situation. Either way, her head hangs low.

"Meredith," Derek speaks up and his bravado is gentle and soothing. The tone he'd used with Annabelle the day before while trying to calm her frayed nerves. Subsequently, his magic worked on her as well and she rose her eyes to meet his own. "We didn't have sex last night. If that's what you're worried about we didn't... I wouldn't do that to you. I mean I have before, four years ago. Though I wouldn't do it now. I wouldn't take advantage of you." Almost as if he's psychic and he can read her mind. She can feel the weight lifting from her chest, suddenly it's easier to breathe. The left corner of his lip twitches and it morphs to a grin. A grin that makes her knees buckle. It makes her heart plead for him. And her core yearn to jump him.

She grips the base of what she assumes is Derek's foot lying protectively underneath the sheets and blankets. Her thumb brushes lightly over the fabric clad sole of his foot and she heaves a low sigh. One not even she understands what it means. "I..." she drags off. What does she say? There are so many convulsions she's utterly dying to disperse. I like you! You're my shining knight in... whatever! You make me weak in the knees! Annabelle-Elise is **your** daughter! Why does _this_ have to be more complicated than a rubrics cube?

"It's okay." He interrupts and she doesn't miss the underlying hint of disappoint drifting through his tone. "You're not ready for this." Her heart throbs at the commentary. She _was_ ready for 'this.' She _wasn't_ ready to unleash her truth. The actuality that in some parallel universe it wouldn't matter what the hell she had to divulge. But it was a stretch. A _big_ stretch. A three football field long stretch.

"I have a daughter." _You have a daughter!_

His grin grows the way their first encounter occurred. Slowly, then all at once. Her insides tingle at the reaction he provided her with at the mere mention of Anna. _You have a daughter!_ It's the smile she sees so much in Annabelle as well. The smile he gave her the moment she spoke to him. He'd been broody, alone, solum in the corner of a rusty bar in Europe. He'd been hiding his pain. Or numbing it perhaps. She'd been hiding her pain as well. Her college troubles. Her career troubles. Her mommy troubles. Her tequila troubles. An endless list of issues she's backpacked around like a mule the better portion of her life. Annabelle decreases those worries. _Derek_ decreases those worries.

"I know." His smile brightens to something kilowatt. "You have a _beautiful_ daughter, Meredith." _You have a daughter!_

Meredith returns the smile with a bit less enthusiasm. "I have a daughter." She mimics her earlier convulsion, seriousness edging her statement. "Which means I'm a mother. It means I have love and adore her. Be there for her when she falls and scrapes her knee on the pavement. To read her bedtime stories at night. She needs me to provide for her with my _job._ The one you just so happen to be my boss at. If I didn't have Annabelle, perhaps I'd be a little more insistent on this thing between us. Because I'm not going to lie and pretend that I'm not falling for you. However, a relationship is just..." her eyes brim with steamy tears. What was there to cry about? Oh right he's your baby daddy and the man you've totally fallen head over heels for. That's why! "Your my boss, too. My flipping boss! It would be unprofessional to hook up and-"

"This isn't a hook up for me, Meredith." Derek interrupts. He's straightened his slouched posture and maybe trailed his fingers through his ravenous mound of hair once or twice to tame the mane. His eyes have dulled but the sparkle is still there if she glances closely. "Four years ago was a hook up. A stupid hook up and I should have had the balls to get up and find you. Because that night wasn't just the sex Meredith. It was the talking with you about things I haven't even told some of my best friends. You were a complete stranger and somehow you felt like I'd known you all my life. I made a mistake not contacting you after I left that morning. This is **not** a hook up."

Her heart constricts at his words. His truthful, powerful bravado is like a bullet to the heart. He's being so honest with her and it sucks she can't repay him with some honesty of her own. It felt almost as if the world was out to get her constantly. She ached for her universe to quit spinning for a measly minute. "I'm ready, Derek. Now just isn't a good time for me to be ready." She clenches her fists and halts her oxygen intake, preparing herself for his anger to unravel like leaves on a vine.

Albeit, it never arrives. In fact, he radiates the opposite. Simply, he nods and leans forward as his lips brush her cheek. The thick forest of stubble layering his face pricks her flesh, however she doesn't mind. His lips place another kiss to her temple and one to the lower corner of her jaw.

"Last night was perfect. The way your eyes sparkled when I made love to your mouth. Your cheeks flushed every time I hovered over you and gazed. I love the way your nose scrunches whenever my hand tightens around your hip. Though, I believe spooning you to sleep had to be the most enjoyable part of my night." She feels him grin against the skin of her neck. "I'll wait for you, Meredith. It seems silly and I know you think I don't know you. But I do and I'll helplessly wait like a love sick puppy until you and Annabelle are ready to welcome me into your lives. _I'll wait._ "

Meredith acquitted a strenuous breath. She contemplated arguing with him, but figured in the long run forming a brawl with a man who just poured his heart out wasn't exactly an intelligent decision. Instead, she clutches a mound of his ebony curls between her fingertips. Her lips find the crown of his forest of hair and she lingers for a moment or two. "Okay." Meredith sighs in defeat as she waves her white flag high.

She pushes her knees to her chest tight, circling her arms around her limbs like a vixen. Her chin rests snuggly at the top of her kneecaps and she intricately stares while Derek collects his things, not that he'd brought many in the first place. She takes notice of the dimples placed against the lower quadrant of his back. From a distance she can vaguely outline the freckles coating his shoulders. She gazes at the loose tendrils of curls at the nape of his neck. They appear to have been carelessly disoriented during slumber, though the rugged, groggy appearance eclipsing his head of hair works for him. _Anything works for him._ He turns and her cheeks catch fire. She's unsure of whether he noticed her gazing intently. If he did, he doesn't make it obvious. A thick, scratchy shadow of stubble grows against his facial features and his eyes sparkle like stars in the night, despite the foul mood conjured only moments earlier. She desires to know his body from more than the vague description her memory allows from their primary sultry encounter.

 _He's an optimist!_ A freaking optimist! It's the reason he can be so positive in such a misfortunate situation. Meredith yearns at times to achieve even half of Derek Shepherds level of bright and shiny. Albeit, she's almost completely certain a dark and thunderous cloud of karma trails over her head, zapping away any form of exuberance or euphoria. At scarce moments, she can find those things. Such as Annabelle, listening to melody of her daughters giggle can turn Meredith's grotesque mood into something cheerful. Or when Derek Shepherd kisses her and makes her world spin off its axis. She's placed on a freight train to the heavens above and lays on top of cloud nine for as long as he can keep her there.

"I'll see you at work?" His voice draws her back into the reality of it all. She blinks, once, twice, processing he little question he's thrown her way.

Meredith nods. "Yeah, work." A watery smile slides across her cheeks and she watches as he exits her bedroom.

* * *

"Did you call a tow company?" Meredith's jumps at the insertion of Derek's rich tone. His voice brushes against her eardrum like honey dripping from a comb. She'd tried to avoid Derek for the majority of her workday. Ducking in on-call rooms, hiding behind charts, stumbling into supply closets. she'd rather break her neck hiding from this man than forcefully face him. Running was always so much easier than staying. She was a runner. She'd been a runner for the better half of her life.

At first the question sprung confusion on Meredith. _Tow company?_ She didn't want to sound utterly stupid by asking what he meant. Maybe her brain had been fried to oblivion by her boy troubles and work troubles and daughter troubles and mommy troubles and so forth. "You know," he adds, nudging her arm with the point of his elbow. "Your car. Or as you put it, 'piece of shit'." Suddenly the dots were connecting.

"Yeah, I did. I think I'm going to have buy a new car considering what they want to fix it is more than what the car is worth." Meredith's pen clanks against the countertop and she turns to face him. A faux grin crawls across her expression, trying her best to keep a facade Derek isn't able to see through. Her arms envelope her chest like a restrain jacket. She keeps that hold the way Annabelle hugs her favorite stuffed bunny, tight and secure.

Derek smiles and crooks his head to the right, protruding a look that makes her knees wobble like a child learning to walk for the very first time. "Well, if you need any help let me know."

"I don't need your help, Derek." She spits at him without fully computing her statement. She'd meant it as something playful and harmless but her tone begged to differ. Her bold bravado didn't seem to be settling well with Derek either considering the sparkle that lingered against his eyes had dulled to starless night.

"God, Meredith." He shakes his head and heaves a strenuous sigh. His hand runs wildly through his coifed curls. "Can I not even make a cordial comment without you shutting me off?"

"Just forget what I said." She cuts the conversation short. Unfortunately the thought he won't be dropping it anytime soon lingers in the back of her mind.

Something grabbles at her bony wrist and suddenly she's being yanked in the opposite direction. A door slam rings against her ear and vision is blanketed by cleaning supplies and various medical items. Derek's expression is a dark one. One that makes her insides knot like a pretzel and not the _good_ mushy kind of knotting either.

He huffs and pushes his weight on one hand as he leans against a shelf. "What's your problem, Meredith?"

"I don't have a problem!" She counters.

"Cut the bullshit." Derek growls at her. "I get it. I get that you don't want me in a romantic sense. I get it. I get that you're emotionally stunted. I get it. I understand that you're horrified someone might think you're using me to get ahead in surgeries and that scares the hell out of you. But how come I can't at least be friendly? What's the flipping harm in being cordial to one another?"

"I am not emotionally stunted!" Meredith clenches her jaw together and grit her teeth to restrain her from conversing something she'll regret.

"Yeah, okay." She watches carefully as his fist clenches in a ball. His knuckles turn to a pasty white. "If you weren't emotionally stunted you wouldn't be such a bitch about this thing between us!" His tone raises an octave or two.

She feels her temper rising within as he exerts his earlier statement. "Shut the hell up!" Her cheeks grow to a scorching fire as the pent up energy she'd been keeping locked in bursts. "You don't get to call me a _bitch!_ When I said I didn't want your help I hadn't meant it the way you made it seem. Goddamnit Derek, _this_ is already hard enough for me! Us as a couple isn't ideal right now and you said you would wait until I was ready. Instead you go off at one thing I said! If you really wanted to be with me you wouldn't act like my superior and call me what you did."

"I am your superior, Meredith. That's my job. I'm the head of neurosurgery I have to be your boss." His words stick her like a knife to the back.

"Fine." Her vision blurs at the tears permeating her waterline. "Be my _superior._ This is why a relationship between us can't happen. It can't happen because you're too busy being Mr. hotshot surgeon and I'm too busy being the scared little intern afraid to have you. I won't succumb to someone who doesn't respect me or what I want. We had sex one time in a foreign country. It doesn't mean you need to chase me down all over the halls of this hospital to keep something we never had going. We've run out of fumes. I've run out of fumes."

She turns, her ponytail whipping behind her just as her fingers cradle the doorknob in her grasp. "Meredith." Remorse wafts against his rasp. She knows he feels guilty about what happened.

 _Don't forgive him. Move on. He's not worth your time._ Her conscious is a full force anti-Derek stan at the moment and she can't help but fall victim to its pleads. "You're free. You don't have to wait for me to get ready." The door squeaks as light peeps through the crack she'd made. "And that's Dr. Grey, to you."

Suddenly she's gone.

* * *

Tequila makes her vision dance in swirls. Her nails clinks against the clear shot glass keeping the amber liquid held captive. She's lost count of how many shots she's taken and her head is throbbing too hard to determine the exact amount. She feels like a shitty mother sitting in a bar numbing her problems with alcohol while her daughter sits at home with her intern friend George. She tilts her head back and swallows another drink. It dilutes that thought to nothing more than a watery though swimming in the back of her head.

"I didn't know Mommy's drank tequila." She listens to Cristina pull at her like a puppet on strings.

She doesn't have the strength to fight back. "Mommy Meredith does." Or did. She'd ridden herself for the most part in the years of Annabelle-Elise's existence. Every once in a while she'd slip up thinking that she'd never see the man who got her pregnant again. Thinking Annabelle would never have a father in her life. Thinking she'd be alone for the rest of her life.

This instance fell into the 'Derek Shepherd makes my life a living hell' category as well.

"I'll take your word for it." She snickers and chugs back her own shot of amber poison. "Considering your downing those like it's water and your drying up in the Sahara desert."

Meredith licks the outer perimeter of her lips. She shudders at the tangy taste of her liquid courage as the remnants coat her esophagus. She grunts and throws another few dollar bills at the man behind the counter. What was his name again? Jim? John? Joe? Joe! His name was joe. "Another round." Meredith sighs hoarsely.

He smirks at her, pocketing the rumpled money. "I'll have to take your keys then." Joe chuckles, motioning his fingers back toward him as he physically instructs he needs to capture her car keys as well.

"Take whatever you want." Her fingers rummage in the pocket of her jeans and the keys clack against the bar counter, _clink, clank, clink._ "My cars a piece of shit anyways. I've already been stripped of my dignity today. What's another piece of me ripped away gonna matter?" Meredith's words slur like a car on an icy road. She hiccups and it's a small indication she's already drunk as a skunk on top of everything else.

"Someone's a little dark and twisty today, now aren't they?" Cristina divulges somewhere in the near background.

Meredith snorts and curls her bony fingers around the shot glass. Condensation melts against her fingertips before she swallows another thing of tequila. "I'm always dark and twisty. Derek Shepherd just makes it ten-million times worse!" Her drunken mushed brain is coerces a secret she'd meant to hold captive inside. Drunken Meredith doesn't care about top secret secrets!

Cristina's brow scrunches. "You mean Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yeah, him! He's a real asshole you know. He's bipolar I mean one minute he wants me and the next he's hating me. He's a light switch, on, off, on, off! I mean I didn't think it could get anymore douchey than it was of him to sleep with me in Europe three... no four years ago and get me pregnant. What an ass!" Meredith holds four fingers up and pushes them into Cristina's personal space bubble to demonstrate her point a little better. Drunken Meredith doesn't care about top secret secrets!

"Meredith, what-what are you talking about?" Cristina's worrisome question is drowned out by the ring of the bell. Meredith's eyes divert to the door and her blood turns to fire. A mound of ebony curls and a nurse she vaguely recognizes trail through the door. He laughs absentmindedly at something the dark haired woman whispers to him. Meredith's chest clenches. The thought of him already running off to find a new woman to replace her was sickening. Gut wrenching. Vomit worthy in fact.

She downs another shot of liquid courage, not the she needed it anyway. She already drunk beyond oblivion a little more would only fuel the already burning fire. "I'll be right back." She mumbles uncoordinatedly. Her feet wobble and she holds herself up against the barstool. Drunken Meredith stumbles awkwardly toward 'Derek Shepherd the assholes' table. She leaves sober Meredith far behind.

Her tiny ineffectual fists slam against the wooden surface. She blinks once, twice, to clear her blurred vision. "You!" She yells. "You're an ass! A big stupid ass!" Sober Meredith would be concerned of people watching. Drunken Meredith doesn't care! "Right after you dump me, you find another whore to screw!"

Derek's expression is complexed and he seems more concerned than he is angry. Drunken Meredith doesn't care! "You dumped me." His tone is soft and whispery. "Mere, are you drunk?" He brushes her shoulder with the pads of his fingertips.

"Don't touch me!" She spits and slaps his grasp away from her clavicle. "And did I? Well whatever it doesn't matter. You're an ass, an A-S-S! And that's Dr. Grey to you!" Her hand pressed against the tabletop keeps her standing. Her breath blows a piece of stray hair away from her face.

"Meredith, stop. You're drunk and you're drawing a crowd toward us."

"No, I will not stop! Maybe you should stop being a whore. Yeah, a manwhore! Going on dates with women the same day you dumped me. You're an ass Derek Shepherd! A big stinking ass! You're probably just scared that I'm embarrassing you."

Derek sighs. He leans over to touch her again but Meredith's quick to half any pending actions. "You're not embarrassing me." He whispers.

"I said don't touch me!" Meredith's hand collides with his stubbled cheek. Drunken Meredith doesn't care! A slew of chorused gasps permeate the bustling bar but drunken Meredith is too _lit_ to understand that they're gasping at her. "You don't deserve me! You don't deserve me or Annabelle. Thank god I was smart enough to never tell you about her. She's better off without her sorry daddy, who's a manwhore and a woman user! You're a user Derek!" Drunken Meredith doesn't care! She's virtually spilt the top secret secret without truly saying 'Hey, you're Annabelle-Elise's dad!' But sober Meredith doesn't know. Sober Meredith is long gone.

Before she's able to demolish even more of this conversation, she feels Cristina pulling on her waist. "Let go of me!" She whines, drunk, slurred, wearily.

"We have said enough for one night." Cristina mumbles hastily against Meredith's ear drums. Drunken Meredith doesn't understand what she means. What's wrong? What had she done? She spoke her mind and gave 'Derek Shepherd the asshole' a piece of her mind. What's the problem?

Many problems. Many, many, many problems.

* * *

 **Did I finish a chapter? Yes I did! So I hope this is sufficient and will make up for the super lack of updates. I don't have a good excuse. I think I've just been enjoying summer thus far and I didn't have the energy to get up and do work. Though the creative energies are flowing and I'm going to try and have new chapters up before my birthday next Monday!**

 **What are your thoughts on this? Meredith sorta kinda told Derek. Do you think he'll figure it out or just think she was too drunk and incoherent to properly say what she was feeling? She definitely told Cristina and I assure you she will have some questions for Meredith don't you worry! Do you think Derek deserves what Meredith gave him? Tell me your thoughts.**

 **I was slightly upset no one even tried to guess the scene from the movie I copied in last chapter. It was from Sex and The City, they used the word coloring to disguise the fact they were talking about sex.**

 **As for my other stories I'm going to update I promise. I think I was feeling discouraged on the lack of feedback and stuff and I was all like, "why bother updating?" But I've realized as time grew that people do enjoy those stories and I'll continue them. Comment which story you want me to update the most and I'll try and get to it.**

 **Please leave your opinions on the chapter. Hearing from you makes my day so much brighter plus my birthday is in a week and it would be a great present to hear from you ((; !**

 **Thank you for reading, I love you all'**


	8. Morning After 8

_Chapter 8 | Morning After_

The pounding in her head was the equivalent to a marching band parading consecutively like a broken record. Her face mashed against the beige pillowcase. Her hair is a curtain cascading across the sliver of flesh open to the world. A protective blanket of a sort, shielding her from the hell she is bound to pay. If alcohol made everything so much lighter while indulging on it, why was the aftermath such a stickler? Perhaps it's the price the human population pays for intoxicating their bodies with the poison. One would assume it would teach a lesson or two to stay clear of the alcoholic beverage. Albeit, it's a faulty assumption.

Something moist and clammy slaps across her face. She assumes the stubby wet things pricking her temple and cheek are fingers, _little fingers_ at that. In the back of her mind, she knows being a mother is far more important than slewing over a god awful hangover she'd brought upon herself. But she can't seem to bring herself to full consciousness and attend to her daughters every waking need. The thought of rising her throbbing cranium from the pillow it was resting against was like a bullet to the chest _\- painful -_ and she'd like to pretend for a moment further that she wasn't 'Mommy Meredith.'

Her ears prick at the vague conversation happening at a distance. She'd piece together the words being spoken and the bravados they belong too, but her brain is nothing more than a soggy pile of mush at this point. The patter of feet brush her ears as well, _thump, tap, thump, tap._

"Get the hell up!" She listens to the harsh tone that's a dagger slicing through her brain. She mumbles something in response, though she's almost certain it gets lost transit considering her divulgence was muffled against the pillow. Her head is sluggish to connect the dots as to who's _actually_ speaking to her. It sure isn't Annabelle, albeit she knows she's the culprit of the slimy digits costing her facial features moments earlier. However, who else would she let into her house unauthorized other than her own daughter?

Meredith shifts her face to the right, cracking an eye open to a mere slit. Her vision is blurred by fatigue and the remnants of her hangover but she's able to paint a vague picturesque. A whirl of black, unruly hair is the focal point of her canvas. Coifed is the opposite of what this is. So it certainly isn't Derek who's summoning her and she's particularly exuberant it **isn't** him. _Cristina._ It has to be Cristina. She remembers meeting her at the bar last night. She also remembers downing more than a dozen shots. However, the remaining moments of the evening are a fuzzy mess and it's a jigsaw with tiny pieces skewed across her brain. She doesn't believe she holds the mental strength to complete her puzzle.

"Meredith I am not messing around. Get your ass up **immediately!** " Cristina barks at her again. She wants to hurdle a scalpel to her head. Though for some reason, it gives her a surge of energy to at least rise from her _death bed._ She blinks a slew of times, unblurring her sight in order to come to the conclusion that she's settled in her bedroom. _How had she gotten here? Had Cristina carried her up here?_ She doesn't remember.

The ball of her palm scrapes across her face. The tips of her fingers plunge into the depths of her corneas and she tries to thoroughly remove the morning gunk from her waterline. "You don't have to be so loud." She replies. Her tone is hoarse and it feels as if a million nails are clawing down her esophagus. She's achey, lethargic, and miserable. She'd almost rather be on SCUT for the next month than have an argument with Cristina Yang right now. She's positive her semi _person_ will fill in the blurry gaps from the previous night and in all honesty she isn't sure if she wants to know about it. She vaguely remembers Derek. She vaguely remembers a woman with him. She vaguely remembers tumbling out of her seat at the bar. She vaguely remembers being carried out of the bar by Cristina herself. Unfortunately, the in between and after are an unsolved mystery to the mind.

"Cut the bullshit, Mere." Cristina folds her arms, shooting a prowling and disapproving glance her way. "Before we start, you need to gulp down that aspirin and water because we have a shift in another two hours." _Work._ Meredith cringes at the thought of heading into work. Going to her job is the _last_ thing she'd want to be doing right now.

Albeit, the aspirin disappears from the bedside table and the glass is half empty once she finishes. At least the thumping in her head will dilute to a gentle patter because anything is better than carrying around a marching band all day. "Start what?" The back of her hand wipes the blanket of water coating her dry lips away. She smacks her lips a few times, _smack, smack, smack,_ and heaves a sigh.

Something in Cristina's demeanor changes. The stone cold facade wares down and the crinkles around her eyes loosen like Jell-O. Her eyes dart to the door, as if she's scared someone may be eavesdropping on the conversation about to go down. Meredith doesn't comment, even if her heart is racing faster than a Nascar driver. "Mere." Her voice box is noticeably quieter and softer. _This can't be good._ "Last night, you told me something." The expression her dark orbs hold give the impression she said a little more than just to Cristina. _This can't be good._ "I..." she stops and glances at the threshold again. _This can't be good._

"What's going on? I don't... I don't understand." Meredith trails her hand across her golden, tussled tresses. She hopes Cristina can't hence the fear creeping along her reply. She'd like to pretend things were okay for a minute longer, that her world won't collapse in a moments time.

"Last night, at the bar you told me something." Piece by piece the puzzle forms a picture. "You said something about your kid, Annabelle." Another piece. "Something you denied in the library the first day we met." Another. "Maybe you were just really wasted but I don't think you'd make this up out of nowhere." Another. "You said Shepherd wasn't the father of your daughter but..." Another. "Last night, goddamnit last night you said he _was._ You told me he was the father, Meredith." The jigsaw was puzzled together right before her eyes. The memory unwinds slowly and she's beginning to remember the details of their conversation.

 _Cristina's brow scrunches. "You mean Dr. Shepherd?"_

 _"Yeah, him! He's a real asshole you know. He's bipolar I mean one minute he wants me and the next he's hating me. He's a light switch, on, off, on, off! I mean I didn't think it could get anymore douchey than it was of him to sleep with me in Europe three... no four years ago and get me pregnant. What an ass!"_

Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgod. This bad. No bad is an understatement. Bad is an antonym for what this was. This was catastrophically horrible! Why had she gone to the bar? Why had she asked Cristina to tag along? Why had she spilled her biggest secret? Why, why, why?! She supposes this isn't as catastrophically horrible as it would be if she'd told Derek, right? Oh crap.

"Meredith?" Cristina's hand touches her shoulder and she flinches at the sudden contact. The sound of Cristina's voice drew her back to reality. She wanted to quake in fear.

"Did I tell him?" Meredith's hand clasps over her mouth. Hot, steamy tears make her irises glassy. Her cheeks exert a scolding heat. Had she coerced the news to Derek that he was a father? That he was the father of Annabelle-Elise? The night was still a disoriented mess of confusion, in truth. She was praying on every wisp of hope she held captive in her body that her suspicions would be shot down by Cristina.

Cristina's dark eyes widen a sliver. The hand curled around her shoulder tightens and Meredith feels a grabble against her clavicle. The expression eclipsing Cristina's face is enough to answer her pending question with as much detail as words could. "Mere..." her voice dips.

"Damnit." Meredith croaks.

Her original intentions hadn't been to hide the fact Annabelle was his estranged daughter. Truthfully, after their mini tryst in Europe she was doubtful of ever seeing "The guy from the bar" again. They'd had an eventful night of screwing like bunnies followed by a few hours before the sun rose of convulsing deep and dark secrets. Their divulgences were mostly alcohol induced anyhow. When the dozen white sticks lining her bathroom counter each indicated she was pregnant with a positive, she'd come to he realization that man would be apart of her life forever. A tinge of guilt lingered in the pit of her gut as she came to realization she could have tried a tad harder to locate her baby daddy. An even larger tinge of guilt struck her when she pondered over the fact Derek has resurfaced himself into her life and she'd yet to confess.

"I can't face him." She whimpers. "I can't go to work and face up to what's been said."

Cristina exerts a breath. The hand she'd curled around Meredith's shoulder loosens its grip and it slowly maneuvers its way back to the security of her own lap. "Why didn't you just tell Shepherd in the first place? Why does it have to be some big secret, I mean it's partially _his_ kid." Meredith doesn't miss the judge-y tone drifting beneath her spiel. She seeks retaliation, though truthfully Cristina's right and she **hates** that revelation.

"It's not that easy, Cristina. I slept with this guy years ago. I-I didn't even know his first name until after he screwed me like a nail to a wall. Plus I had never planned on seeing him ever again, anyhow. There was no way to find him and when I started my internship at Seattle Grace I hadn't expected him to be there. Much less be my boss. I can't just up and tell him Anna is his. His own flesh and blood. I'm surprised he hadn't figured out before my drunken outburst."

Meredith's breath hitches in her esophagus as she awaits something witty to commerce from her friend. Though the questionable commentary never chugs its way out of the station. Instead she snorts. "From the looks of it, I would have thought you and _McDreamy_ had known each other forever." She wiggles her brows suggestively.

"What is that supposed to mean? I told you we slept together one time."

"Oh come on, Mere. You look like a flipping family for crying out loud. It's so noticeable you're into him or were into him nonetheless. You giggle at every stupid thing that spurs from his mouth!" She says coinciding with a malicious grin.

Meredith scoffs and her cheeks become a personal furnace once again. She's sure blush is licking flames across her cheeks and neck, spiraling down into her cleavage. "I do not." She mumbles. "And even if I howl like a hyena it doesn't matter. Nothing matters other than the fact I couldn't keep my big mouth shut."

"I still think he's in the unknown." Cristina's murmurs. "I mean the guy looked really confused and truthfully you didn't flat out say, 'Hey! Annabelle is your daughter!'"

The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach ceased slightly. Had it really not been as bad as she imagined it to be? She assumes Derek would have left her a million messages and phone calls if he'd connected the dots by now. Had he? Meredith leans over to her left and clutches her phone between her bony fingers. The screen flashes on, though there's only one message from him. It was sent around three-ish that morning. His contact glows and it mocks her with pleasure. She fears to read what's been sent.

"You don't think he knows?"

Cristina mimics her prior head shake. "No, but I'm completely sure he knows you think he's an _ass._ "

Meredith snorts and runs her hand down her face. Her palm cups over her mouth and the mere chuckle morphs to a cackling chortle. "Oh god!" She says between laughs. "How bad was _that_?"

"Pretty bad." She smirks. "Though, I think he totally deserved it. I mean he is a jackass and all."

"You just say that because you don't like him."

Cristina rolls her dark eyes. "It doesn't matter if _I_ don't like him. It's true, he's a jackass. Plus if anything, you seemed to be the one who didn't like him last night." She laughs.

Meredith's chuckles die slowly as her head hunkers down between her thighs. The tips of her fingers knead through her mussed and tangle tresses, alleviating the remnants of the thrumming pound in her head. She's thankful for the fact that her brain no longer feels as if it's been stuffed with cotton. Unfortunately her new found clarity is one she hadn't wanted to find. She tilts her head to the Asian parallel of her frame. Her elbow jabs into the flesh of her knee whilst her hand holds up her head. "What do I do?" She asks. Meredith feels defeated in this sense. Even if Derek is still rather oblivious of everything that went down or just figured she was too drunk for compensation, withholding this secret would only gnaw at her even more than it had been. She's overdo on relinquishing it, but she doesn't know how.

Cristina's lips part but the screeching harmony of her pager fills the gaping silence. _Buzz, beep, buzz._ "I gotta go." She grunts and removes herself from the mattress, the dip her weight made filling. "And that's your decision, not mine Mere." She shucks her pager and a few other items into the bag slumped over by the doorframe. She bellows a 'goodbye' and fills her in that Annabelle was in her bedroom.

She listens to the beat of Cristina's shoes as she hustles down the rickety staircase, _clink, clank, clunk._ Her eyes drift back to her phone that lay haphazardly over the rumpled bedsheets. She gives into the fire and opens her messages, coming to the conclusion that it would most likely haunt her nerves not reading more so than it would not to.

 _"Hey, I get that you're upset with me and you have every right to be upset with me. I treated you like shit the other day and you didn't deserve that. I should have respected what you wanted and that was to simply be friends. However, I'm willing to take the steps to get to something further, if you are. Baby steps that is. I hope you're doing okay, especially after the outburst about Anna's father. I'm not sure if something happened but if you want to release your anger about it on me, than consider me your human punching bag. Hopefully we can talk in person when you come into work."_

She acquits a wet croak. Tears well against her irises. How could one message surge her hormones to such an extreme? Her tears vanish at the sound of a faint patter and an ear wrenching, "Mama!"

Meredith watches her little girls curls bounce with exuberance as she toddles her way over to her mother. Petite arms tighten around her calve. Anna's hair glows against the stream of light cascading through the blinds. "Mommy." Her bravado is much softer than before and she glances upward to make eye contact. Meredith's heart warms at the sight of those shining cerulean orbs. She reaches under Anna's arms and lifts her up. The little girls tush nestles against the meat of Meredith's thigh. Her head nuzzles into the valley of Meredith's cleavage, much as she would do when she was only a baby.

"Hi pumpkin." Meredith says, planting a kiss to the crown of her head. Her fingers trail through the golden locks sprouting from her little girls scalp. It had been the first time in a long time Meredith had ceased to be there for Annabelle. Her stomach churned unsettling as she reminisced over the fact she'd left and got drunk on tequila whilst leaving her home with a vaguely familiar babysitter. Just another thing to gnaw at her gut.

Her plump and stubby fingers clutch a fistful of Meredith's cotton t-shirt. Her tiny nose brushes against the fabric and it's an easy indicator she'd missed her mother. Sure, they spent time apart while Meredith had to work. But most always, Meredith made the effort to visit her daughter during any spare moment she had. Even if she felt like walking death. Albeit, she hadn't left Annabelle with no explanation before. Her heart constricted knowing she'd put her own selfish needs before her child's.

"Mommy, where were you?" Her bottom lip puckered out. Her blue eyes twinkling with pondering questions.

"My head was hurting a little." Semi truth. "So I went to lie down for a while. I'm sorry I scared you." Meredith presses her lips to the girls forehead, allowing them to linger for a moment or so. Her daughters skin was soft, her facial features splotched with cinnamon colored freckles. A trait she'd developed from Meredith herself.

Anna straddles Meredith's upper thigh, her tiny knees pressed against the skin of her leg. Her palms cupped Meredith's cheeks and she leaned forward to place a sloppy kiss the center of her mothers forehead.

Meredith giggles at her daughters gesture. "What was that for?" She questions, eyeing Anna settle herself back into Meredith's lap.

"You kiss my boo-boos better, I kiss yours better."

Her heart fluttered. Suddenly her morning was a little brighter than before.

* * *

 **Ah! I updated what a surprise! So yes I'm aware this is much shorter than I normally do but one, going on any further would have been too much and two, I would have rather given you this now than have you wait another week or two. Also I'm sorry for the lack of MerDer interaction but I promise, next chapter will be full of them.**

 **I decided to update this again because this is my most popular story at the moment. Even though "Let's Talk About Sex Baby" is long overdo for an update and I promise I'm working on a new chapter now, this is the story have most inspiration for.**

 **What do you think is going to happen? Will Meredith confess to Derek? Do you think he's figured it out? I'd love your reviews and opinions, they make updating so much easier knowing people are out there wanting more!**

 **I would love to thank my new Beta, vballr217 for helping me find some inspiration and come up with the ideas for the next few chapters I have planned!**

 **Thank you so much for reading, you are all great! (:**


	9. Picket Fences and Shepherd Babies 9

_Chapter 9 | Picket Fences and Shepherd Babies_

 _Avoid, avoid, avoid._ Her mind's most current mantra. She felt as if she'd been inducted to participate in an extensive game of hide and seek, this version including crouching and creeping into the most uncomfortable of hiding spots. It was silly and child's play to purposely avoid a man who was more than less dazed and confused over the situation at hand. However, she felt as though taking any chances of catching his eye in the corridor would only lead to a brutal outcome.

A splash of relief crept down her vertebrae once the sound of the women's bathroom door creaked closed behind her. She was completely certain Derek wouldn't go as far as barging into the women's sanctuary just to hunt her down for a measly chat. She was hopeful the rest of her colleagues would remain a busy cluster outside and refrain from needing a restroom break. Her sneakers squeaked against the tiles as she shuffled to the nearest mirror.

Meredith was subsequently still riding the coattails of her hangover. She had downed an aspirin and a Tylenol before escaping the security of her home, although, neither had been strong enough to evaporate the distant pound swelling in her brain. Besides the agonizing headache, she looked worse for wear. Dark circles hung low against her complexion, with hair thrown into a loose and ratty bun, which could be easily mistaken for a ponytail at this point. Normally her irises sparkled, or so she'd been told. The emerald jewels diluted to a fathomless dull grey. Had one night of drinking done this to her? In her defense, she'd had barely enough time to pull herself and Annabelle together after her chat with Cristina. She'd skipped on the shower and opted to forget any sort of makeup, not that she wore much anyhow.

She heaved a strenuous sigh and twisted the knob on the sink. Water began to rush out of the faucet beating down against the basin. Her slender fingers cupped a handful of icy water and she delicately splashed the wet refresher against her face. Droplets of moisture hung from her eyelashes, a few gliding down her pale cheekbones. Meredith blinked away the fatigue permeating her eyes. The cool water had washed the lethargy away somewhat and she felt ever so grateful for that. Albeit, it didn't erase the guilt caked across her internally. She couldn't escape Derek's clutches forever. The hospital was certainly a maze but it wasn't one hundred percent full proof of keeping her hidden from him. He was her boss's boss for Christ's sake.

Her knuckles became a pasty shade of white as her fingers gripped the edges of the sink. Her figure was shaking in anxiousness. Her secret was to uncoil sooner rather than later.

Meredith nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of the restrooms door cracking open. Her heart leaped frantically, only to slow itself once coming to the realization of who'd actually entered the women's bathroom. Izzie Stevens, a fellow intern in Meredith's group waltz into the vicinity with her head held high. If she'd noticed Meredith's brief freak out, she hadn't made it noticeable. The blonde simply stretched a grin and pranced to Meredith's proximity.

"Hey Mere!" She greeted cheerfully.

It was obvious Izzie was an optimist. She had almost _everything_ going for her. Long golden tresses, large breasts, thin waist, perkiness, intelligence, and her will to find even the smallest glimmer of hope in dreary situations. She was past optimist. There wasn't a word descriptive enough to describe what Izzie Stevens was. Meredith almost envied the woman's happiness. She figures she'd grown up in a stable household with unconditionally loving parents, something Meredith had never had. Her mother's baby was the hospital and her surgeries, not her own flesh and blood. Meredith, as an only child, only had the company of a caretaker who's visits barely consisted of three spoke words. Did Izzie have any siblings? Perhaps. Meredith wasn't too sure, she and Izzie weren't the best of friends anyhow. She merely had assumptions about 'Dr. Model', but nothing to be positively confirmed.

"Hey." Meredith gulps a response. Her fingers loosen their grip on the porcelain perimeter of the restroom's sink. A milky-peach color beginning to brim her hands and knuckles as her steady hold dilutes. The tip of her tongue slides across her seemingly chapped lower lip, moistening them although licking the flesh only makes the problem worse. Meredith doesn't care.

Izzie's smile slowly fades into oblivion. Her head tilted at a forty-five degree angle. Her ponytail bounces along with her as she takes a step or two closer to Meredith's personal space bubble. She pops its protective shield, the simple flattening of her palm against the fabric of her pristine lab coat. "Is everything okay?" Her expression exerts seriousness. The contact was foreign to Meredith. The only times she'd been touched in such a way had been romantically with Derek. Her mother was as nurturing as a cactus and her short list of long term friends, including her fellow twisted sister Cristina, followed not too far behind. Izzie's question seemed more sincere than not and Meredith weighed the option of spilling her troubles to the blonde on her mental teeter totter.

Her thumb soothingly stroked Meredith's upper arm and, somehow, had managed to rid her body of the shakes. Fear bubbled nervously in the pit of her gut. "I-I think Annabelle's father is seeking to reappear in her life." Meredith murmurs. It was a half-hearted truth, but it was a start. Maybe Izzie's overwhelming optimism could magically create a solution for Meredith's jumbled conscious.

"Oh." The blonde replies solely. Meredith takes notice of the glossy tears sloshing against her waterline. Had she triggered something? "Well, isn't that a good thing? I mean isn't it good he wants to be apart of your child's life?"

Meredith huffs. Izzie wouldn't understand. She was _Izzie_ for the love of God. Izzie probably grew up with smiley faced posters decorating her walls. She wasn't an adulterous whore who gets themselves knocked up by a random man in a foreign country. "Not really." Meredith says. "He didn't even know she existed until now. He just waltzes into her life, _my life_ nearly four years after her birth and is going to pretend like it's nothing. Iz, this is a big deal. A huge deal! What if he tries to take my baby away from me?" Meredith's apprehensions and fears spill out of as she rambles her head away.

It wasn't only the guilt gnawing at her for keeping Derek's daughter away, but it was also the fear he might take Annabelle-Elise away from her. Derek held legal rights over this child. He could sweep her little baby girl away in the blink of an eye if he wanted to. He had more money, time, and experience to support her. He'd mentioned something early on about having four sisters, all girly with a ton of nieces. Derek _knew_ how to raise a child. Meredith only had the little amount of practice she'd been given whilst playing with her baby-dolls at the adolescent age of five.

"At least he wants to try and be in your child's life, Meredith. My 'baby daddy' didn't even want mine to exist." Izzie confesses. Meredith blinked a cluster of times. Did Izzie just say she had a child? She'd never mentioned a baby before. In fact, she'd flat out told the entire group that she was single.

"I was in high school." She exclaims almost as if she could read Meredith's pondering mind. "I lived in a trailer park for the majority of my life. My biological dad ran off the moment I was born and it was just my mom and I for the most part. I got teased and picked on by other people at school because I wore the same shirt two days in a row. When I was sixteen, some sleaze-bag guy knocked me up and he told me to abort it. He left me and moved on to the next girl stupid enough to let him get into their pants while I was left alone pregnant. I decided to give her up for adoption. She deserved something better than a single teenage mom living in a trailer with her mother. It was when I gave Hannah up, I named her Hannah, that I decided I wanted to make something of myself. That if, in the future, I found a man that loved me enough to give me another child, I could support my baby." Izzie brushed the loose tears dangling down her cheeks with the back of her hand. She sniffled lightly and managed to pull a watery smile to her cheeks.

"I know you think I've lived some bright and shiny life, Meredith. Some people are just hiding their pain you know, to get through the day one step at a time. Everyone has a little dark and twisty whether they show it or not."

Meredith chewed her bottom lip frantically. Her stomach clenched as she concluded her accusations had been way off. Sure, Meredith hadn't had a mother or father around, perhaps she was luckier than she'd realized. "I'm sorry about your daughter, Iz." Meredith whispers, her own tears permeating her emerald orbs.

"Maybe you should just talk things out with your daughter's father." Izzie suggests. She rocks rhythmically on the balls of her feet, swaying to a perfect tempo.

"Yeah." Meredith concludes.

Maybe Izzie was right in this sense. Would Derek really want to be reeled through the ringer of a custody battle? She knows for a clear as day fact he'd want Annabelle in his life, even if it meant part time. Even being oblivious to the notion that he was her flesh and blood, he still showed a connection to her that she'd seen no one else hold. It doesn't eclipse or confirm that he'll be completely okay with her lying to him though. Even if she could create some valid excuse for ceasing to contact him in the first four years of his daughter's life, they'd been in personal contact for months now. _Months_ she had carried this cynical secret in her back pocket.

On top of everything else, she can be sure this factor will ruin their chances for a bright and shiny family. The one with the white picket fence and curly haired babies running amuck. She'd only have the distant memories of their primary and _only_ consummation when they'd conceived Annabelle, though their feelings at the time had been nothing more than tipsiness and buckets of lust rather than love. Although there had been their steamy kiss in the elevator and their blurry make out session on her couch, as well as the kiss in her kitchen, unfortunately, she's completely certain those memories will fade just as their budding romance had.

Meredith's fuzzy on the timing and she can't completely comprehend when or where it happened. But somehow, in the midst of their whirlwind relationship, she began to fall for him. She was falling for him as more than a lusty bonk or her daughter's daddy. She was falling for him as a _man._ Her heart constricts knowing it'll vanish in a second once she's cleansed her conscious to him.

It's silly, she's cognizant of the situation. She'd been the one to demolish their romance the moment he woke up next to her in bed earlier that week. Albeit, they'd agree perhaps one day the wheels on their partnership could begin to turn once _she_ was ready. However, those plans will cease to exist Meredith figures.

Meredith releases a breath of air. _Inhale, exhale._ Her sight turns to Izzie who's still standing at a respectable distance, allowing Meredith to get her mixed feelings out and in the open. She feels better after the conversation convulsed between the two of them and she feels happier that now she's closer with the blonde than before. Perhaps once this mess is over she can find Izzie to have a shoulder to cry on. All things considered, Cristina will want to do nothing more than guzzle down bottles of tequila and numb any sort of humane feelings dwindling.

"Thank you." Meredith quips, wiping stray tears and snot from her face.

"No problem." Izzie responds sincerely. "Maybe once you've talked to your own 'baby daddy' we could meet for drinks or something and you tell me how it went?"

Meredith nods and manages to twitch her lip into a weak smile. She feels utterly defeated. Her hands press against the door and push it open, baring herself for the hell to come.

* * *

The only piece completely unsolved of her horribly long equation was when and where she'd break the news to Derek that he was a father. Acquitting the secret in the hospital seemed so impersonal. Who would desire to be told they're a daddy in a facility that exerts the stench of antibacterial soap and held captive multiples of sick and injured persons? She desperately racked her brain up, down, left, right, diagonally, sideways and so forth over the pending 'tell all.' Additional factors popped in and out of her cluttered mind, only to scramble with her decision even further. _Was today the right day?_ _Where_ _would be the correct place to relinquish the information? What would Annabelle do knowing she had a father? Would Derek be upset? Would he fight her tooth and claw in a custody battle?_

Her head was a bee hive swarming with potential notions and possibilities. Her brain swelled and thumped heavily which, this time, had nothing to do with her subsiding hangover from earlier that day. Why was this all such a challenge for her? Perhaps the guilt feeding at her like a famished bear is what made her more than apprehensive.

Meredith caught her reflection in the glass window parallel to her body. She'd been standing solo near the ambulance bay, donning a yellow trauma gown in hopes of a surgical case to soar in. After dwindling in the damp wind for twenty minutes or so, she'd began to pace back and forth repetitively. Her normally tamed and wavy honey-blonde tresses were a wreck, to put lightly. Her hair was the representation of a warped birds nest to put it kindly. Meredith is hopeful the billowing dusks of wind beating her locks had been a major participant in destroying her already rumpled hairdo. Albeit, Mother Nature can't be to blame on the heavy circles engraved against her under eyes. Sure, she'd been lacking on the sleep thing as she was a surgical intern and a mother nonetheless. Unfortunately, she's reluctant to recall a time her under eye circles had been so rough. Her complexion is pasty and foul to the naked eye. She couldn't possibly spill the dark and twisty secret to Derek under such circumstances. She'd at least need to be showered and well rested before confronting him. At least she'd be wiping her conscious' slate clean with a bountiful slumber.

Just as her black converse began to trudge back toward the hospitals automatic entry way into the E.R. , a siren screeched against Meredith's eardrum from a seemingly close proximity. She whirled around, her poorly executed ponytail whipping her cheek. A swarm of vaguely familiar residents and interns piled outside, including her own resident, Dr. Bailey.

"Grey.", pipes Bailey in her usual demanding and sarcastic tone. "What the hell are you doing standing out here in the trauma bay? I thought I ordered you to be on SCUT?" Meredith pays careful attention to the way the black woman brisks her palms together. She assumes it's an attempt to create friction and hither forth a tad bit of warmth.

Meredith rocks against the balls of her heels whilst patiently waiting for the incoming patient. "I finished delivering all the labs you assigned me too." She confesses. She excludes the portion of her day she spent breaking down in the women's restroom pondering over how she'd tell the head of neurosurgery he'd managed to fill her womb back in Europe. "So I decided to wait for an incoming trauma, Dr. Bailey."

She mumbles something Meredith can't interpret and shoots her a death glare. "Grey, you know good and well when you finish one task, you come to ask me for another. All of you goddamn interns are a herd of wild fools, thinking you run this hospital with your gossip and shenanigans. I said it before and I'll say it again, you're grunts, nobodies, you and the rest of your surgery hungry friends are at the bottom of the surgical food chain! You don't make any decisions on your own until you've earned that privilege, you got that?"

"Yes, Dr. Bailey." Meredith had almost been expecting her mentor's excruciating bravado. "Is there something you want me to do?" Meredith finds herself physically and mentally drained and it hasn't even passed noon. She's reluctant to start a war with her seemingly peeved resident anyhow.

Before Bailey can utter something cynically bruising to the mentality of her awaiting intern, the ambulance rushes in with an ear wrenching siren. "Quit your rambling, Grey." She mutters. "Get over here." A weight descends from Meredith's chest as Bailey dismisses the snowballing argument. She's completely positive her nerves couldn't handle another issue to top off the cherry on her spoiled ice cream sundae.

A herd of paramedics bolt from the back exit of the ambulance, shouting in what Meredith assumes to be a young girls diagnosis. "Female, six or seven years of age, seeming to have been beaten with a golf club!" One shouts. The woman's words are coherent and comprehendible to the human brain. However, the convulsions are muffled and slurred to Meredith's as her feet feel frozen to the cement. Her throat feels congested with a clot of concrete. Most often, abusive cases never seemed to harm Meredith in the slightest. She lived in the twenty-first century, and understood that human beings could be cruel and malicious creatures. She understood that very clear. Albeit, a child abuse case was hitting too close to home for her and no matter how determined her brain was to pry her scuffed shoes from the ground step by step, her heart deciphered otherwise.

"Dr. Grey!" Bailey's harsh bravado snapped Meredith away from her delusional state. Her eyelids fluttered several times though it didn't replenish her state of wellbeing. She felt sluggish almost as if the world around her was maneuvering in slow motion. She twisted her neck to the far right, catching a glimpse of Derek rush to the occasion. He wasn't decked out in the repetitive yellow trauma gown everyone else seemed to be donning. He simply wore his pristine white lab coat over his navy scrubs. Of course, his raven mane was coifed to perfection. The grueling wind whooshing his dark curls in several directions. A light patter of rain stormed from the heavy grey clouds eclipsing the earlier baby blue sky. Droplets began to sputter around the team of doctors huddled around the frail little girl. Meredith wasn't even willing to shield herself from the Seattle weather, finally scurrying off to the scene at hand.

Meredith watches, with intricate detail, as Derek vaguely examines the young adolescent. His right hand grips a white pen light, checking her dilation and responsiveness. He mumbles something to the petite girl lying helplessly on the black gurney. His hand brushes past her dark hair, stained with dried blood and sweat. "Everything is going to be just fine." Derek assures in an authoritative, yet, calming tone. "I'm Dr. Shepherd." He informs as the team of well trained physicians push through the E.R. doors.

"Dr. Grey, order an MRI please." Derek's request is a light buzz to Meredith's ringing eardrums. She merely nods lightly. Her body is on autopilot and manages to shuffle her feet to a nearby lab.

* * *

"She's ready, Dr. Shepherd." Meredith announces once the little girl has been tucked under a warm blanket. The machine hums with life once Derek's finger pushes the button. She descends back into the cylinder shaped object. The only true information gathered from the scene was that the girl had been beaten with a golf club. Her neighbor reported the incident to the police as she heard screaming and death worthy shrieks echoing from the nearby household. The girl's parents had escaped the scene but there was no shadow of a doubt in Meredith's mind that they were the ones who'd defiled their child.

Her stomach roils pondering over the simple notion of someone even laying a finger to Annabelle-Elise's soft flesh. She's surprised she hasn't mentally broken down on this case even if it were to be highly unprofessional of her as a doctor and an adult. How could someone be so foul to someone so innocent? The mental images creeping along her brain were graphic. The deafening sound of the metal pole striking across the soft skin sent chills down her vertebrae.

Meredith glances upward and catches Derek's indigo eyes through the transparent glass. He flashes her a small assuring grin. Somehow it makes her feel better in the midst of the tragic events surrounding her. She returns the gesture with a halfhearted smile. Her head is in a funny place to say the least. Only an hour or two ago she'd been fumbling with how she'd tell Derek and avoiding him at all costs. Now she stood only ten feet from him, communicating with secret smiles completely alone…well, with the exception of the sedated patient, of course.

The MRI beeps as an indication the scans have been printed. Meredith nods and pulls the youthful child forward. A nurse comes forth and lifts the now sleeping girl into a wheelchair to be taken back to her room. Meredith enters the examination room with Derek and glances at the computer screen holding the scans.

"What's the verdict?" She asks, although considering the size of the discolored spot on the screen, she can almost diagnose the problem herself.

Derek heaves a wet sigh and takes Meredith back for a moment. She doesn't miss the moisture gathered around the creases of his cerulean irises or the wet sound his throats makes when he clears his esophagus. Was he emotional over this case? She'd never seen Derek become unprofessional over a patient even if it were hitting close to home, such as the rape victim that had been checked in a month earlier. He exclaimed that the woman reminded him of his four sisters and that if he'd been in a coma, they'd all be here surrounding him.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith murmurs. It's against code and, most definitely, against her avoidance rule she advocated for herself earlier that day, but she still stretches an arm around his back. Her fingers squeeze his clavicle tight in a reassuring manner.

"Sorry." He says, tugging himself away momentarily. "Sorry it's just... this poor little girl was almost brutally murdered to death by what we assume is her parents. I have nine nieces and five nephews. The thought of any of them being harmed like that is just..."

"Hitting a little too close to home?" Meredith chimes. He nods lightly. If only he knew he had a three, almost four year old daughter to equate in that scenario. Either or, Meredith can relate with him on some kind of spiritual level. She too had felt as if the wind were knocked out from beneath her whilst working with this case. "I get it, I mean with Annabelle and all." She adds.

Derek instinctively grins as Meredith mentions her daughter's name. The action is a furnace for her heart and the blood pumping through her veins. "The neighbor who called the authorities came by to visit. I think she mentioned the little girl's name being Lillian or something, and that she babysat her often. She thinks she's to blame because she always felt that the girl's parents were off but just never... never looked into it." Derek's hands trail down his face. A thick stubble already begins to grow against his cheeks even though it's only been a few hours since he last shaved.

"And now she has a huge subdural hematoma in her brain and if I don't operate in the next hour she could die. She could just fucking die." Meredith watches his palms slam across the desk. The echoing beam of his physical burden on the inanimate object rivets throughout the tiny exam room. She listens as he mumbles slurs of curses beneath his breath. His knuckles dilute to a pasty white as his fists clench. The action reminds her of the similar way she'd done her own hands earlier in the bathroom.

She strokes his spine up and down slowly, letting him cool himself down. "Would you like to scrub in?" The question throws her for a loop to say the least. Her plans to hide from him were definitely a bust. How was she to deny the chance of a surgery like this? One of the biggest brain bleeds her naked eye had ever come across?

"I shouldn't." Meredith goes against her hearts yearn. "I mean I'm just an intern and this is a complicated procedure I can't-"

"You will." He argues or, more so, tells her the fate of her upcoming future. "You will scrub in. Meredith, you've shown a lot of potential since arriving at Seattle Grace. I'm not just saying this because I'm into you or that I enjoy your presence. You're an outstanding intern and deserve to be taught something as extraordinary as you are. Now scrub in. I don't want any if's or but's about it. If this is about last night at the bar and you feel awkward, I get it, but I'd love if we could shove the personal affairs aside for only a moment and do this professionally. Okay?"

She nodded slowly. "Okay."

* * *

Meredith's head was rushing with adrenaline. She'd scrubbed in on a major procedure and it went extremely well! Her heart felt as if it were pumping on steroids considering the tempo of its beats were out of this world. An exuberant preen stretched from ear to ear against Meredith's plum cheeks. Surgery was an elixir for her that made even the worst of her days so much brighter. The O.R. turned her blood to fire, to say the least.

Derek was, more than less, a God in the operating room. She'd scrubbed in with him on simple procedures before. Unfortunately, those times she'd been asked to stand at a respectable distance to observe rather than participate. This time, however, this time she'd been up close to the action. His hands were steady as well as accurate. He was cool under pressure even when Lillian began to crash on the table. He'd stabilized her and finished up without a hitch. She'd even been able to grip the clamp in her own hands.

He waltzed into the scrub room just as he diminished his mask into the medical waste bin. He smiles at her and her insides flutter with happiness. "That, that was amazing." Meredith speaks as he begins to scrub away the remaining bits and pieces of his procedure.

Derek twists his neck in her general direction. He nods at her statement and lets his hazy grin linger across his expression. "You did great, Meredith." She's quick to notice he uses her first name rather than her professional one. Even when things hadn't been tense between them, he'd always referred to her as 'Dr. Grey' in the hospital. A fresh layer of goose coats her skin as her name rolls off his tongue like rich butter.

His compliment seeps into her skin and floods her mind. "You were great." She reciprocates truthfully. "I mean, you were some kind of God in there. I hope one day I can be that successful during a surgery." She's cognizant of the way she resembles an obsessed fan girl. Praising him like teenage girl to her all time favorite boy band. Mentally she's chortling at the thought of her bedroom plastered in posters of Derek. A personal shrine dedicated from his 'biggest fan.' Meredith giggles to herself and leans against the sink.

"I'm not God." He comments. His body stands parallels to her own. "What's going on in that pretty head of yours?" He gazes at her in a way that makes Meredith feel wanted. It's a major dejavu moment considering he's trapped her with the exact expression before only to cause her to fall victim like putty in his hands. She's completely sure his twinkling orbs of mystery and lust will be the death of her.

"My head is in a funny place right now, I guess." She quips lightly.

Derek's forefinger and thumb trace her jaw. They pinch her chin softly and tilt her head upward. "Hmm." She doesn't know what to make of his soft noise. In the actuality of this complicated moment, he leans his soft lips against hers. Their mouths move in a sensual dance together. His tongue reluctantly pushes into her cavern and toys with her own feisty tongue. They push and slide against one another, lost in the enticing trance of their mouths love making.

The moment his fingers find the hem of her scrubs waistband, she jolts. Her senses are sprinting on overdrive and she knows that if she lets this continue, she'll wind back up in the same place she began. "Stop." She breathes against his swollen lips, even if her core chooses the latter. "We can't... I can't..." Meredith divulges breathless. The kiss hadn't been nearly as passionate as the few others they'd shared. Albeit, it had meant all the same and somehow she couldn't withhold the steamy tears from clogging her tear ducts as she came to the realization this would be their last intimate moment.

"Meredith." His palm gropes her cheek. His thumb brushes over the cinnamon freckles splotched against her flesh. "Please, if this is about the bar and the woman I was with. I promise she's just a friend I wouldn't, I wouldn't, do that to you." Desperation is heavy against his voice box.

"It's not about the woman, Derek."

"Then what is it?" He pleaded. "What is it Meredith? It's so obvious we have this connection, this thing between us! I know it's there…I know it is… I just... why can't you see it?"

Meredith sniffles. Her vision is skewed as glossy tears eclipse over her emerald eyes. The guilt feeding at her has reached its maximum breaching point. She _can't_ keep herself glued together anymore. She _can't_ continue to stare him straight in the eye and lie about the life they'd created together. She _can't_ start a relationship with a man who deserves to know the truth. She just _can't_ lie anymore.

Her hand presses to his chest. Slivers of raven chest hair peep from the V of his scrubs collar. The tips of her finger pads stroke the soft hair peeking out. "Because you're going to resent me for a lifetime." She croaks. It feels inappropriate to release the demons swirling around her in a scrub room. She's probably a sight for sore eyes to say the least. She's lethargic and all around exhausted both mentally and physically.

"What, what do you mean?" Sobs rack Meredith's lithe frame. Her small arms quake and her body shivers. Derek's arms wrap her like a Christmas present. His tangy fragrance brushes her nostrils. _Old spice, antibacterial soap and sterile medical supplies._ A combination of all the things she'd wanted to avoid while breaking the news. Perfection was a myth at this point. "Shh..." he soothed across her golden locks. "Breathe."

She glances up at him. Probably flush faced and swollen eyed. It doesn't matter. Her slender fingers stroke the forest of stubble growing across his Adam's apple. "Four years ago in Europe we screwed like bunnies, remember?" He nods slowly although Meredith's completely convinced he's still oblivious to her accusations. "I've been keeping something from you. Something I should have told you the minute I saw you in this hospital. I'm an awful, cynical person for lying and stuffing things away but I just... I just didn't know how to say what I needed to say."

"Meredith, what's going on? Tell me, I can handle it." He confesses with a serious look. By the way he's glancing at her she can spot the worry in his eyes. He's squeezing her tautly and the reaffirmation helps with it all.

"Annabelle-Elise is your little girl. Congratulations Derek, you're a daddy to a beautiful baby."

* * *

 **AHAHAHA FINALLY! I finally got Meredith to spill her guts! Writing this chapter was actually so much easier than I thought it would be. I honestly rolled right through it without a single complication which was so nice for a change.**

 **I want to give my outstanding beta a shoutout once more for editing and helping me with this chapter! She's done a marvelous job at critiquing and the constructive criticism was just what I needed! So if you're curious as to why this is one of my better chapters, please thank vballr217!**

 **I don't have much to say in this authors note other than the fact that next chapter will be told from a different point of view and that I hope this was worth the wait! Your reviews and favorites are truly the inspiration for chapters and I'd love if you'd provide me with some! What can I say I'm a whore for feedback!**

 **Thank you all again for reading, you're amazing!**


	10. Authors note! Incredibly important!

Well hi there everyone! Yes, I'm sure this update will most likely set a few people off as it's an authors note and not the long awaited updates I've shoved off for months. I truly don't know where to begin or what to say. I always say things have been hectic which fact they have, but it's no excuse to be gone this long!

My last update was back in June and even longer for other stories I've published. It's not that I don't enjoy MerDer anymore or feel inspiration, it's more so that I've had to somewhat pick and choose what I'm focusing on. I've moved this year and it's been incredibly hectic. I started junior year which may not be huge to some but definitely important for me. I've been somewhat working on another story but I'm definitely on the fence about posting it.

I think a main reason I haven't taken my time to work on new chapters is because of the amount of people I get reading them and reviewing. It sounds selfish which I know and understand. However, it takes so much time to write 3,000 to 5,000 words and only two people comment to review. Reviews are kind of like encouragement. They give us as writers that little boost to continue forward. I know, I hate myself for saying something like this.

Albeit, all these things said, I've come to a conclusion I truly miss writing. In the Grey's Anatomy world currently Derek has been brought up numerous times which almost in my theory indicates he's still a relevant member of this show. I love Derek/Patrick very much and I don't want their legacy to die. MerDer were such an iconic couple and I want that to keep going. I think I may start something new and see how it goes. I've grown and learned so much from when I posted my first story here in January. I know how to develop plots and provide that slow burn that gets everyone hyped for more to come. I want to give back to the MerDer community for all of us who haven't left and are still here.

I'm incredibly aware this authors note is all over the place. Basically this is something I'm asking for all of you to answer to. Would you want new updates? Even if no one replies I'm willing to start a new project and see how it goes from there. I wanted to thank you again for being supportive if you're still here. Your graciousness means everything. Again, I'm so completely sorry for my six month pause but I'm hopeful to start again. I love MerDer and want to continue on publishing stories in honor of them (:


	11. Raindrops Keep Falling 10

**Alright, obviously it's been an incredibly long time since I posted a chapter of this story. I admit, even I feel it's been inexcusable for abandoning this so long, but I guess my inspiration sort of dried up. I have this story planned out piece by piece but it's just finding the motivation to write it out that's somewhat difficult.**

 **I admit, this chapter is shorter than the others. It's not because I couldn't think of anything else but I figured trying to cram something else in it wouldn't be right. This is told in Derek's perspective, his feelings, thoughts, and questions. For the majority this story is going to be Meredith. But I deemed it appropriate to have him narrate this round. If reviews are good I'll update again and soon because I have an idea or two.**

 **Okay, enough babbling, enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

 _Chapter 10 | Raindrops Keep Falling_

His mind was a blank canvas. He was taut. The tumbler of scotch nestled in the comfort of his fingers had been nursed for a half hour now. He'd yet to take a sip. Most normally when something tragic occurs in Derek's life, he's more than willing to drown out every deleterious emotion drifting through his body with the toxin that is alcohol. Normally he would've downed the bottle by now. He'd be so wasted that the stars in the sky danced and his vision made everything a blurry picturesque. Normally.

Yet this was no average circumstance.

Derek has a daughter.

Twenty-four hours before he would have snorted at the comment. A child? Of his own? It wasn't so obscure in a way that meant he was in no shape or form a family man. In fact; Derek was _quite_ the opposite. The entirety of his life had been surrounded by none other than family. His sisters equated to the amount of a small village. His cousins, nieces, nephews, uncles, aunts; they could form a country perhaps. He's always been about _family_. Derek's a family man. He'd even pondered the notion of starting his own at some point. With Addison. The woman his best friend screwed like a rabbit. The incident that guided him to Europe in which he slept with this random woman.

And somehow that winds him promptly back to the situation at hand. Derek would have chortled like a hyena at the allegation because he doesn't have a significant other. It's been too long since he's been intimate with a woman like that for a child to pop up. The articulation was ludicrous a day before. In this moment he's stuck in a state of shock.

He's living in limbo, uncertain of his next move as though his life is some sort of ongoing game of chess.

The glass clinks against the small coffee table adjacent from his stance on the couch. The amber liquid sloshes inside the translucent tumbler. His body slumps backward into the stiff cushions of his sofa. He has a daughter and the mother neglected to tell him about it. There were a variety of colorful emotions swarming through his body in that moment. His feelings were unclear and murky. How does he _feel_ about a situation such as this? What does he **do**?

The familiar sound of rain tapping on the windows of his airstream thrummed throughout his trailer. He relished Seattle's Mother Nature. Most everyone complained about the rainy city, but he found it ironically calming. The teardrops falling from the sky gave him perspective. It cleared his mind. He was grateful for the weather in this moment. Derek was hopeful it could help him ponder over his current dilemma. Give him a clue or two as to what his next move is going to be.

He simply can't abandon the girl. Walking into work every morning, idly gazing as Meredith Grey strolls in with the bouncing toddler next to her hip would be nothing short of a slap to the cheek. It would rake him raw with guilt. Derek simply couldn't ignore the tiny human in the daily and pretend as though he didn't _**know**_ about her or what she represented. That little girl is his own flesh and blood. He'd been partially responsible for creating her and forming her life. Because of him, that child walked the face of the earth.

 _Derek Shepherd is a father_.

The worn couch creaks from overuse and age as his back relaxes into the plush. His head tips backward and suddenly it feels far too heavy for his neck to carry. The tip of his tongue runs a meticulous line across his thin bottom lip. He inserts a strenuous breath through his nostrils and exhales out his cavern. Rain thrums harder on the glass and the faint rumble of thunder booms outside. Answers are no where in sight for him. Normally he's good at this. _Excellent_ , actually. Derek's always been a problem solver. A tinker. A doer. It's why he became a surgeon. He was destined to fix what others had destroyed. It was his calling oddly enough. It was a tad ironic. He was so good at fixing others mistakes but simply couldn't turn his own situations around. He was at a loss. Adrift at see with no true direction of the next step. There are no magical solutions to this problem. He can't freaking think straight. He's a chicken with its head chopped off. Derek's stumped.

He had been like this ever since Meredith delivered him the news earlier that day. Derek was at a loss for words then and is at a loss now. No progress has been made in the few hours since he's known. Except, _except_ for the actuality of it all that now, his heart constricts while thinking of the blatant fact he's missed three years of **his daughters life**. That's a huge chunk of time when put into perspective. He missed out on her birth, first steps, first words, first giggle, first _everything_.

The only feeling he's completely aware of is that he feels this overwhelming amount of anger toward Meredith Grey. She made not a single effort to try and contact him when concluding she was pregnant with his child. She'd been in town for months and yet she still neglected to let the truth unravel. He'd helped her with her Jeep numerous times, made out with her on a couch, spooned her to sleep, flirted in the hallways, kissed in an elevator. He even watched **their** child while she napped upstairs. For a significant amount of time he'd been around she and their daughter and yet, she didn't feel that it was important to let him know the little girl with curly blonde hair was his own.

And that was a dagger to the heart.

Maybe it's his own fault for not picking up on the clues earlier. How could he have not seen _him_ in _her_?

She's almost a carbon copy, despite the blonde tendrils and slew of freckles. The girl inherited his complexion, his curly tresses, and those eyes. Annabelle's irises are definitely his. Yet, somehow, he'd been oblivious. He blames the lack of connection on the obvious issue he'd had no need to search the toddlers features. Never in a million years would Derek have expected a woman to secretly carry his child. It wasn't exactly the first thing that comes to mind when he awakes in the morning.

Ironically, this is **all** he should be thinking of in this moment. Conjuring ways to confront Meredith or weasel his way into Annabelle's life without too much change. Unfortunately, his mind is still a blank oasis. He's still completely stuck. Secretly, he can feel himself falling victim to the quick sand he's trapped in.

 _"Annabelle-Elise is your little girl. Congratulations Derek, you're a daddy to a beautiful baby."_

 _Suddenly Derek was frozen. It didn't quite add up and for a moment or two he was unsure of whether the statement was a cruel joke or not. Some kind of sick humor just to keep him on his toes. Derek's eyes searched around the scrub room curiously; waiting for the crowd of people to pop out. The banner rolling out. Each and every one of them screaming, "Gotcha!"_

 _But it never came. Meredith's expression never relaxed from its stiff stupor. Did he even hear her correctly? Were his ears stuffed full with cotton? Maybe it's a miscommunication._

 _Maybe._

 _"Excuse me?" He manages to croak. Derek's optimistic in believing her judgement is clouded by the exquisite kiss they shared and the emotional burst of hormones she expelled from moments ago. Perhaps she was simply using him as a test dummy. Someone she could practice on before the real thing._

 _As time crept forward, the logic behind his theory lessened. Even his own subconscious found the idea ludicrous._

 _ **Of course she isn't 'practicing' on you, moron! YOU are the father.**_

 _His gut started to flip like a seal on a slip n' slide. There would be no camera crew popping out from the drain of the scrub sink snickering "You've been punk'd!" She wouldn't miraculously start giggling and stare she's simply joking with him._

 _This was his reality. Stone cold._

 _"Derek," her lip quivers. "I-I didn't mean to hurt you. I never meant to keep her away from you or make it so that you couldn't communicate with the daughter! It wasn't like that." He watches with a cold stare as tears trickle down her cheeks. Her fingers fidget with the watch by her wrist. Her eyes please with him._

 _"Oh, then what did you mean?!" Derek snarled without hesitation. It was never his fashion to get incredibly angry this way. Granted, he was known for a temper when situations were brought to his table that he didn't know how to fix. But those... those were always slow burns. His outbursts normally arise after he's been stewing for a while. It wasn't like him in the slightest to blatantly yell. Maybe this specific situation is the exception. He'd been given shocking news only moments ago. How else does a human react?_

 _Of course, Meredith seems even more horrified than she had after spilling the secret firsthand. His bravado was a tad outrageous. He's hopeful none of the scrub nurses cleaning up in the operating room could hear the commotion._

 _Meredith uses the back of her hand to brush wetness from her eyes. "You don't get it. This, this was so hard for me! I had no way of contacting you to let you know I was pregnant. I didn't even know you to begin with."_

 _His anger only boiled. "You couldn't have looked me up? I'm pretty sure there aren't that many Derek Shepherd's in this world you know."_

 _"Oh really? Well I'm so freaking sorry I didn't spend countless days calling every Derek Shepherd in the phone book! Typically when I sleep with random guys I don't have to hear from them ever again. When I came to Seattle, I hadn't expected to see you. Honestly, I wasn't even sure of telling you about Annabelle."_

 _"OH! You don't get to make that decision! You should have done every damn thing in your power to let me know. That child is fifty percent mine! I helped create her I..." Derek's spiel trails off._

 _He's so freaking mad at her. He's permeated all of these heightened emotions, yet, he doesn't even know where to go next. Really, he has no say. Annabelle-Elise doesn't recognize him as her father. She probably doesn't even know what a daddy is. Meredith has been the only parental figure in her life. His word means nothing in this argument, no matter how right or wrong he is._

 _"Screw you." He murmurs, prying the scrubcap brimmed with ferryboats from his head of unruly curls. "Screw you to hell, Meredith." Hot tears threaten to fall but he doesn't let them. She won this round. Meredith was the grand winner of the battle they just brawled in._

 _He pads to the door and curls his fingers around the knob. He's at a complete loss. He doesn't know what to say._

 _Instead he exits with his head held low. Although, she might have won the battle, but he intends to win the war._

Derek was a coward then. He had notions in mind about about how Meredith held the golden spear. She knew Annabelle better than anyone. He'd only been with the little girl a few times before but it was unlikely she saw him as a fatherly figure.

Also, his thoughts had been unclear. Derek hadn't wanted their argument to go any father than it did considering the hospital gossip spread like wildfire. Even though it was quite blatant he wanted to be apart of Annabelle's life in some shape or fashion, he didn't know how to. Waltzing into the young girls life at this stage wouldn't be rewarding for her. She'd most likely be confused and think he purposely never showed up until now.

Rage burns like a furnace within. Anna most definitely believes her father didn't want her. She may be young, but after being a surgeon for so long and operating on so many adolescent children, he's concluded kids can sense when someone or something isn't there.

He doesn't want Annabelle-Elise to see him in that light. In such a way that makes her brain think he didn't want her to begin with. He resents that notion. If would have known, Derek would've immediately shown up by Meredith's side. It's his _baby_ for crying out loud. His own flesh and blood. When he slept with Meredith had he come off as some sleazy guy?

Typically when I sleep with random guys I don't have to hear from them ever again!

She'd made it clear he hasn't been her first victim in that department. Why did it hurt that she said those things to him? Yes, they did sleep together, but they talked too. They both communicated as though each had known the other for a lifetime.

Albeit, she still categorized him as not important enough to track down. If he couldn't conclude anything from this incredibly wild day, he most certainly can confirm this; he won't sit back and let her get away with it. Somehow or another he's destined to be a part of his daughters life. Whether this includes Meredith in it or not.

His fingertips grip the lukewarm glass from the coffee table. His head tips backward and his poison of choice glides down his throat rapidly. The tumbler clinks against the coffee table, the throttle so intense it's surprising the glassware didn't shatter.

Rain continues it's pour outside his tiny airstream trailer.

He gains perspective.

* * *

 **So there you have it, Derek has a plan. The moral of this chapter was to discuss Derek's feelings. I'm sorry it couldn't deliver all the MerDer goodness but you have to be patient.**

 **I think a reason I didn't want to update this story is because I approached it wrong. This trope has been done before and I didn't target it in a way that was suspenseful or good. Granted I wasn't too experienced then. But I am now and it's also the reason I don't want to update LTASB either. I want people to see my work as breath taking and exhilarating. I don't want to just scribble down merder fluff. Good stories need drama.**

 **So, I'm going to attempt to do that here on out. Bare with me. This won't be an easy road for MerDer but I'm hoping you'll all work with me!**

 **Send me a review and let me know your thoughts. I'll be posting OTU tomorrow hopefully! Thank you all so much!**


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